Life in the Key of C

Courageous: A Reflection on 2011

2011-12-31T16:44:00.013-05:00

2011 has been a hell of a year. For the last two months I’ve looked forward to nothing more than 2012. I have felt hopeless, lost, scared, and alone. But I have felt wrapped up in love, strong, and grateful, too. When reflecting on this year, I’m not sure if it’s been a “good” or “bad” year. It’s just been another year of my beautifully remarkable life.

I don’t always make resolutions for the following year. Sometimes I do and sometimes I set intentions and sometimes I do nothing at all. I’m still not sure what I will do this year. Maybe I will by the time I stop writing this. In reflecting on my year, I think that the word that keeps popping up for me is “courage”. I don’t typically view myself as a courageous woman, but I feel immensely proud of what I have pushed through my fear to achieve this year.

This year, I have had the courage to admit the fact that I’ve struggled with depression. Depression was always something that happened to other people, something that I work to help others overcome but never experience myself. Boy, was I wrong! It’s been about three years since I stopped eating compulsively, but only this year did I start letting myself feel things. This is tougher than I ever can explain. It’s still hard sometimes to not reach for cookies when things feel hard. For the first four months of the year, I completely isolated. I shut everyone out, including Kalem and my mama and Craig, the three people who can always reach me in some way. It hurt to function because it felt like I was feeling everything 1000x more intensely than I ever did before. It was really difficult to admit that I am depressed and that depression runs in my family. I can remember one day not understanding why I couldn’t get out of bed and knew then that I had to seek help before things got any worse. I have a great therapist and am fully committed to taking care of my mental health at all costs. I took the courageous step of no longer being angry at myself for not being continuously, unfalteringly grateful at all times so that I could make sure I was doing what is necessary to blossom.

In the same vein, I took the step to seek medical help for my various health symptoms. Hilariously, I think I would have paid more attention to the fact that I cannot lose weight even though I eat well and exercise if I hadn’t been so stuck in my “I-have-to-love-myself-no-matter-my-size” journey of the last three years! I have been tired for a really, really long time. I realized I had to reach out when I couldn’t do the same amount of exercise I used to do, even though nothing else about my body has changed. I’m at the beginning of learning exactly what is going on with my autoimmunity issues and am scared to know what may be, but I know that I can handle whatever it is. I will need a lot of courage in the next few months while I wait and hope.

I feel courageous in that I left a job that was eating my soul in April, even though it paid more and was more convenient than where I am now. I’m very financially responsible, so it was a huge step for me to say that my sense of self mattered more. I will always keep in mind that though I’m a social worker and live to help others, I have to be willing to help myself, too.

In writing this, I’m realizing just how much good came from my no longer eating emotionally. What a relief! This year, I reached out and cultivated intimate, genuine, lifelong friendships. I have a few friends from childhood who will always be a part of my life but that’s only because they have seen me through the self-deception, the inability to give of myself fully because of my fear and self-doubt. My sweet Craig will always be my best friend, but I am keenly aware of the fact that I am a much better friend to him now than I was in the years past. This year I am thrilled to have the most incredible friends. I often feel I am undeserving of such rich relationships, but maybe I am. Maybe I just finally let myself have them. It takes my breath away at times to realize that I am surrounded by constant support, laughter, and loving energy. I think that for this same reason I have a close, real friendship with Dionne. I had to let go of all of my jealousy and pettiness before I was able to let her in or even be there for her. Having a relationship with her may be the best thing I’ve done all year. The relationships in my life sustain me more than I could ever say. I also am so blessed to have such a kind, giving, loving partner in Kalem. I rarely deserve the love he gives me. He doesn't always deserve mine, either, but both of us knowing this helps us stay grounded in our marriage.

I have had the courage to be honest with myself about what I need as a woman, as a wife, and as a professional. I’ve not always been able to speak my mind so freely. It feels much freer to not hold things in. On the last day of the year, I’m not completely sure what I want to do in terms of my work or in having a family. But I’m closer to knowing, at least. Kalem has been a remarkably patient and loving partner. I would not have survived this year with my spirit intact without him.

Surprisingly, I’ve also found the courage to find a real sense of peace with my father. It was really hard to come face-to-face with him but it helped me work out some long-seated feelings that I thought I was through with but obviously still needed to confront. I have no idea what the future holds, but I can be confident in the fact that I am my own person.

As for what I hope to see in 2012, I believe I will set intentions this year. I intend to:

· practice yoga and walk more days than I do not

· eat mindfully and kindly by being a vegan and continuing to not eat compulsively

· travel as much as possible

· give thanks on a daily basis

· create more

· gain more financial stability

· take care of all aspects of my health

· be honest with myself and others

· cherish my loved ones and always let them know how much I do

· continue to help others

In looking back on this year, I don’t know if I can really say it was such a terrible year. I am sure that people who are no longer with us would happily trade places with me. It’s just a year of great growing pains. I think I’ve weathered them successfully. If I had been asked what the year would bring, I certainly would not have guessed that I would have cried more, laughed with more joy, given with fewer expectations, and loved with more ferocity than I ever have in any other year. I cannot wait to see what 2012 will bring. I am committed to having an open heart, a clear mind, a discerning spirit, and a healthy sense of humor for whatever it may bring.

Food and Body Lessons

2011-10-28T09:49:00.001-04:00

Whew. Oh boy! The last few weeks have been incredibly tough for me. I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel (called April), but I am really struggling.

I have not been feeling my best lately. I started having some pain in my chest a few weeks ago. It was just a chest cold so I decided to let it run its course. I’m still completely wiped out from it. I had had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for a general checkup and was planning to discuss my thyroid. I’m positive that a lot of my health issues are caused by my thyroid—the inability to lose weight, the frozen fingers/toes, fatigue, dry skin, thin hair, low body temp (I never go about 97.5), hoarse voice, etc…all fun things! :) The worst thing has been the depression, though. I’ve struggled with depression in the past (I’m just learning that’s nothing to be ashamed of), but this is definitely different. For the last year, I just cannot shake the funk and it feels purely physical, like my body has been attacking my spirit. It does not feel good. Also, my naturopath and lady doctor had asked that this be checked out because it was clear was thyroid is big and I exhibit almost all of the symptoms.

Anyway, last week I went to the doctor armed with research on low thyroid functioning, a food and exercise diary, and an open mind. The appointment started off terribly. I was met by the medical assistant who showed surprise that my blood pressure and pulse are, in her words, “perfect”. This was disturbing but not that surprising—sadly, there’s a misconception that all fat people (yes, I’m fat. I can say it) are unhealthy. This is SO not true—before I started having these symptoms, I was in perfect health. My levels on everything else still are fantastic. So, mild annoyance but whatever. I was then left to wait for 50 minutes before the doctor actually came in. She barely looked at me and proceeded to make me feel terrible. This was my first time seeing her (my regular PCP was out (though she’s not much better…more on that later) and she’s a partner in the practice), so she asked a lot of questions about my family health history. I told her I wanted to talk about my thyroid. I showed her my food and exercise logs, showing that I rarely eat over 1400 calories (lack of appetite’s been a big thing) and that I’m a regular exerciser. She told me I might not be feeling well because I’m depressed as there is a family history of it. I told her I knew that, but this was different and I can tell the difference. My body hurts and that never comes along with it. She then told me I could be working out more. I told her I could see that, but that didn’t explain the fact that my fingers were purple in her office on a 70 degree day. I told her I gained weight after going vegan when I’m eating many more whole foods than ever before. She stated I should watch what I eat. Excuse me?! What person do you know eats and exercises the way I do and looks like this?! She stated she wasn’t going to test my thyroid because they had the year before and it was fine and everything else (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc) was, yet again, “perfect”. I told her that I feel worse this year and I know it’s bigger because it’s affecting my swallowing. So she FINALLY agreed to have it done. She said I should have a thyroid ultrasound, too, to check for nodules. I was fighting tears by now and couldn’t even look at her. She left and my blood was drawn and I was told I could go. I got to the front office and was told that the doctor decided to not get an ultrasound yet after all. I barely made it to my car and sobbed for about ten minutes. It is incredibly hard for me to even admit I don’t feel well (I blame that on my mother :)), so for me to go to a doctor for this was huge. And then I was treated like a lazy so-and-so who didn’t know what my body was telling me.

The worst part of this whole ordeal was my reaction to it. I binged. For the first time in three years. My binges wouldn’t meet a clinical criterion for anything, but for me, it was wretched. I ate EVERYTHING. And cried and moped. I was so angry at myself—I’ve done incredibly hard work to stop eating my feelings and I let some quack take that away from me. At one point I realized what was happening and decided to consciously overeat if that’s what I needed. I took the next day off of work because I felt incredibly sick both emotionally and physically. Fortunately, one of my closest friends got me off of the couch and out of the house for the night. I’m glad I wasn’t left alone because it was the last thing I needed. What this “binge” taught me was that I still have work to do on learning to deal with stress. What I also learned was that I am able to stop it at any time I want to. Intuitive eating for me is taking control of my eating with compassion. I can give myself permission to let go when I need to, but there are healthier ways to hurt. I have loving friends and family who I can always reach out to.

I’m back on track with my eating now. I haven’t been practicing the best self-care lately, but I’m trying. I have a list of a few things that must be done for me to feel whole and keeping up with that really helps. I feel that for now I just have to do these things and I’ll pick up soon. If not, the sun will come out again in April and that always helps.

I got a call from the nurse at the family practice telling me that I have to have a thyroid ultrasound. Apparently my levels are normal but it’s still enlarged so some further investigation needs to happen. I asked if the full thyroid panel was done and was told no. I asked for it and was told no. I’m getting the ultrasound on Monday and will go from there. I’m making a move to a new, well-recommended PCP but can’t be seen until the end of next month so I’ll still “work” with this awful practice until I can switch over.

I’m not glad to know that something is wrong with me! As funny as that sounds, it’s good to know that something is going on (so I know I’m not crazy), but I just want to feel well. With the cold, dark days of winter coming, I want answers as quickly as possible. I’m hoping some easy solution will be available. I expect to have to take medication, but the hippie in me is balking against this and asking for alternative solutions. I’ve got some reading to do in the next few weeks while I wait to hear from doctors, etc. If I can find a way to feel better without medication, I’m all for it.

Anyhoo, the whole foods experiment is back on track on Sunday! The last few weeks were filled with the question “does it take longer than five minutes to make?”, so I haven’t been cooking many masterpieces. I did have some awesome experiments that I could have written about, though—a chickpea/carrot/cabbage soup was a hit and we made homemade ravioli! Writing helps, so I’ll be doing a lot more of it soon.

I revel in this body of mine. For years it has supported me and dealt with the abuse I gave it. Now it’s time to take care of it. I am not angry or frustrated or sad that this has happened, but using it as a time to learn more about what I really need to feel healthy and whole.

My "Food Rules" Experiment: Day 1

2011-10-17T23:19:00.000-04:00

At a dinner party that Kalem and I had a few weeks ago, the topic of Michael Pollan's writing came up. The book Food Rules was brought up and I remembered how perfectly simple the rules are: basically they break down to eat real food, mostly plants, and not too much. I took the book out from the library again just to refresh my memory and decided to try to give a week to eating in this really simple way. I eat mostly whole foods, but indulge in a lot of sweets, too. I have a doctor's appointment this week and wanted to see if I come off as "healthier" after eating in this way.

I highly recommend this book because, though it is almost to the point of condescendingly simple, it serves as a nice reminder of how to eat closely to the earth and fill a body with truly nourishing foods.

Automatically, I knew that I would have to break a few rules (hey, that's rule 64!). I'm allowing myself a few extras. For a fat, I will still eat Earth Balance soy-free spread: this breaks rule 10 ("avoid foods that are pretending to be something they are not"), but I'm a vegan and won't be eating butter just for the sake of a "pure" experiment. For a liquid, I will still drink unsweetened almond milk from Blue Diamond: this breaks rule 7 ("avoid food products containing ingredients that a third-grader cannot pronounce"). I'm 27 and can barely pronounce carrageenan. Also, I'm letting myself eat fake meat today because Mondays are nuts and we don't get home before 9 and who plans a meal when you're dragging yourself out of bed on a Monday morning?! Today's "meat" was "chick'n nuggets" from Boca which breaks rule 10 AND rule 7 AND rule 6 ("avoid food products that contain more than five ingredients"). Yuck. I'm getting a little sick thinking about those nuggets that I wolfed down after a long day away from home.

Fortunately, I automatically and consistently meet some rules on a daily basis, mostly those of eating only when hungry and stopping when full (thanks to years of therapy), cooking (my new passion), and eating humane meat and dairy (as I don't do either, there's no problem there).

Today's menu was as follows:

Breakfast: a bowl of Grape Nuts with almond milk and agave nectar. This wasn't really hard as I could eat this for the rest of my life and not complain. Fortunately, I stopped eating cereal that changed the color of my milk years ago (#36).

Lunch: Salad!

I'm sure you all know what a salad looks like, but I wanted to have a picture in each entry during my experiment. I don't know how to rotate this, but trust me, it was yummy!

My salad consisted of spinach greens, yellow bell peppers, unsalted sunflower kernels, fried onions, kalmatta olives, cucumbers, carrots, nutritional yeast, and about a thimble-full of dressing (I'm not a huge fan of it). Yummy and it follows the rules! Hooray!

Snack: My homemade mix of dried cranberries (which I just cannot find without sugar), raw almonds, roasted soybeans, cashews, and some salt. I love this and eat it almost every day.

Second snack: a bag of Rold Gold pretzels. Whoops. I made the mistake of forgetting that I'd be in a training for 3 hours and would be away from the food I took to work. This completely violates rules 4 ("avoid food products that contain high-fructose corn syrup"), 5 ("avoid foods that have some sort of sweetener in the first three ingredients"...yeesh), and the one about not eating food from the same place you get gas (I can't remember the number).

Dinner: Split pea/lentil/seitan/carrots/potato/anything else soup. Oops. I forgot about seitan. I guess that's two "meats" for the week! I had this yummy soup with the herb version of Mary's Gone Crackers crackers. Now, these crackers have a ton of ingredients but they're all organic lovely things like flax seek, quinoa, brown rice, etc. I think they should get a pass.

Second dinner: like 4 hours later! Mondays are really long! "Chicken" nuggets (see above) and Cascadian Farms spud puppies with some amazing organic ketchup made with agave nectar.

I also had a gallon of water as is my norm. Also, my exercise was physical therapy for my knee.

How do I feel tonight? The same, really.

So! The experiment is going well, I think. So far, the lessons I've learned are:

Perhaps I should have started on a Tuesday.
Always have healthy snacks on hand.
My way of eating really isn't that far from following the Food Rules. Of course, I wasn't really trying to change anything today. I followed even more rules that I've mentioned here. Tomorrow I'll be more diligent. I will try really hard to not eat in my car (it's an hour both ways!) and be more aware of what's going in my mouth and when.
Thank goodness I'm already vegan or this experiment would be torture.

I would name all of the rules but I'm afraid I'll break some copyright law or something. Although I've probably shared too many here as it is! Go look it up! It's worth a read of two.

So far tomorrow's plan is: pumpkin-walnut muffin made this weekend, more of the soup from today, more of the trail mix, a banana, and a chickpea/cabbage soup I want to try. We'll see if that actually happens!

Instead of Fritos

2011-10-11T16:38:00.002-04:00

I am Worried
          Scared
          Aggravated
          Frustrated
          Disappointed

But.

Eating                  won’t fix this.
Panicking
Hiding
No self-care
Compromising

Only Time         will
           Patience
           Support
           Honesty
           Clarity

I can Read
           Sleep
           Cry
           Clean
           Wait
           Meditate
          Move my body
         Kiss my husband
          Hug my pets
          Call a friend

I have feelings.

Feelings don't have me.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2011-09-05T14:34:00.000-04:00

I’ve decided to become a traveler. I think it’s the perfect time for it—we have good jobs, savings, no children, and free time now that we’re out of school. This summer I traveled more than I have in my whole life! In addition to spending two weeks in two cities, I also had my sister Hayden come visit. I plan to see my other two sisters in some form or fashion before the year is out. I am so grateful to be able to travel and see the country (hopefully world one day).

I planned to blog during the trips, but was so adamantly against spending time with technology. So, I’ve compiled a few thoughts that flew quickly through my mind while flying, driving, sitting, swimming, reading, etc.

1. I love traveling. If it were up to me, we’d go somewhere every quarter. However, we’re not wealthy, so I’m happy with seeing family once a year and going on vacation once a year. Anyway, I love traveling. I love the anticipation of the trip, the permission to be a complete bum, the chance to not be attached to a screen. I want to see the entire world.

2. Somehow I forgot that Craig grew up while I was doing the same thing. How self-centered of me. I love the man he’s grown up to be and the fact that he keeps me so grounded.

3. If Kalem wants to drive, I should let him drive. If he drives more than me, that does not promote less equality in our marriage. It just lets me read.

4. The two things that seem the most apparent (and superficial) that our father gave me and my three sisters: love of cereal and card games.

5. I wasted a lot of time in my life being angry at my father. I could have had so much more time getting to know Hayden and Hannah. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of their lives now.

6. Being vegan sucks in an airport. Also, tons of junk food is vegan!

7. Being vegan makes me feel even more grateful for nature and life than I did before. I watched a mama turkey and baby turkey cross the road in Washington and felt no guilt. It was really powerful and helped deepen my resolve for this lifestyle.

8. It makes me sad that I didn’t get to plan a wedding when I married Kalem. Then again, I’m glad I missed out on all of the craziness and financial stress!

9. I freaking love Jeremy. I always knew I liked him, but this was a great chance to get to know him. I feel we have a lot in common.

10. Baltimore is not the place for me.

11. I feel so at home in the water. I want to swim every day I can. The beach is magnificent.

12. Apparently all I need to exercise is peer pressure! I need Kalem to pressure me and vice-versa. It’s much more fun to just eat pretzels and hummus and watching “Charmed”, though.

13. WAGS (Weirdly Awesome Green Soup) rocks when your veggies are on the way out and you’re craving warmth and cornbread. It’s also a nice way to let everyone put in their personal touch to a meal that creates a great sense of community.

14. I miss the mountains. Flying over the Rockies literally took my breath away. It’s been so long since I could see a mountain sunset on a daily basis.

15. We should really build up our savings before we go on another vacation.

16. As much as I want a child sometimes, I really love being able to go when and where I want.

17. Vegan soul food is AMAZING. I WILL learn how to make decadent BBQ “ribs” before the year is out.

18. I hate Pittsburgh most of the year (winter feels longer than six months!), but there is truly no place like home.

19. I’d love to take a vacation just by myself one year.

20. I want to take a vacation with my closest girlfriends one year.

21. I want to live on the beach when I retire.

22. I miss my parents.

23. What would I do next year if I had no fear? A lot of things I’m not doing now. It’s time to have more courage.

24. I want to have a huge 5-year anniversary party next year.

25. I am missing nothing by not having cable at home.

I can’t wait for our next vacation. It will either be a cruise or New Orleans. The sky (and our bank account) is the limit.

On Emotional Healing

2011-08-04T10:26:00.001-04:00

I forgave my father after over a decade of resentment. I fired my therapist and have a new one who feels like a much better fit. I am meditating, sleeping, talking things out. Kalem and I are working on improving our already-very-good marriage. I’m growing!

This year has taken me for a loop, emotionally. All things considered, I have had a very good year—things have been moving along in my career, we’re finally working on the house, and we’re more financially stable than we’ve ever been. Kalem and I are great friends. Nevertheless, I’ve been very down. I know that this has come from not being able to use my old, reliable, unhealthy coping skills. That sucks. And hurts. A lot. Without my old behaviors, it seems like I feel everything at 100,000% ALL OF THE TIME. Ouch. I’m more sensitive than normal, that’s for sure, which leads me to withdraw. I went through about four months this year when I didn’t speak to anyone but my hubby-hoo and my mom unless I had to. Not even Craig could break through. I didn’t spend time with friends and when I did, I ran back to isolation as soon as I could. I was hurting and didn’t know what to do about it! Through a lot of reflection and good, warm guidance and support from friends, I know that I’m just going through growing pains. This pain is good. I’ve realized that no feeling is final and that no feeling is healed by food. What an epiphany for me!

I’ve been doing much better, fortunately. Slowly, I’m starting to feel things and not want to run to the comfort of my solitude or to the glow of my refrigerator. It feels great. Scary and new, but great.

I always thought that I practiced good self-care, but the last three years have shown me that I needed to learn an entirely new way of experiencing myself and the world. I have so much to be grateful for and it’s okay to not always remember that. I don’t have to feel guilty for feeling crappy or selfish every once in a while. I don’t always have to be the cheerful one. I just have to remember to come back to the beauty that surrounds me. Finding bliss in the here and now is a struggle (I’m so stuck in the future), but I am learning. Always, I’m learning.

I’m so grateful for the love and support that carries me on a daily basis. Without it, I’d still be stuck on the third floor, hiding even from myself. I’m glad for giving myself that time, but now I can show myself the love I need by saying “that’s enough! The food’s gone. What can I do now to grow?”. I can’t wait to see how I learn to experience myself now.

On Physical Healing

2011-07-13T13:38:00.000-04:00

For the last three years, my health has not been what I’m used to. I used to have remarkable immunity, getting just a cold once a year. In May 2008, I got a viral infection the week before our anniversary, leaving us stuck at home rather than celebrating. I still haven’t gotten over it completely yet. 2008 from that point forward was miserable—I caught cold after sinus infection after viral infection. I was on antibiotics for the rest of the year. Almost eight months of antibiotics! No wonder my body was exhausted. 2009 and 2010 were much better years, though I still catch things much too easily. I had the flu this year and slept 13 hours a day for an entire week. And was still exhausted afterward. Nevertheless, I do think I’m healthier than I was three years ago—I exercise regularly and try to eat well. Actually, in the last three years my eating has changed dramatically. On August 1, 2008, I started the difficult work of no longer eating my feelings. I’ve had slip-ups, but for the most part, I’ve been able to learn to not stuff my feelings. This year I’m learning lessons about how my body shields me from the world on a daily basis; it’s intense, but so necessary. I’m learning that it’s time to not treat my body as a weapon or crutch. Tough stuff.

Even though I feel like a new person since I stopped eating my feelings, my body still hurts. My mood has been crap this year. My face literally hurts from the acne, when I had great skin as a teenager. My hair is thinning. Restful sleep does not always happen. When I do sleep, I’m still tired. I ache from a workout for days following. My tummy hurts a lot. I find myself zoning out more than I used to. My fingers go numb any time there’s a hint of chill in the air (this winter in Pittsburgh, I found myself wailing after a fifteen-minute walk because the thawing felt like my fingers were falling off!). Oy. Now, I know that a lot of these symptoms correlate with depression, too. I really felt like this was more. I’ve had bouts of intense sadness, but this felt like just too much. Plus, though my mood’s been crappy, it felt more physical than spirit-based. My body is just…tired!

Part of intuitive eating dictates that I stop obsessing about my weight. This was definitely welcomed—I hate the instant self-hate I feel every time I step on a scale. I could no longer handle the frantic weigh-ins, the furtive sneaking of food, the overwhelming guilt, the painful hard-core diets. I’d had it. Still, with the changes I’d made, I expected to lose some weight. I mean, I trained for a 5k and nothing changed. I’m training for a 10k now and am pretty much in the same place. In a way, I’m glad, because this is the longest I’ve stayed at any weight. I’m glad to know that I can be strong and active just where I am. I don’t hope to lose weight (history has shown that even the hope sends me spiraling), but I just want to feel better. As well as I can. I don’t want to end up as sick as my father. I want to take control of my health right now.

I’ve been trying to take care of my health without medication or pills and trying to heal myself more from the inside out. I decided to try going to a naturopath and get some help in finding more balance for my body. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on RA and more alternative treatments and heard about naturopathy. It was a really interesting experience. She tested all kinds of stuff and told me my body’s sensitive to chocolate, nightshade veggies (tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, peppers), eggs, dairy, honey, sugar, mushrooms, and soy. So, basically, everything I like. Also, I have a hormonal imbalance and my thyroid, gallbladder, adrenal glands, and liver are not working their best. I was given supplements and asked to avoid these foods as much as possible.

I’ve slowly been trying to get these foods out of my system. As a food is used up in the home, I just don’t replace it. So far, the eggs, honey, and all of the dairy but cheese are gone. Kalem is still eating a “normal” way, so I just have to not go off the deep end on his yummy snacks! I’m not as resentful as I expected! I think it’s because I agree with everything she has to say. What my body is doing makes complete sense given what organs are struggling. I’m not “sick”, but there is room for improvement. I’m willing to make these changes if it helps me feel better. Once things are back to normal, I might be able to reintroduce things, too.

My stomach hurts less often now. I am definitely more aware of how my body feels when I do have that piece of chocolate or something else on the list every once in a while, too. My sleep’s less wonky. I’ve even lost five pounds. My skin’s still a mess. So, there’s good progress, though I know there’s a lot more to do.

What’s cool about this whole process is how much more time and consideration I’m putting into what enters my body. I am cooking almost every day. Since there are so many constraints to what I can eat now, it makes more sense to cook and bake more. I’ve always loved cooking and am really enjoying trying new recipes. I haven’t found a dessert yet, but there’s hope! Also, it feels like lately Kalem and I have been more interested in following a vegan lifestyle. These changes are making it an inevitable reality since I haven’t eaten meat in over a year now. It’s not the most fun, but it seems more feasible than I thought it would.

When I started eating mindfully, I never expected that I’d have to do more with my body than listen to its hunger signals. I think that this new step of listening to my body will help me heal even more deeply—emotionally, physically, spiritually—than I’d ever hoped for.

Finally!

2011-05-07T22:24:00.006-04:00

It’s been absolute ages since I last wrote and far too much has happened to review it all. Still, I’ll try to update on what’s most pertinent.

Kalem and I graduated last December and are now licensed social workers! It’s wonderful to finally be done. I really can’t believe that after 23 years, I’m no longer a student. Yahoo! I’m just thrilled and relieved. I can’t help but wonder if one of us will end up getting more schooling, but for now we’re just enjoying moving at a slower pace.

In December, I left Women’s Center and Shelter and took a position as a social worker at The Commons at Squirrel Hill, a skilled nursing facility near home. It was incredibly hard to leave WC&S but I knew that the time had come to leave. At least I finally have a social life now that I don’t work with most of my friends! The Commons ended up being an absolute nightmare. I could go on and on about why it was wrong but the main reason was because I do not need to work in a medical facility. I flourish in a social service agency where everyone wants to help others grow and flourish. I mean, it’s why I’m a social worker! So, I decided to leave, even though I’d been at The Commons for only four months, for the sake of my soul. I had an interview a few weeks ago to be an outpatient therapist at a local social service agency. I didn’t expect to get the position at all! The interview ended up going wonderfully and I was offered the position the next day. It’s really a dream job—I’ll be meeting clients individually and running a group along with other therapists. I’ll get tons of clinical supervision for free as I work toward becoming a clinical social worker, too. I never thought I’d get to do this work before I got my clinical license. I’m so excited! My first day is Monday and I cannot wait. Also, Kalem has accepted a position doing family therapy with Wesley Spectrum Services! He starts on the 23rd. We are so excited to both be able to do therapy and move toward our dream of doing private practice one day.

We got a new pet in December! We adopted a black cat and named her Jadis Thatherton Wright. The Jadis is for the White Witch of the Chronicles of Narnia she’s a black “witchy woman” and Thatherton is Strickland Propane’s arch rival on “King of the Hill”…I know, we’re nerds. She’s an absolute love and we’re so glad to have her. Matlock can’t be bothered with her (but then again, he doesn’t like anyone or anything that takes attention from him), but she and Kairi are total buds. She’s a great addition.

We went home for Thanksgiving! It was too-short and really frantic, but it was just lovely. I love seeing our families. It was harder to leave my mama than it's ever been. I miss my parents and Kalem's mom terribly but am grateful for the close relationships I have. We'll see my parents next when my sister gets married in November.

Oh, my sister is getting married in November! Chad proposed on 10/10/10 and they will marry on 11/11/11. How cute is that? There are no set plans yet other than the wedding date and city so far.

My journey with intuitive eating has been fantastic. I am really comfortable with my body and have a much easier time listening to it. It’s too uncomfortable now to binge because I know that by doing so I’m mistreating myself. With not binging have come some good and bad-ish results. First of all, I’m losing weight. Most people would see this as good, but at first I felt very afraid. Losing weight tends to send me into a tailspin—I work out more than is comfortable, starve myself (only to binge because I’m famished), and get on the scale more at least three times a day. I did that for about a week before realizing how crazy I was making myself and fortunately was able to take a step back and get back to “normal”. So, I feel comfortable in my skin and love the way I’m eating. I have been exercising very regularly and really enjoying it. It feels great to move my body without the intention of losing weight. I enjoy moving my body to increase its strength and endurance. With that in mind, I’ve been walking a ton lately and loving it! I have decided to walk a marathon next year in May 2012. I’ve wanted to complete a marathon for a while but thought it was something I either had to do once I was thin or a runner. Seeing as how one may never and one will probably never happen (you can guess which one is which!), I’m going to train for one now! I am almost done with training for the 5K. The 5K takes place as part of the Pittsburgh Marathon’s scheduling and is next Saturday. Because I'm walking so much, I haven't practiced nearly as much yoga as I'd like. I love it and must get more practice in!

With my feelings not being stuffed down with food, it feels like my feelings are 100x more intense than they’ve ever been. I just…can’t…stop…feeling. It’s really insane! For about three months, it was just too much to bear and I just withdrew. I’m learning to just be okay with not being okay and that I’m just having growing pains (two wonderful friends helped me realize this). It may hurt like hell to feel so much (good, bad, or indifferent), but it’s so worth it to feel like more of a human being. I’m not as comfortable with feeling as I hope to, but I’m making great progress and am really very proud of myself.

Let’s see, what else? Oh! I am three books away from completing all of Agatha Christie’s works. I could have been done last month, but I’m pushing away from the inevitable for the while. With my reading journey coming to an end, I’m eager to start reading other mystery authors. I’ve joined two books clubs and will go for the first time next week. I’m excited to have a chance to meet new people and read books I never would before.

I became a Big Sister a few months ago! I have a lovely Little who is 11 and an absolute joy. So far, we’ve gone to eat and to the movies and will meet up again next week. Her mom enrolled her in Big Brothers Big Sisters to make sure she had an adult role model who’s Black (she’s biracial and is part of an otherwise White family/school) and who she could talk to about boys, self-esteem and anything else. She makes me so happy and we have so much in common. I look forward to seeing her as much as possible and having a long-term relationship with her.

Kalem and I are cooking up a storm now that we’ve realized how much money we were spending eating out. Kalem bought a vegan cookbook that we are working through (we think we may one day go vegan if we can lay off the cheese and ice cream!) and it’s been really fun. It’s impressive just good vegan food is after all. We try to replicate our favorite restaurant meals as much as possible. Kalem’s obsessed with Thai food now so our wok gets tons of use! Tomorrow we’re making egg rolls and sushi for the first time.

Well, that’s me in a nutshell right now. I’m happy and loved. Even though I’m going through a huge growing phase, I am content. :)

Big Love

2010-09-28T19:55:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading a fun book about fat body acceptance. I enjoyed the message and how easy it was to read--I'd been feeling body-negative and very self-pressured to diet for the last week or so. This book helped remind me of how fantastic my body is and that life doesn't begin if/when I lose weight. Part of Intuitive Eating/Health At Every Size is not trying to lose weight and being okay with the fact that eating intuitively may never lead to weight loss. Boy. Talk about heavy (ha!).

I've struggle with this idea. I'm feeling more okay with the idea that I might always be this size; after all, this (1.5 years) is the longest I have ever been at any weight. I have to admit that my body appears to be comfortable here.

So, it's time to own it! My body is large. My body is beautiful. My body has luscious curves and is capable of giving and receiving affection. My body carries and protects me. My body moves in connection with the earth. My body tells me what I need. If I were a size zero or a 10X, it would still do these same things. My body will always be mine and deserves love, compassion, fun, and movement.

There will be times that I don't always feel so good about my body. To maintain a positive body image, I will:

Have a fabulous wardrobe. Never buy clothes that are too small.
Not engage in negative self-talk.
Continue therapy.
Go to yoga and walk. Revel in what this lovely frame can do.
Never feel ashamed of my body. Give myself compliments every time I stand in front of a mirror.
Stand up for myself when others comment on my weight.
Not use food to soothe myself.

I'm digging this body today. I plan to do my best to feel this way always. :)

Back to Life

2010-09-16T20:03:00.000-04:00

August was a lovely month! After I decided to go on a hiatus, I spent as little time as possible in front of a screen. I practiced yoga, walked my dogs, tried new recipes, read novels, and slept. It was bliss. I realized that what I needed at the end of my internship was rest more than anything.

However, I am back to being busy! A lot went on during my hiatus, but now that I'm back to normality (whatever that means), it's time for updates!

My being a student is coming to a close after 22 years. Kalem and I have 92 days left until we are students no more, thank goodness! I can't believe it. I am taking two classes this semester, both of which deal with different modalities of counseling/therapy. I really am enjoying them and am learning more about how to be a clinician. It's also wonderful to not have an internship and have two week nights to myself.

As school comes to an end, I've been thinking heavily about just what I want to do "when I grow up". I came to the conclusion about a week ago that I would like to do therapy in a private practice setting one day. Because I am interested in having a mind-body connection in what I do, I am planning to pursue yoga therapy certification as well. I love yoga and what it has done for my mind, body, and soul. I want to be able to integrate that into traditional talk therapy. So often when people are in times of trouble, they become disconnected with their bodies and surroundings. So! In order to meet these goals, I plan to first practice a heck of a lot of yoga. Once I feel more settled in my yoga practice, I will start my yoga therapy training. I have a lot of time to do so because I cannot sit for my clinical social worker exam until two years after I've been a licensed social worker (December 2012). So, what I do with myself until then? I feel fairly comfortable with where I am, but I can feel burn out setting in. At least with me noticing it, I may be able to head it off. I love the field I work in and get a real sense of fulfillment. Still, I am almost positive that I will be ready for a new work experience soon. We'll see what happens once I have my degree. So, I'm currently working on improving my body's strength and studying for the LSW exam as a means to getting where I want to go!

On the home front, things are going well. We had a real scare with Kairi our monkey-dog. She had a large mass on her right side that had to be removed. We were so scare that it was cancer (what the doctor warned) and were on pins and needles for about three weeks. It really made me realize how much I love that dog (I admit to loving Matlock more--he was my first pet!). Fortunately, she is okay! Only our crazy mutt could get a bacterial parasite from breaking into and chowing down on our compost heap. :).

Kalem and I are doing well. We've been talking about kids, but only enough to say we don't have a real resolution and we're not going to talk about it really for the next few years. He's in Boston right now for training for her internship and I miss him so much! We are so lucky to have what we have.

In other HUGE family news, I met my two other sisters last week! My biological father had two children other than Dionne and I with another (now ex-) wife. Their names are Hayden (14) and Hannah (13) and we've been in touch for over a year now. Dionne (who had lived with them for a few years in the past) and I drove to Ohio and it was a blast. They are such well-rounded, funny, and sweet girls. We went to Hayden's marching band performance and Hannah's basketball game and talked and played cards and got to know one another better. It was really wonderful. I am thrilled to be cultivating relationships with these lovely young women!

My eating has been good. I have been binge-free for months now! I've begun to lose weight, too, which gladdens me because...well, it does...and scares me because it makes me want to diet (which leads to crazy behavior on my part). I'm just taking it day by day. My servings have gotten a bit bigger (more than I need) and I've been eating a lot of chocolate as "dessert" for both lunch and dinner even when I'm no longer hungry. I need to take a step back and make sure I'm not "sliding". Overall, though, I've never felt better and prouder of my relationship with food.

Let's see, that's all that's going on with me (that's more than enough!). Life is going just swimmingly. :)

Hiatus

2010-08-09T22:38:00.004-04:00

So...the consciousness cleanse is on an indefinite hiatus.

The few days that I did it served my purpose--I have been eating more intuitively and have been feeling more confident through positive self-talk and self-care. I practiced a lot of yoga and got so much from it. It was really nice.

I think that the problem, however, stems from the fact that, for the first time in fifteen months, I have free time. I want to be outside walking the dogs. I want to be reading on the porch. I want to be trying new recipes and going to coffee shops with friends. I do not want to be blogging every day.

I am thrilled beyond measure to finally be able to relax. I really feel that having this leisure time (if only for a month before school's back in session) is critical for me to survive the last 4 months of school. So, I'm taking a break. I'll be doing as much yoga as I can but still finding times to be active in ways that bring me joy as well, like Zumba or walking.

I feel so much better just from my few days of the cleanse and know that when I get back into it, I'll be ready.

In other news, things are pretty good. I'm finding myself retreating and am making more of an effort to reach out to friends just to spend time together. Kalem and I are talking a lot, which is so needed. It's been ages since we had evenings together and it's wonderful. I'm getting regular headaches so I'm working out how to deal with them or get rid of them or something. Other than that, things are fairly normal. I'm pretty happy with the way things are!

2010-08-04T23:39:00.000-04:00

Today's topic was forgiveness. This wasn't a very moving day for me. I did the exercises, sure, but I'm not feeling all that inspired. With all that said, here's how today went for me:

I wrote about what I need to forgive in light of my history of disordered eating:

myself for silencing my body with food in an effort to create an impenetrable shell of fat
myself for negative self-talk
myself for letting others dictate how I should feel about my body
others for the resentments I have that have influenced the way I eat (ate)
my body for the pain I've gotten so angry at in the past
myself for a lack of self-care

I know that all of my experiences have given me strength and tenacity. I know I can move from disordered eating to a healthy relationship with food. I'm so tired of holding my feelings in a creating a toxic environment. I have been held back by grudges and resentment. I want to be open to change and grace in my life again.

I couldn't do a full-blown practice today. My body hurt, my spirit was tired, and I just wanted to rest. I tried to do a longer practice, but my knees and my head ached. I ended up doing a guided imagery. It's still yoga...I mean, you can do a 30-minute savasana, right? ;) I used it as a effort to show compassion and forgiveness to my body. It was hard to forgive myself for not doing a more intensive practice, but it was just what I needed.

Balancing My Scale

2010-08-03T13:13:00.004-04:00

Today’s topic is the gift of release.

I am learning to release the perception of myself that I am not worthy of change and growth. I have let my spirit get terribly polluted by all of the negative things that have happened in my life. I have let my spirit dim.

My greatest barrier is fear: what if I can’t do this? What if I fail at yet another thing? I am willing to give up this fear fpr the next nineteen days to reach my heart's desire. I am working to give up this fear. I typed up the things that I need to let go of to reach my desire (fear, doubt, resentment, anger, loneliness, sadness, low self-esteem, anxiety, jealousy, helplessness, shame, and self-loathing) and shredded it. I’m not religious, so I used the phrase: “I let go of all of that has taken up space in my mind, body, and spirit. I release the pain I’ve been unable to let go of. Today, what has formerly been toxic will become fuel for my future.”

My intention is to loosen my grip and release this fear. I am released from the toxicity of my past. I released the action of weighing myself as a way of working toward my outer goal of eating more intuitively. I know that weighing myself is not a helpful practice for me and leads me to eating in a way that is harmful both physically and emotionally. Today, I stated that I feel confident during every check-in I had to do at work as an effort to grow closer to an overall feeling of confidence (my inner goal for this cleanse).

When I first started working through today's topic, I wasn't feeling all that touched or inspired by it. I understand that I need to release a number of toxic things (attitudes, behaviors, relationships) from my life. Did that happen today? No. I have more awareness of it, but it won't happen just because today's topic is releasing.

On my way home, though, it started making more sense to me. Kalem and I hadn't spoken all day, something very rare for us. On my part, work was insane and I didn't have a chance to catch my breath for most of it let alone make a phone call. We never even tried to call each other--normally, he calls me once he's awake and we get online to talk as the day progresses. I called on the way home with no response. I pulled into the driveway and the mail was still in its box. The dogs made no noise as I walked into the entry. I called for Kalem and didn't hear anything. I instantly went into panic mode and started thinking the worst and that something had happened to him. It astounds me how quickly I got so frightened.

As it turns out, everything was fine. He had been busy all day, too, and when I got home, he was on the third floor and couldn't hear me. I burst into tears as soon as I heard his voice. I can't believe how scared I'd been!

One thing I'd been told when we first got married was to look at every argument and ask whether it was going to matter five years from now. So often I've overlooked this advice and stayed mad for just a little while longer. I felt the need to be near him so strongly this evening--to smell him, to feel his hand in mine. Life is so short and precious and it's important we tell the ones we love how we feel as often as we can. I know I have to release anger more quickly and learn to come to a compromise.

Kalem's at internship now. I had planned to go to a yoga class at Yoga Matrika after he returned home, but I felt the need to be home when he gets back--I feel a bit wobbly still. So, I turned to Elsie once more for a meaningful practice at home. I searched for a topic that had to deal with releasing and also cradled my vulnerability and honored my body. I haven't exercised daily in a long time and my body is so tired--my knees hurt from so many poses on the floor. I chose a gentle practice that lasted for an hour and consisted of mostly sitting poses titled "Expand and Contract". I listened to the opening before starting it and knew it would be a perfect fit.

As always, it was. She spoke about the need for us to find a place of surrender and effort all at once. I think that this fits so well with my searching for release today--I made an effort to symbolize removing toxic beliefs from my life and surrendered to where my life would take me without these spirit pollutants. I have to work on eating more intuitively while stepping back and letting the process take me where it will. It's a real balancing act.

Tomorrow, I'll feel less worried. Kalem is spending some time with a friend tomorrow night and I'm so excited for him! I am looking forward to having some time alone in the home to watch a Poirot film. :). I will be more prepared to release my anxiety because he needs to be near friends as much as I do.

I feel that letting go of the toxicity of the past will make way for a clearer, brighter future. I cannot move forward until I am ready to give up on the things that made me eat compulsively. I feel today was a great move toward balancing out my scale: removing the negative to make way for the positive.

Turning My Spotlight On

2010-08-02T23:39:00.006-04:00

Today I explored my self-awareness!

The self-awareness meditation provided by Debbie Ford encouraged one to look at her life as if it were a movie: to take an objective look and create a positive review. As I said before, this entire cleanse will focus on my eating, so I won’t really speak to other aspects of my life. In my life, emotional eating worked for a long amount of time—it helped me block feelings I was not ready to experience. Of course, I know that it does not any longer and I am more than ready to learn ways to live without this crutch. Intuitive eating has worked in my life for the past year and I am so grateful. Writing about my healing process has been incredibly beneficial as well. On the other hand, some things have not worked. I have taken the choices that others make too personally. I know now that I can only change the way I react to situations and not other people. I have disappointed myself by not living to my full potential and I have been disappointed when I surround myself with people who do not allow me to express my emotions. Weighing myself obsessively, eating compulsively, and yo-yo dieting has not worked as well. Fortunately, I’m not doing these things regularly anymore. I view my eating habits as a learning experience. I am on a journey as I work through this process of discovery and self-love.

I feel that what’s keeping me stuck is my fear of being without my crutch of overeating. For years, food has been what I have reached for when I felt any emotion that I didn’t want to have. In the past, I have held tightly to the belief that food would solve all of my woes. I have lived with the assumption that because I was big that I always would be and because of this, I was undeserving as a person. I have engaged in negative self-talk and actively discouraged myself from changing in ways that would boost my self-esteem. I am now willing to shift the way I live my life and view myself as worthy of the time it will take to learn how to cope without depending on eating.

The action I took today to reach my outer goal was eating what I truly craved for dinner: chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. I’ve done this before, but never without guilt! It was delicious and I felt satisfied—I know that if I had eaten something more “dinner-like” I would have still wanted ice cream which could have led my overeating. I ended up eating a more wholesome meal later that night and felt just as satisfied by that choice, too.

In order to work toward my inner goal, I gave myself a few compliments when I looked in the mirror. I feel somewhat confident in some aspects of my life, but my appearance is an area that needs a lot of work. It felt so good to do this.

I wasn’t able to attend a live class this evening because of the bus schedule, so I decided to do one of Elsie Escobar’s wonderful podcasts. Today’s was a beginners’ practice titled “The Spotlight is Always On”. I love the fact that Elsie always has a theme to her sessions—I have much better experiences and feel much more centered when there’s a theme. I searched through her archives and picked one that went along with my need to seek self-awareness. I don’t have a lot of experience with yoga instructors, but I am head over heels for Elsie’s style and warmth. I love that I have the opportunity to laugh and feel so much joy and peace in her presence. I love the opportunity to dig in deep.

Holy crap. I am not sure if it was a really hard beginners' class or I am even more inflexible than when I first started yoga, but it was tough! Elsie is truly remarkable. I loved it, though. It was super intense and I feel amazing after finishing it. The idea is that, regardless of whether you notice, all of your actions are seen. I was asked to ask myself what the choices I make reflect upon the inner sacredness of my being as well as those I care about. It really spoke to me. So many of my food choices show the exact opposite—that I used to not view myself as deserving of time, energy, love, and compassion. I now seek to have a constant internal spotlight—I want to always be aware of myself and my feelings. I feel that having this spotlight will help me be truly genuine and closer to wholeness.

During the practice, we moved into Warrior II pose. She spoke about fully rooting the back leg and pushing forward on the front. This required “scissoring” the legs, something that helps with stability. While holding this pose, she stated that we must be grounded in our pasts to move forward. It literally took my breath away. The idea of keeping the past in mind while growing is so profound—not being stuck, but being fully aware of where I came from. Wow! I had tears in my eyes. Part of my practicing self-awareness made me feel grateful that I knew when to practice modifications of the poses that were too challenging without feeling bad about my lack of progress. One of my favorite things about yoga is that it always meets me as I am, where I am physically and emotionally.

I adore the idea that non-judgment creates silence in my life. Even as I was practicing and trying to tune in to my body without any criticism, I felt so much peace and stillness. The practice ended with Elsie making the statement: May we have the courage to be ourselves when the light is shining bright on us and when it is dimmed because every action we make is seen and has meaning. I strive to keep this in mind on a daily basis from this point forward. All that I can do is be myself and remain fully aware of that truth.

The Gift of Desire

2010-08-01T21:25:00.006-04:00

As mentioned before, I started a 21-day consciousness cleanse today. The first topic is "The Gift of Desire".

Outer Goal: I started this cleanse as a celebration of a year of intuitive eating. Because of this, I chose to focus on my body. The highest vision for this area of my life is that I eat more intuitively. Achieving this goal will change my life in that I will be able to have much less of a focus on my eating. Fulfilling this desire will create room for me to move forward on my journey of self-acceptance.

As for my outer goal, today I honored my body and made the commitment to practice yoga daily during this 21 days. My first class was called "Core Challenge Flow" at Yoga Matrika and it was wonderful! I am so glad to be back in the yoga mix. Yoga makes my body feel better than any other form of exercise. It also helps me center and feel much more self-aware and reflective.

Inner Goal: The feeling I desire most this year is confidence. I've often been told by people that they admire my confidence (as a big woman), but I don't feel as confident as I tend to come across. I want to feel confident in myself and not compare my body to others' every time I walk into a room. If I were more confident, I would feel less down on myself and base my self-esteem on others' opinions. This confidence would improve other aspects of my life in that I would feel able to take more risks. The people in my life would benefit in that they wouldn't have to deal with my "freak-outs" where I'm desperate for words of approval. My confidence would make our interactions much more authentic and peaceful.

As for my inner goal, while at yoga today, I laughed when I fell over and smiled at the inflexibility of my body. I told myself that my body will tell me what it needs and that I cannot push it any further than it can go. I reveled in the strength and beauty of my body. I felt so confident and happy in my skin.

I'm excited about this experiment! I truly believe that I am worthy of my soul's desires

Ten Things Intuitive Eating Has Taught Me

2010-08-01T09:10:00.007-04:00

One year ago today, I embraced Intuitive Eating. I was tired of fighting the never-ending battle with the scale, my self-esteem, and societal norms. I threw my hands up and gave in. I was DONE. No more.

A year later, I'm still done and I couldn't be happier.

I don't freak out every time I find out what I weigh. I don't start the "when I'm thin, my life will be perfect" dialogue in my head every time I work out. I don't call myself names every time I pick up a "bad" food. I love these hips of mine. While I haven't lost a pound, I haven't gained one, either. For the first time my weight is stable.

I'm living. And it feels fantastic.

Of course, I still have a lot of progress to make. I still compare my body to others. I still feel down on myself sometimes. I have overeaten more than a few times. But this is worlds better than where I was before.

I've learned a lot because of Intuitive Eating:

I am a disordered eater. Before I started eating intuitively, I thought I just ate too much. I realize now how far from the truth that is! From the age of 11, I've eaten in a way that is not "normal"--I learned at a very early age that eating helped me not feel the "bad" feelings I had. It's so much easier to stuff the feelings and then stuff myself. I know now that eating the way I have for most of my life affects all aspects of my health.
Diets are crap. I started realizing this before IE, but it's fully cemented for me now. I know that diets only make me feel crazy and perpetuate my diet-binge-new diet vicious cycle. Science shows that it leads to weight gain and feeling low, too, which I know all too personally. I know that I will never diet again.
Food is not my friend. Friends are my friends. I am my friend. Food will never give me the support I used to seek from it.
Self-acceptance is the best high. People who eat compulsively are said to act in the same way that addicts/alcoholics do--they seek food to make them feel (or not feel at all). I used to anticipate the way being overfull would make me feel long before I began to overeat. I've never been so happy as I am now. Accepting myself as I am for who I am has made me feel so much peace.
Self-care is key. When I take care of myself, I want to eat in a way that is not harmful to me. Eating intuitively really is a form of self-care.
Movement does not equal dieting. I'm slowly learning that exercise does not have to be part of a weight-loss plan. I'm learning to enjoy moving my body and reveling in the strength it has and what it can do.
You can socialize without eating. Imagine that. You can also watch a movie without eating! Drive without eating! Talk on the phone without eating! Do homework without eating! I'm sure it was common knowledge, but I've just learned this. :)
My body is beautiful. Now that I'm not beating myself up for being big, I am falling in love with all of my curves. I am strong, supple, and vivacious and I love it.
Fruits and vegetables are wonderful. Now that I don't feel forced to eat them, I love fruits and veggies. Once the pressure was gone, I felt free to explore all types of foods and surprisingly, I'm constantly led to nutrient-dense foods with vibrant colors and flavors.
I have a lot of work to do! I have made many strides, but I am still on this journey. I have a lot to learn about coping without food.

This year, I spent a lot of time trying to stick to the basics: not eating when I'm not hungry, eating when I am, eating the foods I like. I feel like I'm ready to start doing more in-depth work. I'm ready to start working through all of these feelings that not eating has brought up. It's hard to feel all these things and not be able to stuff them back down with food!

I'll be embarking on a 21-day consciousness cleanse starting today. I normally wouldn't do something out of an Oprah magazine, but I've heard it's great and while it's not free from the author it is from Oprah! I think that this is a great time for me to do this because I don't have school for the month of August and I'm completely done with internship (hooray!) and would love to take this time just for me. I'm pretty excited about this. I'll be writing the first reflection from the cleanse later today.

I am looking forward to the next year of intuitive eating. Nothing but good has come from this experience. I can't wait to see what other goodness comes from learning to eat in a way that honors my existence.

On a wonderful side note, today is Be Body Positive Day! What a wonderful day to celebrate this change in my life. Enjoy this day by not saying one bad thing about your body. We all deserve great, tenderloving care!

Legacy

2010-07-29T10:38:00.002-04:00

I love running support groups. The group process always fascinates me--for the most part, groups run themselves and the members are remarkably talented at getting their needs met and their voices heard. I love doing activities in groups. I believe that group facilitators incorporate what tends to work for them and I know that activities--whether it's writing or moving around--work to get my mind working and my heart open.

I tend to do the activities along with the group members because I feel that I'm most present if I have some understand of the experience with them. (I don't share my answers because it's about them, of course.) Last night at my internship, we did an activity during which we wrote our own eulogies. This had to do with denial somehow and believe me, I didn't come up with it--if you know me, you know I don't talk about death. Anyway, it had a few questions we had to answer. One was "She never had a chance to..."

I did the activity without much thought (again, I don't talk about death much), but when I read it after I was done it really spoke to me. For this question, I wrote the following:

Go skydiving
Have a child (the most surprising because I don't even know if I want children)
Finish my MSW degree
Finish working on the house
Travel the world
Forgive my father

I think there were some other ones, too, that I can't remember right now. I am struck that such deep things came out for me, things I haven't thought about for years. For the last three years, I've said "Well, when I'm done with school...". It seems like there is so much that is hanging in the balance right now.

I've made it a goal to write a bucket list. I think it would be fun to create a written reminder of all of the things that I want to do while I'm here on this earth for the little, precious time I have.

If today were my last day, I wouldn't accomplish these goals. But I have lived in a way I am proud of. There is so much to do and not having an MSW should not be holding me back. I want to make sure that every day I am doing the most I can to make the most of my beautiful life.

Ten Things My Best Friend Has Taught Me

2010-07-18T09:20:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about my blog topics now and wondering what the heck to write about that doesn't have to do with eating and/or the daily happenings of my life. I was catching up on the blogs I read about once a week and was directed to a new one that I really love. She writes about plus-size fashion and food; who could ask for more?! While reading some of her archives, I came across a wonderful blog idea that I can't help but use. So, for the first of quite a few blog entries, I'm happy to write about my best friend Craig. Craig and I have been best friends for almost ten years and he is one of the most important men in my life (the other two are Papa and Kalem, of course). He has taught me many more than ten things during this time. I am a better person for knowing him. So, without further ado:

Ten Things That My Best Friend Has Taught Me

Every one has a creative side. Somewhere, deep inside of me, is someone who longs to create. I just need to let her out every once in a while. Just having a conversation with him makes me frantic to write or sew, anything to feel innovative.
Every one deserves kindness. Craig is one of the kindest people that I have ever met. He has the capacity to treat everyone well, even when it's not deserved. He has such a forgiving spirit and I try to be as understanding as him.
Put on a happy face. Even if I don't feel it, I've learned to fake it until I do. Sometimes I just have to smile to make things look less bleak and see things more positively.
Distance and time do not damage true friendships. A true friend is someone you can see or talk to after many months go by and things are just the same. Sadly, we don't see each other often, but we pick up right where we left off when we do. True friendship can stand almost any test. I've also learned that it cannot be forced--real friendship either is or is not.
Go with your gut. Craig has taught me to trust my intuition. When we first met, Craig knew we'd best friends and even though I thought he was nuts, he was right. He's taught me to trust that inner voice. When I first met Kalem, Craig told me to just trust myself. If I'd listened to him I would have saved myself some time and angst!
Take pictures. We've been friends forever and have only about three pictures together! I wish we'd been more proactive about documenting our time together. Looking back, I'd love to have pictures of us making scampi at his house and enjoying choir classes together, among other good times. Even though it's not obvious in this relationship, Craig has taught me the value of taking photos. :)
Never, ever, ever give up. He has an uncanny knack for following his heart and fighting for what he believes in. I wish I had his commitment and courage. Craig has an unbending belief in the power of love and it's apparent in the immense amount of energy and love he gives to those he cares about. No one could ask for a better friend.
Just dance. Through Craig's own passion for dance I've found my own. Not for flipping in the air and all that craziness he's talented enough to do, but just for going with the beat. I love belly dance now because of him; I never would have had the courage to take a class if he hadn't encouraged me. Even when it's not organized movement, I love to just turn on something that makes me groove and just dance everything away.
Never forget those who help you. I truly believe that Craig doesn't forget one person who has helped him in the past. He has a large network of people who love and care for him and no one ever feels unappreciated by him. Because of him, I write as many thank-you notes as I can because every kindness shown deserves appreciation.
The best is yet to come. I mean this in terms of our friendship as well as our own futures. Craig is one of the people in my life who teach me to hope beyond hope. He has so many big goals that I know he can accomplish. He has taught me to never settle for ordinary.

I had a great time doing this; it has helped me remember just why I need him in my life. Stay tuned for the lessons I've learned from other people in my life. I'm so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by so much good.

Pseudodieting

2010-07-07T12:42:00.000-04:00

When I first decided that I was going to start blogging about my intuitive eating experience, I told myself that I wasn’t going to let it take over my blog. However, right now, I don’t have much going on, just work-school-internship-IE-sweet hubby hoo. Maybe when I’m done with school I’ll have more of a life. :)

Anyhoo! Last week I wrote about the first principle of intuitive eating, rejecting the diet mentality. I’d been doing a pretty good job of it because, to be honest, dieting is the last thing I want in my life right now. I’ve started struggling with it, though.

I started exercising daily about two weeks ago because I want to have a stronger body regardless of the size I am. It’s been hard to do on the days I’m out of the house until 10PM (so, almost every day!), but I’ve been sticking to it. I’ve been sleeping better and feeling much better physically.

Two days ago I really didn’t want to work out. Kalem and I didn’t have a real holiday because I had to work and I just felt like vegging since I didn’t have to go to my internship that night. So, to motivate myself to work out, I decided to weigh myself and see what progress I’d made last week.

Whoa. There are a number of reasons I should have stopped myself, why my brain and heart should have made me come to a screeching halt. This is going to make me feel crazy about my weight. I’m going to feel, regardless of what the scale says, that I need to manipulate my eating and exercise patterns to get a better result the next time. I’m not supposed to care about my weight, just how healthy I feel.

Still, I stepped on the scale. I’ve tried to get rid of it because I know how crazy it makes me, but Kalem still wanted it, so it’s hidden from plain sight. I still know where it is, though!

I lost four pounds.

My first instinct was to be delighted. And I was, for about three minutes. Then panic set in, because I know that I’ll obsess over my weight for a while. It’s killing me to not get back on the scale every morning. I admit that I did yesterday. I weighed myself as soon I awakened and seconds after I finished working out. Today I didn’t and it was so hard! Still, I’m proud that I stopped so quickly after knowing how much weight I lost.

Pseudodieting is, for me, saying I’m not on a diet and still practicing diet-like behaviors. It’s hoping that this new way of caring for my body will make me lose weight, that it’s the last “lifestyle change” I have to make. I know that exercise can make me pseudodiet in a heartbeat. I’m not willing to not exercise (of course!), but I know I have to work hard on not letting that take me to a place I can’t go to again—binging out of control, hating myself. I want to be able to exercise and enjoy it for what it is—pushing my body to be stronger and healthier.

So, this was a scary episode for me, but it hasn’t led to a binge and for that I am so thrilled and excited. It’s small progress, but progress nonetheless! Baby steps!

Happy Birthday, Puppywups!

2010-07-06T10:07:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the fourth birthday of Matlock Archibald and Kairi Winifred Wright (and their other four littermates, of course!). We were given them as graduation gifts by Kalem’s mom and cousin. Now, I don’t really think that pets should be given as gifts because it’s such a huge responsibility, but we were ready for it. I picked this sweet fawn-colored pug mix and just fell in love the first time I held him. Kalem picked this tiny puppy that looked like a really big guinea pig. They spent their first year apart because Kalem and I lived in different states, but when we got married and I moved to PA, they became the best of friends.

I can’t believe that these pups have been in our lives for so long. Matlock has been such a good dog to me. He was super well-trained before we moved here and Kalem spoiled him rotten! He’s such a good sick dog—he can tell when I’m sad or not feeling well and won’t leave my side until I’m smiling again. Kairi is hopelessly endearing with the way she always lies on her back to be scratched and the way she’s just like a cat. She’s such a ham.

They had a really great birthday—we gave them a rawhide birthday card from PetCo and they loved it! They got all kinds of treats and a new toy and just got to play all day. We wanted to take them for a really long walk, but it’s too hot, so they’ll get their outing this weekend.

They may be smelly and ill-behaved, but they’re our babies! :)

Rejecting the Diet Mentality

2010-07-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

The first principle of Intuitive Eating is Reject the Diet Mentality.

I have no hope that “one last diet” is going to make be a size 2. I’ve been dieting off and on since I was 11 years old. Diets have been destructive for me in that I always follow the same sequence: I do really well for a week or even a month, I get down on it not working fast enough, I binge because I get down on myself for my size, I decide that “tomorrow” I’ll be back on track and “tomorrow” lasts for a day or week or month until I start my next diet. No more!

We’re encouraged to get angry about diets. I’m plenty upset—upset that for years I’ve been told that I’m not good enough (and believed it) and that if I just try the brand new thing, things would be “right”. If I were just thin, things would make sense in my life. I don’t look like a model and therefore don’t deserve love or success or friendship. I must hate myself because I look this way. Lies, lies, lies. And I ate them all up.

When I first started eating intuitively, I had a hard time with rejecting these ideas. I wanted desperately for intuitive eating to “work” and for years of emotional eating to just melt away. Not so much. This is work. It sucks and sometimes it would be so much easier to just binge.

The first time I rejected the idea of dieting completely was around the beginning of the year. Diets were the only thing being discussed. I was so sick of hearing so many people putting their bodies down. I decided then and there that I was never going to diet again. I am just listening to my body from now on.

I’ll be writing on my experiences with the ten principles of IE. Right now, this is where I feel strongest. I feel that by giving myself time and compassion, I can fully integrate Intuitive Eating into my life. Already, IE has changed my life so much for the better.

Tofu for Two

2010-07-01T15:49:00.005-04:00

Kalem and I made the decision to become vegetarians as of today, July 1, about a month ago. We've been slowly getting the meat out of the house (by eating it, of course!) and stopped eating meat when we went to restaurants. Today is our first day and it's been going well so far!

Kalem and I have differing reasons for the choice we made, but on my part, I have been feeling increasingly disturbed and sickened by the thought of eating flesh. Also, I've heard many reports of the environmental soundness of not eating meat. I've tried to be a vegetarian many times in the past but this time I'm completely prepared for it.

I'm so grateful for Kalem doing with this. He's so supportive. I believe this is a really good change for us! Now we just have to learn how to cook with tofu. :)

Full Steam Ahead

2010-06-27T15:28:00.002-04:00

A while back, I wrote about some health concerns I have been having. I was pretty nervous about how I've been feeling lately and finally made myself go to the doctor. Well, I am thrilled to report that all of my tests came back fine! I have no health problems! I am so grateful and relieved.

Along with what feels like a new lease on my health, I feel so motivated to take control of my life. I have started working out every day and taking more pleasure in my appearance. I am struggling with taking care of my health not equating embracing the diet mentality. I am not doing this to be a certain size. If it happens, so be it. My goal is to feel healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially.

I'm working with not going off the deep end and creating a too-lofty goal (for now) of running a marathon next year. Baby steps, I know! It didn't take a year to get in the shape I'm in and I know it will take more than a year to get back on track.

I am also coming to terms that this goal is not to get healthy, but to be healthy. I feel much healthier already now that I'm recommitted to intuitive eating and exercising daily.

I'm back on track and getting my health back!

Stripped

2010-06-22T15:14:00.002-04:00

For about two months, I have been debating over cutting off my locs. I'd been frustrated with how they were progressing--with the way my hair's been thinning, a few have fallen out. The new growth is coming in at an incredibly slow pace. I was only wearing it in a ponytail which was only making the breakage worse (therefore making me refuse to wear it down!). I was so annoyed with it!

As I wrote before, I've been working really hard on my recovery from compulsive eating. In my last session with my therapist, I had a real breakthrough as to what was holding me back in this process. I feel so clear now in what steps I need to take.

Today I decided to chop off my hair, which was about ten inches long. I wanted to have some drastic change to symbolize my willingness to strip myself of all barriers--my compulsive eating, my fears, my anger, my resistance. As each loc fell, I felt lighter and lighter. I felt such calm and peace (much more different than the last time I shaved it, when I cried for days!). And I look cute! :).

I feel so great now that I am recommitted to myself. I love me and am now showing it.

Back!

2010-06-20T20:50:00.007-04:00

It's been so very long since I last blogged! Things have been very busy. I have a lot to catch up on, so here we go!

School is really good. It's been a harder semester than normal but I am learning so much. I'm currently taking Grantwriting which is part of the COSA (Community Organizing and Social Administration) program in the School of Social Work. It's my first class in COSA (I'm in the Direct Practice program) and it's so interesting! I know that I want to work on the administrative side of nonprofit work one day, so this is a great skill to have. I wish I'd taken more classes in COSA in the past because I'm really enjoying it right now.

Internship is fine, too. It's really nice to have such a laid-back environment to come to. I have less than 40 days left to finish so I'm really excited to be in the home stretch. I can't wait to have some evenings to myself again.

A few weeks ago, the not-so-bright idea came into my head that I'd like to become a midwife. This would be an exciting and possible prospect if we lived in another state, but PA only allows nurse-midwives to practice. I cannot go to nursing school, especially when I'm so close to having an MSW! Of course, I never was good at science to begin with and the idea of so much is incredibly daunting. So, I am instead planning to train to become a doula next year. I would get to work as a social worker and still have the chance to help bring babies into the world. I planned to start this year but it would be too much. I'm so excited about this new venture! It's still not completely definite, because there's also the wonderful chance I'll get to do social work in women's health!

Work is insane as usual. I reached a point of fed-upness a few weeks ago and applied for other jobs. I'd felt frustrated with some aspects of my job, but am absolutely in love with others. I've gotten to do some work I'm really excited about and hope to move in that direction. I've got a real interest in project management right now. Work is going much better now because I've been a bit more assertive about what I need and have felt listened to. I am satisfied with staying until I become a licensed social worker and then we'll see where I go from there! :).

My health is a bit crazy, unfortunately. I am having problems with my hair in that the weight of my locs' weight is making the front of my hair incredibly thin. My back's been a bit achy. My knees are sore at last once a day. The color of the skin around my eyes is lightening. My hands hurt in the morning. I keep saying that it's a combination of years of crappy food, lack of self-care, and little movement. My body was good to me for so long and now it's tired. I know that all it needs is some compassion and care and am committed to that now. I will be going to the doctor this week to have some autoimmunity concerns looked into, but I'm sure that I'm fine in that way. I'm hoping that now that I'm more consistent in my self-care, things will come back to normal. I spent a great session with my therapist on Friday (where I cried the entire time!) and came home understanding what I need: to forgive myself for the way I've not taken care of myself in the past, to have patience with my healing process, and to show love to the body I have now. I've been struggling so much with staying motivated and will do more work to stay so. This is a great experiment in self-love and I'm ready to take it on because the only alternative is one I'm not willing to take. I'll be doing more reading on recovery from eating disorders. I once blogged about some feelings work I've done and plan to get back to it now. I'm really looking forward to it.

Kalem and I are doing very well! We celebrated our third wedding anniversary on the 24th of May. It was so lovely. We rented a hotel room and enjoyed the day by watching cable (which we don't have at home!) and swimming in the pool. We went to this crazy restaurant that sounded romantic online but in person look like some old storage bin of craziness. To give an idea--we decided to play a game of finding the craziest thing we could in the room from A to Z and for D we found "diving helmet", for P "pirate skull", and for W we found a "four-foot witch" statue. Nutty! It gave us a lot to laugh about. It fits us so much--we can always find something to laugh about even when nothing makes sense. I'm so glad, happy, and pleased to be his wife, lover, and best friend.

We have not been doing much work on the house lately, but we did buy a bed! I had no intention of agreeing to this, but the deal was just too good to pass up. It is so nice and really brings the house together.

I've been feeling the need for a change of my life lately. There are a lot of things going on in my life that can't be because I am in limbo for a while until school's over. I've been thinking about the Big Chop again. Eeep! I cried like a baby the last time I cut my locs off and know I would again, no matter how much I'd love it after all. Because my hair is thinning now, I feel it might be a good time to give my poor scalp a break for a year or so. We'll see how change comes about for me!

So, things are well, Busy, but great! Until next time, namaste.

Staycation, All I Ever Wanted!

2010-05-05T09:00:00.001-04:00

Kalem and I took six whole days off from work and it was delightful! We've been feeling so stretched thin and worn down and really needed some time to recharge and reconnect. It was so necessary. We slept, watched TV, swam, ate yummy food, cleaned, read, walked, and played games. So wonderful. It was so hard to go back to work, but work and internship seem so much more bearable with adequate rest. We have two more definite breaks scheduled this month and in August which will be very helpful as we make our way to the end of our MSW programs. Hopefully, we can get one break in and actually get to go somewhere.

Otherwise, things go on as normal. School starts up again next semester and I am dreading it. I'm taking Grant Writing and the instructor's already sent the book list and stated we're expected not miss any classes. Gulp. Still, it will be a good skill to learn and hopefully more of a challenge than any of the other classes have been.

We've made the decision to not replace Kalem's car this year. Not having a car payment will really help out for a while. We've worked out a schedule for the car and though it will be inconvenient for a while, it will work out fine. I'm thinking of buying a bike for the work commute and am really excited about it. It's a great form of exercise and a great way to get around. I haven't ridden a bike in at least twelve years, so I'm nervous about my balance, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. :).

Let's see, what else? I've been walking lately as my primary form of exercise and really enjoying it. I always end up coming back to it. I love the lack of impact and the chance to get outside and enjoy nature. Because of who I am, I've been thinking of walking a marathon next May. This is so much more realistic than my goal to run a marathon a few years ago. I know I can do this, honestly. I'm thinking this might be just the thing to jump off my fitness, but that might be my "extreme" personality speaking. Right now, I'm trying to just focus on gentle movement. Either way, I have until November to decide. :). I took Matlock for my last walk in the park and we had a blast. I don't feel comfortable taking Kairi by myself when I go (because she'd try to run back home and probably get herself killed), but it's great for my pup and I to get out there.

So, things are great! I'm still stressed but feel much more relaxed and refreshed. Just a few more months and things will be less crazy!

What I Need

2010-05-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

*I wrote this entry almost a week ago, but as I was on vacation and avoiding being online, I didn't type this up until today.*

I am tired of being a binger. During our vacation, I binged quite a bit. I'm not "being too hard on myself", in response to a lot of feedback I get about all of this--I'm not even upset with myself. I'm glad that it happened, which is pretty funny--I read that when first beginning IE, a binge could be a learning experience and thought that that was ridiculous. But it's so true! I've learned what I want (to be a more intuitive eater) and that's it's going to take hard work.

My binge eating disorder has controlled too much of my life. Even though I have so much to be grateful for, it has too long dictated me. No more. I've had it.

I've been seeing a therapist and working on this since August, but never wholeheartedly. I have a million excuses and have even wished to have my "coping skill" back. But I can't let myself get any sicker. I can't hate myself any longer. I can't stuff any more feelings. I just can't.

I have suffered from this for most of my life, but I still have enough insight to know I can do this this. I know what I need and works for me:

Healthier food practices--no more meat, no more fast food, whole foods, intuitive eating

Better emotional self-care--therapy, journaling, reading

Daily exercise

Love, compassion, and forgivenss for myself and my body

Support from others

Clean surroundings--good hygiene, clean home

Sleep--natural and plenty

So overall, I need balance. I'm scared of how this will change my life, but am willing to accept the consequences because I'm worth it. I deserve health in every aspect of my life and I'm ready to take the challenge to get it.

The Function of Feelings

2010-04-28T11:40:00.001-04:00

Part of my therapy involves homework--lots of reading and writing. I'm currently working through a feelings workbook and am already learning so much:

Feelings tell us about our internal world. My emotions are telling me what I need at that moment.

I don't think I was raised with a "solid emotional education". Growing up, I wasn't allowed to express negative feelings. That's why I laugh when most people call me "happy all the time". No one is happy all of the time. I'm cheerful, yes, but not always happy. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I had been allowed to express negative feelings. I am glad for this opportunity to learn how to now.

My feelings about feelings--I have a hard time accepting my "bad" feelings. But there are no such things as bad feelings--feelings are feelings are feelings.

I have a hard time expressing negative feelings because I don't want to appear ungrateful. I have so much to give thanks for daily. But it's okay to not always feel like everything's okay and I have to remind myself of that.

I'm really looking forward to see how feelings function in my life and learn how to integrate them into my life.

I have so many exercises to do and cannot wait! Already I'm feeling more self-aware.

Right in Front of Me

2010-04-27T17:03:00.003-04:00

As most of you know, I'm in school to get my MSW (235 days left!). As part of my schooling, my second internship takes place at a drug/alcohol outpatient treatment program (only 104 days left! Woohoo!). I have had the pleasure of interning with a woman named Paula who also happens to be a wonderful coworker at WC&S. I'm always learning new things about myself--as a professional and as a human being. Anyway, because I want to be the type of group therapist she is, I use a lot of her techniques as I grow as a group facilitator. I've been running groups for about three years now and love it. I know I have so much to learn! There's a great exercise that I do with clients at work often that we decided to do with these clients this week. There are five questions that each person is to answer:

How I was
How I am
How I want to be
What I need to be the best I can be
What I have to give to the world

I don't often do things like this along with the clients (at the risk of self-disclosing far too much), but it was decided that the clients, therapist, and interns would all do it. So, I dug in.

It was really powerful for me. I've done the exercise in my head briefly without much thought while my clients are doing it in group. But writing it out was really a big task. Here's what I came up with:

I was scared, sad, lonely, and "hungry" (for something I couldn't find in my pantry--though I certainly tried).
I am blooming daily, in progress. I've grown so much, but have quite a distance to go.
I want to be healthy in every aspect of my life (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically), centered, and have inner joy.
To be the best I can be, I need support from my loved ones and true self-care.
I have my service and passion to give the world. I've been taught to live for the service of others and it's why I do what I do.

It was very easy for me to answer number 3--I'm so future-oriented that it can drive people crazy, including myself. Also, numbers 1 and five were fairly easy, too. Part of my finally reaching out for help included becoming aware of why I needed to reach out. Also, I've always known I was meant to help others--it's part of who I am. I think the hardest to answer, by far, was number 2. I know that I am so focused on what's ahead--finishing school, getting licensed, finding a different job, having free time again, working on the house. Therapy keeps me aware of my past as well. But what's happening right now? I seem to forget.

I realized that I need to make more of an effort to enjoy what's beautiful in my life right now--my beautiful marriage that seems to only get better, the gorgeous weather, my health, people I love and who love me, so much more. I have a lot of goals and things I want to accomplish, but if I don't take the time to enjoy my life on the way, I may feel like the journey wasn't as worthwhile when I finally get there! Time is so precious and I'm determined to remember that.

Grateful for the Hubby-Hoo (or, How I Got Over My Own Stuff)

2010-04-23T20:09:00.002-04:00

Last weekend was a doozy. On a good note, my best friend Craig came into town for a visit. It was so fantastic to see him--we ate good food, talked and caught up, went to some crazy hot-yoga session, watched movies, went to a really cool dance performance, and just enjoyed each other's company. It had been about 1.5 years since I'd last seen him, which is far too long. Never again! I am so blessed to have such a loving, supportive, and fun person as my bestest friend. :). I'm a lucky girl.

Being near Craig for any amount of time always leads me to feel inspired to be more creative. I used to sing and play the cello when I was in high school and really am not involved at all in the arts now. I've belly danced in the past, too, but never anything too extensive. I feel moved to start dancing--something I've always dreamed of doing but never had the chance or drive to. I used to want to be a ballerina; maybe I'll take a beginner class when I'm done with school! Regardless, I can't wait to start belly-dancing seriously when school is finished. I love moving my body in that way. I need to make more time to embrace the arts in my life again, even if it's going to a play or the symphony more often.

On a very very bad note, Kalem was in a car accident the day Craig came into town. Fortunately, he's okay. His car (the same I wrecked four months ago) is completely totalled. We're working to see what we want to and can do at this time regarding a new second car once the insurance company pays off the other one. We both feel really sad about having to say goodbye to her--she (Sophie) was our first major purchase as a married couple and signified in a way our growing up and being responsible. This car was Kalem's baby.

Of course, it's just a material thing. What matters most is that Kalem is safe. Looking at the damage to the car, it's a miracle that he walked away from it. I am so eternally grateful that he is safe. I could have lost him. He's truly my everything and I don't show that enough.

Realizing yet again how precious life is really took me out of myself. I may be stressed and overwhelmed. But what matters are the relationships you have, the love you share and receive from other people. Make sure to take the steps to tell the people you care about that you love them as often and sincerely as you can.

I'm so grateful for Kalem and am trying to remind myself that, regardless of the stress in my life, I have to give thanks for all of the goodness and love that I have surrounding me.

Breakdown, Breakthrough

2010-04-08T10:32:00.000-04:00

Wow. This year so far, though far better in comparison with the last, has been hard on me. I knew going into it that it would be--we are both finishing our last year of school and combining that with work and internships leaves us with very few hours a week together, most of which are spent preparing for the next day. I'm wiped. I feel so drained, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Oy. My eating's been out of control. A few days ago, I told someone that I knew something had to give, but nothing could right now. I have to hold on until August 9--my internship will end then and I'll have more time to rest. Unfortunately, that won't give me more time with Kalem (as my free time increases, his will decrease), but I hope it will help me find more time for sanity.

Last night, I had something of a relapse in terms of my eating. As it was my turn to bring the snack to internship, I brought Cheez-Its. Bad choice! I ended up inhaling 2/3 of the box before I could stop myself. Fortunately, the other interns are two women I have trusted with telling my eating history, so when I asked for help (for them to get them as far from me as possible), they were quick to aid.

I was so ashamed, so frustrated. And scared--I've worked so hard to get where I am--was it this easy to go back to where I was before?

I was extremely distracted on my way home and almost crashed. When I got myself together and started driving more slowly and safely, I broke down. I've let my eating take over so much of my life in the past. I can't let it take over all of my thoughts, too. I won't.

Though I still have eight months left until I'm done with school, I know that I have to take steps to care for myself now. If I don't, I won't make it to 2011 with any sense of self. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I feel it's imperative that I give myself the love and compassion I need right now.

I'm glad I had this wake up when I did. It didn't feel good, by any means, but I needed to be reminded of how much I must take care of me at all times, regardless of what's going on in my life.

Back to Blogging

2010-03-20T09:31:00.002-04:00

I decided to finally take the time to blog today before I made it a whole month without doing so! It's been a busy time and a lot has been going on.

My parents and sister came to visit from March 3-9. It was a really wonderful visit. I was really anxious to make sure everything was perfect but I finally made myself take a step back and remember that this was about us enjoying one another and not having a spotless home. It was so great to see my parents coming in from the terminal (my sister drove in two days later). Mom looks as beautiful as ever, maybe even more so, and Mr. Man looks so handsome! It was such a treat to have them here. It felt somewhat strange having my parents in our home as adults; I'm so used to it being the other way around. During the visit, we did home improvement, played games, shopped, ate, and just talked. It was so nice. I cried as we watched my parents fly off because it's hard to live so far away from them sometimes. It had been almost two years since we last saw one another and we will never let it be that long again. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was to have them here!

Other than preparing for our visit, quite a bit has been going on!

Work has been really busy. I was glad to have time off while my family was here, but it was not a real vacation, so I'm still feeling a bit burnt out. I need real time off with time for myself to unwind. I won't have that until April 29, so I'm just doing my best to do my job right now. Fortunately, 10 of 19 of our shelter residents have housing right now, so I guess I'm doing okay! :). It feels really good knowing that so many of them have a place to go and that, in part, my hard work is helping that happen. I feel really validated.

A lot of structural changes are happening at WC&S that feel really big right now. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching as to whether I want to stay after I get my masters degree. There are so many reasons to, but I can see the good in leaving, too. I have not made a clear decision and am okay with that. I'm committed to staying until I get my MSW and then we'll have to see. With Kalem most likely getting hired there after he finishes his internship, it makes it really hard to decide. On the chance that I do decide to stay, I am trying to position myself to have more of a presence in the organization. So, we'll see! I love WC&S and can't imagine working anywhere else right now.

My internship is going well. I'm really focused on getting my hours done, so I'm making sure to do all I can as fast I can. I will be done August 13 and I can't wait! It's been so long since I had evenings to myself.

Last week, I turned 26! I had a really nice birthday and felt so much love from my loved ones. I'm so fortunate to have so many good people in my life. Some of the residents of the shelter I work at even gave me a balloon and Hostess cupcakes. I was totally humbled. I have such a wonderful life that I must celebrate each and every second of my life. I am so deeply honored to work to help such strong, incredible, beautiful, amazing women. I'm still in awe.

My health concerns have been...well, concerning! I got really sick a few days before my parents got into town. It was a simple cold but probably the worst I've had in years. I made a commitment to do anything I had to do to get my immune system back to a healthy place. I've stopped eating fast food. I'm taking vitamins, including vitamin C. I'm working out every day I don't have class and internship. I feel better already, but I know I have work to do. I'm starting to come down with something again, but I'm trying to stay active to get over it faster. I am 26--I shouldn't feel this sick! I want to be healthy and active and rested and my goal is to get there this year.

My eating has been nutty. I expected it to be crazy in response to the stress around my family's visit, but it has been crazy since. I'm struggling with being intuitive again and my self-esteem. For now, my goal is to just eat when hungry and not when full as well as not talking badly about myself. That's all I can do right now. When I'm done with school, I will be able to do more work on myself. There's just not enough time in the day! I've been meeting with my therapist, but I'm afraid she's about to suggest I diet, which was what started a lot of the problems I had before. We'll see how the next session goes.

Kalem and I are doing really well. It's so wonderful to be attached to someone who is such a perfect fit for me. I love him so much. We celebrated our joint birthday (it's actually tomorrow, March 21) yesterday and had a wonderful time. We can't wait until school is over and we have more time to spend with one another. He's the best.

That's all for now, I think! I'm holding on until December 18 and making sure to take the best care of myself I can for now. Life is so good and I have so much to be grateful for. Also, it's spring, the best season in Pittsburgh. Who can help but smile on days like this? :)

Driving Myself Crazy

2010-02-18T10:41:00.000-05:00

Since I last wrote, the snow is still crazy. I haven't seen our front steps in weeks and it's an ordeal just getting down them. We've stopped shoveling because there's nowhere for it to go. Every morning I wake up hoping that all of the snow has melted only to be disappointed. I'm so ready for spring!

On a good note, the streets are navigable now. My anxiety kicked up at least 200% when the first snow storm came through. Ever since my accident in December, I couldn't sleep thinking about having to go back out into the streets, sliding all the way to my destination. For that reason, I simply stopped driving. I couldn't take the stress. I reacquainted myself with the bus and learned to love reading on my way to work.

This would have worked wonderfully until summer except for the fact that I have to finish my internship (located completely across the city, in another borough) by August. I'm really behind in hours and already struggling to finish by then.

Last night, I decided to stop letting my anxiety get in the way of reaching my goals. I went home, dug my car out (she's a really tough old broad), and emotionally/mentally physically prepared to begin driving again. This morning I did it! It took me 40 minutes to drive 7 miles to work, but I made it. :). I feel like this has been a learning experience--the more I feared something, the more overwhelming it felt. But it wasn't scary at all. I just have to face that which scares me.

"Snowverkill"

2010-02-10T19:02:00.003-05:00

(I did not make up this name--but it makes me giggle.)

Oh goodness. On Friday, it started snowing. It didn't stop until Saturday afternoon and by the time it did, 20 inches had fallen on the Pittsburgh metro area. Yesterday afternoon, it started snowing again. It still hasn't stopped and we've gotten at least 5 inches on top of what we had.

What. The. Heck.

Growing up in the Southwest, snow meant maybe an hour of snow with barely any chance of it sticking. This is freaking nuts.

I missed work on Sunday because it was impossible to get out of my house. I took the bus to work on Monday and Tuesday without issue, fortunately. This morning, I waited outside for an hour in the blistering cold and a bus never came. I went back home to warm up and cry (I always cry when it's too cold to function!). Our associate director then came and took me to work. I still feel cold!

I'm trying my best to find some positivity in this situation, but it's hard. I'm not a cold person and have never been--the other two winters I've spent here as well as winter in Richmond were really hard for me. I love the spring and summer, perhaps because of my upbringing. I've realized that I just can't live here forever. I don't want to be 65 still trekking through crazing mountains of snow. Hopefully this year will be the craziest winter I'll ever see.

I have big dreams of moving somewhere warm soon. We plan to never return to Texas, but maybe we'll find ourselves somewhere much more western, like San Diego or somewhere in New Mexico. I can only hope--Kalem loves Pittsburgh so much!

There is some good coming out of this. Kalem has had the entire week off and is loving it. The house looks great and he's cooked dinner for me! A gal could get used to this.

My spirit lags in weather like this. I haven't worked out in forever and my body really feels the difference (I figure, trekking through snow that comes up to my knees should count, right?!). I haven't gotten on my yoga mat in far too long. I am not sleeping well and I'm struggling with my eating this week. I really hope that the city starts to melt soon so things can feel more normal.

In other aspects, I'm doing really well. I stood up for myself and my body today and it felt great. I love who I am and am so happy with learning to love my body in a healthier way. I've been reading up a storm (since I can't get to my internship in a borough completely across the city) and loving it. Kalem's wonderful, too. I love him so much. Though I'm cold and tired, I'm doing my best to be positive. :)

Happy IE Anniversary to Me!

2010-02-01T07:28:00.000-05:00

The first time I discovered Intuitive Eating was about two years ago. I first came across the book while wandering around the library, I think. I read about a quarter of it and said, "this is great! When I've lost all of the weight, this will be a great way to maintain!". With that, I returned the book and began yet another diet.

I decided to seriously follow the IE way of life six months ago today. I was in the throes of a low-sodium diet. I'd been at it for a few months with next to no success. I'd mentally chastisted myself for eating two servings of Triscuits rather than one and realized how crazy I was feeling.

I was hungry, so I ate! Is that wrong?!

I realized that even if I got down to 150 pounds (my goal weight at the time), I'd have to do this forever. And I just couldn't. NO MORE. I'd had it.

The IE concept came flooding back to me. I knew that this might not be right for me, but it was a start in the right direction. I bought the book with excitement and hope. Still, I was scared to stop dieting--it was all I'd known since I was 10. But I knew dieting wasn't working for me and never had. The more I dieted, the bigger I got, the more I hated myself. I wanted a new way to live.

Six months later, I haven't lost a pound (that I know of--the scale is no longer a part of my life), but feel worlds lighter. IE has truly changed my life. I have more confidence than ever before and though I'm not completely there, I feel happier with what I see in the mirror. I can look at my body with love and compassion. I know that IE has changed the way I eat, think, feel about myself, and move. I have so much peace and know that it can only get better from here!

Shooting the Breeze

2010-01-31T09:10:00.005-05:00

It's been ages since I've written. Not too much has been going on, but I am the busiest I've ever been. I plan to take the hubby's advice and write weekly at a certain time just to make sure I'm current. Now, on to the updates!

1. We started the spring semester on the 7th of January and so far it's going really well. Kalem is really interested from his classes and learning a lot. My class is incredibly easy and I'm really grateful. I know that I should wish to be challenged and enlightened, but I'm so overwhelmed that an easy class is a real joy right now.

2. I am getting even closer to finishing school! I'm so excited. I need to get my butt in gear and make sure to make all of my internship hours, but I know I can do it. It's so close! Kalem will either be graduating in December (with me) or May. I'm trying my best to make sure it's December, because I'm so tired of this craziness!

3. Work continues to go well. I am struggling with the "housability" of some clients, but I'm working hard at doing all that I can. I am more than ever aware that this is all I can do, especially if they're not willing to work on housing on their own, too. It's hard work sometimes, but I feel so rewarded almost every day. I'm so glad to be making a difference.

4. Let's see, what else? Kalem's car is still not back from the shop! There is a hope that it will be done by the end of next week. There is much more damage than was first assessed. I feel really grateful that all I had was whiplash--with all of the damage, I could have been really hurt.

5. My parents are coming to visit! I am so pumped. They will be here from March 3-9 and I cannot wait. I haven't seen them in forever and they've never been to Pittsburgh before. We are trying to decide what to do to entertain them. I know they love house projects, so maybe we'll all tackle the walk-in closet together. It's going to be a blast.

6. My intuitive eating is getting better. I went through a phase where I just did not care, but I'm better now. My therapist has been a treasure during this process. I'm learning more about myself daily.

That's all for now! I have more to say but work to do!

Food for Thought

2010-01-17T15:03:00.002-05:00

This is a hard entry for me to write. I've been eating intuitively for some time and have learned so much about myself in the process. I've gained so much.

I've been meeting with my therapist for about a month now. She's incredible and I feel will be really helpful in my healing. Part of my work with her involves a good amount of writing (I love CBT homework!). I am to fill out something called "Daily Binge Sheets". Any time I feel compelled to eat when I'm not hungry, I have to, among other things, describe what I'm feeling and thinking and write more adaptive thoughts. It's been really helpful in helping me understand what leads me to overeat.

I was resistant to this at first because the word "binge" scares me. In my mind, I was not a binger--sure I overate, but I did not do anything more maladaptive. However, there have been times that I've overeaten that were secretive and filled with shame. I have eaten enormous quantities of food during really stressful periods. I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

So, when I read the name on the sheet, I was offended. A binger? Not me!

Binge eating disorder can be characterized by:

■Eating large amounts of food (yes, at times)
■Eating even when you're full (yes)
■Eating rapidly during binge episodes (yes)
■Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control (not now, but I did before IE)
■Depression (I'm not sure. "Bummedness" at times, for sure)
■Anxiety (yes)
■Frequent dieting without weight loss (yes)
■Frequently eating alone (no)
■Hoarding food (no)
■Hiding empty food containers (no)
■Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating (yes)

I've never been officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder, but it would not be a surprise, especially if I had been a few years ago. It's terrifying to look at my eating this way, to be honest.

I'm glad that I've sought the help of a therapist. IE truly has helped, too. I'm prepared to do all of the work it takes to develop a healthy relationship with food. Knowing that I'm not alone helps.

Winter Yellows

2010-01-08T18:00:00.002-05:00

If you know me, you know that I hate cold weather. Ever since I left Texas almost 4 years ago (I can't believe it's been so long!), I have had a hard time with winter. The cold weather dampens my spirit and quiets my being. I often find myself saddened for days at a time as the long days go by with no hope of sunshine or warmth. The winter makes me feel so blah!

This afternoon, I tried a podcast yoga session for the first time. Elsie Escobar, the wonderful yoga instructor I met a few weeks ago, is gracious enough to provide these free of charge to all those wanting to use it. Silly me, I decided to do the first podcast visible on her blog (I love to work backwards!) and it was a Level 2 class. Yipes! I knew that my body would be sore afterwards, but after the stressful week I'd had at work, I was looking forward to a harder workout.

I ended up doing a practice titled "Vasuveda as Christmas Lights". Elsie has a delightful explanation on her blog, but to put it in a nutshell, we were encouraged to find the light inside of ourselves during the darkness of winter. We are to reach within and consciously bring the light out for the world.

With this intention in mind, I let myself really get into the session and it was TOUGH. Downward Dog is a real challenge for me and there was quite a bit of that pose. My shoulders are pretty sore! Still, it was a welcome session and I feel much clearer and welcoming of the weather. I must find a way to tap into my joy each day I feel my spirit clouding because of the freezing weather surrounding me.

I really feel Ms. Escobar is a fantastic instructor and highly recommend checking her out. In just the two classes I've had from her, I've learned valuable life lessons I will always carry with me. I also love how joyful her sessions are. I feel okay laughing at the silly way my body juts around when I'm in a pose I'm not used to. I love the buoyancy of working with her. It makes yoga even more approachable and exciting for me.

During this cold season, how will you find your light, your sunshine? It is something to think about, as there are at least two more months before spring comes around. Yellow symbolizes warmth, light, and bliss. I will do my best from now on to seek my yellow during this frozen season. I know that my joy is still here--I just have to reach deeper during this season!

Setting My Intentions for 2010

2010-01-03T13:47:00.001-05:00

I don't believe that resolutions work. I feel that, in the last ten years of so that I have made them, I may have accomplished five. Ha! However, with the turn of a new decade, I can't help but feel hopeful and excited to make big, positive changes in my life. So, I feel compelled to, rather than make resolutions, set intentions for this new year. I have so many dreams for this year!

I intend to never diet again.
I intend to practice more yoga.
I intend to avoid negative energy in my life.
I intend to try new recipes.
I intend to eat intuitively.
I intend to read and write more.
I intend to get my MSW.
I intend to have quality "me time".
I intend to spend more time with Kalem and those who are meaningful to me.
I intend to eat more whole foods.
I intend to spend more time outdoors.
I intend to take care of my health, whether by eating more mindfully or seeking medical health.

I may change my mind and make more specific goals, but for now, these will work. :). I am so excited for this year!

Accentuate the Positive: 2009 In Review

2010-01-02T16:12:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, everyone! I'm so thrilled that 2010 is here. Last year was bonkers and I'm ready for a new decade and new outlook.

As with the last three years, I want to take the time out to reflect on last year. I think the new year brings great opportunity to reflect and set intentions. The next blog will be my 2010 commitments, but for now I'd like to look back.

Last year, my resolutions were:

Lose at least 60 pounds. Ha! I didn't come close to reaching this goal. However, I couldn't be gladder that I did not. Realizing that diets did not work was just what I needed to make the final step to never dieting again. I'm so glad I'm an Intuitive Eater now.

Read (and buy) at least twelve Agatha Christie novels. Done, above and beyond!

Finish watching all of the Alfred Hitchcock movies. Not even close, for the second time in a row. I plan to try this one again.

Run in a 5K (probably Race for the Cure). Um, no. I am not a runner and I realize that now. My body craves and relishes gentler movement and I more than happy to save my poor knees.

Sew and knit at least 10 pieces. Sadly, no. But with the awesome sewing table my honey gave me for Christmas, I'm ready to get stitching!

Take up gardening and lawn care as a hobby (we have a lovely little lawn to take care of now!). Nope. We did a great job planting but were not great maintainers. Once this awful snow leaves, we'll be back out there with dedication!

Take a fun class at CCAC. No, but I did take a belly dance class at Dance Alloy, so I think this could count as met. :)

Read at least 25 books. More like 50-65, I think! :)

Stay committed to a "lifestyle change". Nope, nope, nope! Every time I said "lifestyle change", I meant diet. I obviously never stayed committed to one and I'm thrilled for it.

Make more of an effort to have "me time". I most definitely did. I now realize how important me time is and do all I can to have it when I need it.

So, I did not meet most of my resolutions and am okay with that. I do not believe in

Our couple resolutions were:
Find a couple hobby. Does desperately wishing we were done with school count? No? Okay. Well, we don't really have a hobby together yet, but we did more together in 2009 than anything. I suppose you could call playing video games together one.

Save at least $5,000. Ha! Well, I'm sure we saved over $5K during the course of the year, but at not one moment did we have that much squirrelled away. Still, we were very comfortable this year, with not much to show for it, sadly.

Try a new recipe at least once per paycheck. Um, no. It was a miracle for us to have dinner with one another more than once a week.

Go on a date once a month (a new place and/or activity each month). Nope. Most of the time, when we had a night together, all we wanted to do was camp out on our couch!

Find and photgraph at least 15 dinosaur statues in the city. Yeah, we didn't remember this resolution until the last week of December. Ha!

So, this year was not successful if you go by my failed resolutions! Still, the year wasn't all that bad. If you read my blog at all last year, you know that it was really hard/stressful for me. However, as part of my intentions for 2010 (as you'll read later), I am doing my best to focus on the positive. There are a lot of great things that happened, including:

We fell even further in love with our beautiful home.
I got my car!
We turned 25. Crazy!
We fell in love even more deeply.
I got in contact with my half-sisters, Hayden and Hannah, for the first time.
We went to our first pro football game.
I discovered and embraced Intuitive Eating.
I took a risk and got a new position at work.
I got a therapist.
I started yoga.

So, even though I was often sad and actually wept with joy when 2009 ended, good things happened, too. I'm determined to find the positive in every situation. With that said, I'm THRILLED to say hello to 2010!

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-23T10:41:00.000-05:00

I will not be blogging for a few days, so I wanted to take the time to wish you all a wonderful holiday season! I wish you all cherished time with your loved ones as we all take time to give thanks for the good things in our lives.

Ugh. Feelings.

2009-12-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

I had my first therapy session today with Mrs. Auble. I had first planned to meet with Dr. Somov, but it ended up not working out due to my crazy schedule. Fortunately, Mrs. Auble was able to meet me before the new year, something I really needed. I went to her office after work feeling rather nervous and unsure I should be there. She was really kind and warm and I feel she will be a good fit. Already she had me feeling things I didn't expect so soon! I have eaten terribly since coming home. Still, I know that this is what I need and that, one day, I will be able to feel without coping in a negative way.

In The Moment

2009-12-22T10:06:00.001-05:00

In my recently-discovered zest for yoga, I am in the process of finding the right studio for me. Last week, I tried Breathe Yoga and absolutely loved it. The only thing wrong with it is the distance from home--I know myself well enough to know that I need something close to stay dedicated. I went to Yoga Matrika last night and attended a class with a woman named Elsie Escobar.

I ignorantly thought that it might be an easier class when I noticed that of all of the people there, I was the youngest one. (Ha! I was so wrong!) I eagerly grabbed some blocks, a strap, and a blanket and sat on my mat until it was time to begin.

The instructor talked about being “in the moment” at the beginning of class–how so often we are too busy thinking about what’s coming to truly experience what is happening currently. This happens in my life constantly–anticipating the next weekend and not enjoying the week at hand, thinking about finally finishing with school and not enjoying the process of growing intellectually. But this can also be seen in yoga practice–thinking about what pose will come next and not fully engaging in the current pose. She then encouraged us to not think of future poses during the session and it was a really moving one for me.

The session really kicked my patoot! At the beginning, I was fully aware of the fact that I was nowhere near as flexible as the other class members. I felt frustration and annoyance with my body for not moving the way I wanted to. The instructor again mentioned not looking forward and I forced myself to push my insecurity aside. So many times when I was younger, I compared myself to others--my body, my brain, my worth. I felt these feelings of self-doubt creep up within me. Still, I remembered something I read about yoga--that I must treat my body with compassion and love and let it do what it can and nothing more. Once I did so, I had a wonderful session. I moved in ways I've never moved before. I'm so excited to use this way of thinking in other aspect of my life.

It was a really rigorous session and the teacher did not correct my form once except for moving my strap into the correct place during a pose. I would have benefitted from more feedback during the session; the instructor was much more attentive to her regular students. Regardless, I felt really moved during the session. I encountered some strong feelings and was able to accept them without eating, a really big thing for me! I have never been so sore in my life, either--I actually got sore during the session and felt my body start shutting down about 3/4 in. Still, I pushed through it and I'm so glad I did.

So, Yoga Matrika was really great but I'm not completely sure it's for me. I like that it's a smaller studio, but am open to trying other places, too. Elsie was a wonderful instructor--she was incredibly gracious, warm, and inviting. The other classmates were as well! I felt right at home the moment I walked in. It felt really wonderful there.

I will next be trying Schoolhouse Yoga. It's the closest studio to me. I'm loving yoga and cannot wait to see what good things it will do for my life. At this time in my life, I am learning a big lesson--focusing on being skinny and successful have really damaged my health and spirit. I'm committed to taking more interest in where I am right here, right now.

It's Just a Frog in My Throat

2009-12-20T20:11:00.004-05:00

On Saturday, Kalem and I went to see "The Princess and the Frog" and it was wonderful! I had been looking forward to seeing it for months--I'm thrilled that there is finally a Black Disney princess. I was a bit cautious because of its setting (early 20th century New Orleans), but it was absolutely lovely. The animation was gorgeous and immediately catapulted me to a younger self, mesmerized by the drawing style that dominated my childhood. The songs were catchy and story very cute. I really liked the characters as well; the villain and friends of the two main characters were adorable and funny. I highly recommend that it be seen.

It will never be my favorite Disney movie, but it may mean as much to me as some of them do. I had tears in my eyes as it started. When I was a young girl, I never had a white doll--my mother strongly believed in our playing with dolls that looked like us. Because of this, I never had Disney toys from all of the movies I loved. I had no Belle doll, no Ariel, no Aurora, while my friends played with them and wore the costumes. I know there were times I felt left out, but I understand and absolutely respect my mom's choice. I would have made the same.

I am thrilled that there is now a princess that little Black girls can call their own. There are even hair care products for Black girls that celebrate their beautiful tight coils! I wonder if it would have changed my childhood: would I have felt less strange about my (glorious) dark skin in a sea of white and Latina girls? (I hope a Latina princess is next!) I can only wonder.

What I do know is that if we ever have a daughter, we will watch this movie together. She will sit in my lap and we will dance and sing along to the jazzy music as she learns the value of hard work and that she, too, can be a princess, and not just to Kalem and I.

It's Official. 2009 is not my year.

2009-12-14T15:28:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning I got up and got ready for work. I looked out of the window and saw what I thought was a wet street from the rain. I stepped out of door, took the first step, and fell right on my fanny. I realized the stairs were covered with ice, not rain. I couldn't get back up because the railing was iced, so I slid down the stairs on my bum until I could stand up on the sidewalk. I slid to Kalem's car (I always drive his on Sunday mornings) and got in. I drove up to the corner of Whipple and Rose and tried to drive up the hill I normally do. I realized that I couldn't go very far and slowly let myself reverse in order to try going the other way. As I tried to turn around, another car at the top of the hill started sliding down the black ice and stopped by crashing head-on into mine.

Yesterday was the one of the most terrifying of my life. As the car came closer to me, I realized that I had no control over what was about to happen to me, just as the other driver did not. Fortunately, neither of us were hurt. The accident happened close enough to our house that I got to slide to it to awaken Kalem to help me deal with it and help me find my classes. The other driver was a really nice guy who has taken full blame for the accident. He spent two hours in our home waiting for the police to arrive (the traffic was that bad) and was a very nice man.

It turns out that we were two of the fortunate people in accidents yesterday. Saturday night, freezing rain covered Allegheny County's streets again and again. By the time most people got on the streets, they were incredibly hazardous. People died during this period, multi-car pileups were everywhere. It's been reported that 200 accidents occurred in a four-hour span. I'm truly grateful that we were both okay and still had functional cars afterwards.

I went to the hospital once our street was no longer blocked to get checked out because my neck and right shoulder were swollen and in pain. It turns out that I have whiplash that is now being treated by painkillers and heat. I'm so glad nothing's broken!

Kalem's car is in bad shape. There is about $6,000 worth of damage that is visible at this point--it may be more once they begin the work. I feel awful that it was his car that was involved. We're so much more attached to his than mine. I will be driving a rental until it is fixed (hopefully 1/1/10) and Kalem will be driving mine.

I feel really shaken up after this. I'm skittish about driving right now, though I'm sure I'll be fine soon. I keep questioning what I could have done to avoid this. I feel guilty about Kalem's car being the one damaged. I feel grateful that no one got seriously hurt from this. I feel especially fortunate to have such a supportive husband, parents, and friends. I am so, so blessed.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I have been fortunate to not have a lot of grief, but my health has really been affected. I'm done with not taking care of myself. I'm looking forward to having more gratitude and in my everyday life. I'm looking forward to 2010 and a fresh start.

We Love Whipple

2009-12-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

Our beautiful "crayon" home

We bought our beautiful home a year ago today! I can hardly believe it. When I first saw the house, I was absolutely in love. It took Kalem a few more trips and my gushing to see the light, but now he's head over heels for it, too. :). We have made many lovely memories and come to appreciate it more each day. Though I may speak often about wishing for a warmer climate, I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave this home. I love its every nook and cranny. I know that as we work to improve it, it will become even more of a treasure for us!

Um, WOW.

2009-12-11T14:30:00.003-05:00

No, this isn't me. If I did this, I would fall down.

Today I went to a yoga class at BYS Yoga in South Side Pittsburgh. I have been thinking about making yoga a major part of my physical activity but had not made the move to begin yet. I went to an "open" class this morning with a wonderful woman named Maggie. The Breathe Yoga Studio, according to its website, practices an eclectic mixture of hatha flow/vinyasa yoga.

I felt really excited on my way to my class. I really felt that this was going to be a great experience and it was.

Maggie was very encouraging and gentle. She corrected my form without judgment and brought blocks, straps, and blankets as my inflexible body needed it. The session was 1.5 hours long and I was drenched by the end of it, though it was not too active (I'm just not a big mover!). I have never moved my body that way before! I enjoyed feeling a real connection between my mind, body, and spirit. It was such a wonderful experience.

After the session, I spoke with Maggie about how I was hoping to integrate yoga into my life as I try to become a healthier, more grounded, more natural woman. She was incredibly encouraging and I felt very welcome.

I feel thrilled to incorporate this into my life. I'm already doing all I can do to learn about this practice. I know that yoga, therapy, and whole foods will help me heal from this trying period of my life.

Winter Blues

2009-12-10T19:49:00.001-05:00

I love Pittsburgh most of the time. It's so beautiful during the spring, summer, and fall. To be honest, it's not ugly now. BUT it is cold. Holy smokes, it's cold! I'm sitting in class and it's 20 degrees with a wind chill of 2. The low tonight is 13 with a windchill of -5. As much as I love the city, our home, and our life here, I temporarily forget about it all during this season.

I also get very sad. Not depressed like I can't get out of bed, but it takes a lot more to make me smile. I don't know if it's the lack of sunshine or maybe my numb toes. I feel sad that I don't live near my parents. I feel sad that my parents don't visit me. I feel sad that I wake up in the dark and it's dark when I'm done with work. I feel sad that it hurts to walk outside. I miss the warmth. I just feel sad.

I feel very lonely. I don't normally put myself out like this, but not using food to ignore my feelings means that they keep flowing out at a rapid pace. I miss my husband and friends. I miss having a best friend in the same city in which I live. I miss having time to do fun things.

Bah.

I needed to get that out because I'll be a bit of a pout until the sun comes back out. I'm doing my best to be as grateful as I can be for all of the wonderful good in my life. I will get the Christmas spirit soon. I just have to make sure to wear very thick socks. :).

Help!

2009-12-08T17:53:00.002-05:00

I hate asking for help. I like to think that I can take care of myself and get things done. I'm resistant to constructive feedback, gentle as it may be. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't like to be reminded of it. I'm good enough at making myself feel inadequate.

A few days ago, I think I hit my complete eating bottom. I found myself elbows-deep in a box of Oreos with no idea how I'd gotten there. I felt disgusted. I felt hopeless. I felt desperate. I felt DONE.

Yet I continued to overeat. I'd cried over what I'd done and then had FAST FOOD for dinner. (I know there are no "bad" foods in IE, but I try to stay away from it because of how it makes me feel.) "Why not?", I thought, "I've already hit my low, why not go as far as I can tonight. I'm done with this." My Last Supper mentality was in full effect.

You shouldn't be surprised that I overate the days following. But I've never been so aware of it. I think that this is a big step.

But, back to asking for help. I've decided not to be as passive in my recovery from compulsive eating. I took a "break" from active work when I got sick again for the umpteenth time in October. While it helped me by giving me time to rest my mind as well as my body, it did not IE any easier for me. I did not overeat as much as I used, but I did a lot of mindless eating. So, I've made a decision to be more active . I'm returning to the IE forum and am so excited about it--I've missed the support and understanding. I'm also seeking a therapist. When our schedules match up, I will be meeting with Dr. Pavel Somov, a therapist versed in mindful eating. I'm a bit nervous about having a male therapist but am eager to try this out. I'm thrilled that there is a therapist that is knowledgeable about this right in my own town! I feel cautious because the two therapists I've had in the past were not good fits. I know that therapy works but am anxious about the feelings that will surface.

I'm really excited about meeting with Dr. Somov. Filling out the intake form has already brought things up! Instead of withdrawing, I'm committed to being more open about my process. I'm looking forward to getting started and learning to love who I am.

Realizations While Listening To My Outdated Playlist and Doing a Puzzle

2009-12-03T21:18:00.001-05:00

If I had really listened to the lyrics of "Doo Wop (That Thing)" instead of just boogeying to it, I wouldn't have gotten in nearly so much trouble when I was younger.
I need to get more Maxwell music.
Why didn't Whitney Houston and Babyface do a duet? I love "Give You My Heart" and can't imagine what they could have done together.
It's no surprise that Stevie Wonder was named UN Ambassador of Peace. "Love's In Need of Love Today" is one of the reasons I'm becoming a social worker. He is the truth.
So much of my healing as a person has come about through music. At times, I may listen just to be entertained, but I'm always impressed by the way music can speak to me when I need it to.
I miss running. I loved turning on some fast-paced tunes and escaping for 30 minutes a day. I never feel that way with any other exercise.
I'd rather jam out to my music from the 90s than any new stuff that's out right now. Music used to have soul.
Puzzles are yet another thing Kalem and I can't do together. We started the 1,000-piece puzzle together and only got through the edges together. Now, I'm finishing it alone. I'm glad for this time to myself but wish we could find a hobby together that doesn't require a screen.
I need a break. Kalem and I talk about it all of the time, but I'm reaching a breaking point. If we can't do anything soon, I'm going to go to a hotel by myself for a few days.
It's getting really cold, so I have to start preparing for the gloom that sometimes hits me when I cease feeling my fingers. I hate winter, especially in Pittsburgh, but at this moment, I couldn't live anywhere else.
Laura Izibor will take the world by storm. She's so incredible.
Why don't more people love Jonny Lang?
Since starting IE, I've felt lighter but heavier at the same time. I'm thrilled that I'm not as driven by food, but having so many feelings at once sucks. It's going to be a real process to learn how to navigate through them. Doing puzzles gives me time to think while focusing on something positive.
Ah, that's where that piece goes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T13:01:00.004-05:00

I would never post an entry on a holiday due to spending time with my loved ones, but I'm at work and felt that this would be a great time to catch up. :) Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! I hope you're not at work like me!

Not too much has happened since I last blogged. Fortunately, I went to the doctor after work on Sunday and was told I have a cold rather than anything worse. Woohoo! I'm pretty much over it now and feel much, much better. I was so encouraged by having a minor cold that I was really aggressive in treating it and feel great now. I made the really hard decision not to work out and I actually think it helped. I know that sometimes exercise can help with getting healthier faster, but with my compromised immune system from being sick so much this year, I knew I needed the break. I'm looking forward to getting back with my Turbo Jam. I've also been thinking of trying yoga more. I used to do it more often, but it fell to the wayside. I know it would help with my stress level and lack of flexibility. So, I'll be looking into it. Another blogger and fellow IE-er, Christie, has got me hankering for it again. :)

We cooked all last night for Thanksgiving and I'm excited to get to it tonight. I'm a bit nervous about how I'm going to do as my first holiday as an intuitive eater. It surely didn't turn out well for Thanksgiving Eve! I'm most looking forward to the fresh veggies and stuffing. It should be really nice.

I'm grateful for so many things today. I think it's such a great practice to take time to remember how much good and beauty there is in my life. I thought I could make a list, but I'd be typing forever! I am most grateful for my husband, Kalem. He is such a blessing in my life. I'm so grateful, too, for my health, our home, our finances, and our loved ones. I'll stop now, because I'm grateful for so much more than this, too! :)

I'd write more, but work is actually crazy, sadly. Hope you're all having a great day!

Decisions, Decisions

2009-11-21T20:23:00.002-05:00

This has been a rather eventful week! Well, not really, but I've been doing a lot of thinking and it's been nice to have the opportunity to do so. I feel a lot more settled in myself right now and more focused on meeting my goals. You know I love lists, so here are some of the changes I've made:

School. Kalem will be changing from part-time (6 hours) to full-time (9 hours). This will enable him to graduate May 2011 rather than December 2011. This is great news because he'll finish sooner and still get to work full-time. He's planning to stay with the Brashear Association for a long, long time and will be glad to graduate earlier while doing so.

Where does that leave me? We can only afford for one of us to go full-time and decided for it to be Kalem. I will be staying part-time and graduating December 2010. I'm okay with this, though, for a lot of reasons. I'm completely bogged down at work and just don't know if I can take another class. I'm desperate for rest as it is (not that Kalem is any more relaxed!). Also, it will be nice to graduate at a closer time to Kalem so we can be on more of an even path. I am grateful for more of an opportunity to focus on my health and the house as well. I won't deny that I was disappointed at first, but it will work out for the best.

Work. I was asked by my supervisor a few days ago if I plan to stay at my organization after I get my MSW. I'm not entirely sure. I love my organization--what it stands for, who I work with, the benefits package. I've never had another "adult" job and can't imagine working anywhere else. Still, I'm not sure what will be available for me with this degree. People who work at WC&S stay a long time--all of the people in supervisory positions have been here forever. I know that it would be great for me to try a new environment and learn new skills. I also know what I want in a job as a social worker, so if I can't find it here, I will be looking elsewhere. This isn't actually a big/concrete decision, but I feel secure in the knowledge that I may be leaving WC&S for something new once I get licensed as a social worker in the spring of 2011.

Health. Oh, boy. I've been thinking a lot about my health and wellness this week! I just finished reading a fascinating book titled Health at Every Size that really spoke to me. It fits in with all of the IE principles, but also talks about the science behind the movement. I loved it. I've decided to start trying to eat more whole foods and making meat a smaller part of my diet. The latter effort won't be hard as I barely eat meat as it is, but eating whole foods will be a hard but welcome challenge. I love processed foods! I want to be more mindful of what I eat and the part it plays in the larger community. I want to eat more locally and with more gratitude for the food entering my body. I already love farmer's markets during the summer and will now start trying to buy most of our produce at the local co-op during the cold season. Though our yard is not quite ready to sustain produce, I'm sure we can get fresh fruits and vegetables in a local way. I'm really excited about this concept.

Yesterday, I woke up with a really sore throat. I'm starting to feel a lot better, but it's still bothersome. I'm forcing myself to go to the doctor right away because I don't want to be sick during the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm hoping it's nothing too drastic. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to have to be patient as my body heals from unhealthy ways I've treated it in the past. I'm sure that within the next year or so I'll start feeling really healthy. Fortunately, this throat thing hasn't knocked me on my back! I can tell my attitude has changed already because I didn't cry tears of frustration when I realized I was under the weather again.

I've also decided to focus on the simplest aspect of IE right now: eat what you want when hungry and stop when you're full. I thought seriously about moving forward through the principles but I think that for now, this is the best stage for me. I don't want to jump into some emotional work on myself so close to the holidays when it's easy to overeat without thought. I plan to get really started on working through the principles in the new year. I look forward to it with a bit of caution. It's hard enough just doing the bare bones--I can't imagine how anything else will work in me.

Kalem. Kalem and I are doing well. We rarely see each other and have made the decision to start getting a hotel room one night per month to reconnect and rest really well. I'm excited about this idea! We work really hard and I'm glad we'll have a chance to reward ourselves a bit.

I hope that you are all well! We are happy here in the Wright household. Thanksgiving is fast-approaching and I look forward to it. We'll be spending it with Raji and I think it will be a good time. I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving!

Long Time Coming

2009-11-14T21:49:00.005-05:00

Holy smokes, I've got to start blogging more often. I think I'm going to set a day to do it (like Kalem) so that there's more regularity. Anyhoo, to the updates!

The greatest news is that I am not sick! I feel pretty darn great right now. I had a wicked cold a few weeks ago, but since then, I've not felt under the weather. Thank the gods. This year has really been a doozy on my health and I'm hoping to find more balance from this point forward.

My intuitive eating has been going well. Even on days when I feel frustrated with focusing so much on my hunger, I realize that it's just what I need to be doing right now. I'm learning more patience with the process. I have been eating out of control for years, so I'm coming to terms with the fact that it will take years for me to get back on track. I'm also coming to terms with the idea that I may be what is deemed "overweight" for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that (I won't admit to being okay with possibly being obese. That's a work in progress.) But I want to be healthy at this size, too. I'm reading a great book right now called Health at Every Size that really goes well with the IE lifestyle. I like it a lot because it explains the research behind the theory rather than just saying "it works, trust me". I'm not very far into it, but I'm really liking it.

As far as exercise, I'm in love with Chalene Johnson again. How do I keep forgetting how amazing Turbo Jam is?! I'm trying to walk outside as much as I can, but my schedule rarely lets me, so it's nice to be able to do this fun workout. It's been kicking my butt because I'm so out of shape, but I love it.

School is fine. Due to the number of days off my teacher is allowing us to have, I only have two actual days in a classroom left this semester. Woohoo! This semester has been cake, but I will be glad when it's over. I'm just glad to be getting closer to graduating. I have been told that if I take an extra class, I can graduate in August rather than December! I'm really excited about the prospect, but have not made a real decision yet. Kalem will also be adding on an extra class. In doing so, he will be done May 2011 rather than December 2011. We're very excited! I think we're both really ready to be done with this. If I stay at my regular pace, though, we'll finish within five months of one another. So, we'll see. I need to make a decision soon. I'm glad to have the option.

Work is good as well. I never realized how much work it would entail! It's really busy here, but very rewarding. The work is hard because every client feels their situation is an emergency and housing needs never seem to end. Now that our transitional housing program has closed due to a lack of funding, I have the additional task of moving more women into new housing. It is not easy and probably the hardest part of my job right now. I'm sad to be working Sundays rather than Fridays, but am getting used to it. I think that about 1.5 year in this position will be enough while both Kalem and I finish school. It feels really good to have a job that I feel really lets me make a difference.

The house is lovely as always. After a year of paying out of the nose, we are pleased that both our gas bill and our mortgage payments have lowered. It will be great to have a little more cushion in the bank account. We have decided on a new paint color (Denim) and plan to paint and put together our walk-in closet before the new year. I am so ready to not have my clothes all over the second floor. It's going to be so cute and organized!

Kalem and I are doing well, though it's obvious that our lack of time together is a strain. Last week we celebrated seven years of knowing one another. I can't believe it's been that long. It seems like only yesterday that he was that cute boy across the room in English. I'm so glad he came into my life. I hope we can stay as connected as possible until we are finally both done with school and have our evenings back. I'm so ready for a steady schedule.

There's more to talk about, but I've got to get some sleep. I hope you are all well!

Sick and Tired

2009-10-29T15:14:00.003-04:00

Oh, boy. Since I last wrote, I've gotten sick again! I was feeling really great for about two weeks when I caught what I have now--a really bad viral infection that's attacking all of my systems (according to my doctor). I started feeling a sore throat on Sunday and by Tuesday night, it was full-blown. I went to the doctor yesterday and was told that I can't go back to work or my internship until Monday. I am so sad. I have no appetite, either. I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can't even work out because I'm really dehydrated! Blech.

On a good note, I'm glad that I don't have anything more intense than a viral infection (like piggy flu). This time, I'm not on antibiotics, so I'm glad for that! I feel better today than I did yesterday, so I'm feeling optimistic! The only great thing about being stuck at home (I'm so restless!) is how much "Murder, She Wrote" and reading time I have. Thanks to Allison, I've found a new love for Isabel Allende. She's another magical realist author and I can't get enough of her right now.

Otherwise, I've been well. Kalem and I have been spending a lot of time together, which has been nice. We went to Trax Farms last Saturday and had a great time picking a pumpkin and playing with the farm animals. We'd never done a corn maze and it was so much fun--though I did fall on my butt and got covered with mud! We came home that night and made chicken noodle soup with fresh ingredients from the farm and it was so lovely. We've been struggling with finding enough time to spend with each other and it's been really stressing me out. We're doing our best to work harder to have more quality time. I love him so much. He's been an absolute gem taking care of his poor sick wife, too. :).

Work is going wonderfully. I absolutely love my job! I can't gush about it more. Perhaps my only gripe is being constantly exposed to coughs and sniffles, but hopefully this will encourage me to work harder at staying healthy.

There's much more I could talk about (the transitional housing program at work, Lara and DeLynda's birthdays, my new love for Triscuits), but I'm tired. I'm going to lie down and try to rest some. Hopefully I'll be able to write more tomorrow!

In the Paint

2009-10-11T08:31:00.003-04:00

I had a great "weekend"! On Friday night, Kalem and I went to dinner and a movie with Lara and had a good time. Kalem and I wanted to see "Couples Retreat" because of my love for Vince Vaughn and the previews. It was okay--there were some funny parts but it dragged most of the time and had really corny "poignant" scenes. Nevertheless, it was a good time!

Yesterday, we tackled the walk-in closet (formerly a very small bedroom). We cleaned the walls and applied primer and Ultra White paint. We got special high-hiding primer because the previous owners of the house loved BRIGHT, BOLD colors (!) and we knew it would be difficult to cover it up. We did one coat of the white paint and I'm pretty sure we might have to do another. After doing the coat, Kalem started painting the trim Apple Green and we both don't love it! We're both a bit perplexed--we were so sure of our choice and somehow it just wasn't right once he started. I'm still confused by it. We both are not the biggest fans of the color green but thought it would be perfect for the house. So, we decided to stop for the day, clean up, and watch Project Runway while looking at paint colors. I think the day ended well. :). It was really great working on the house with Kalem and watching it improve immediately. We aren't going to be able to paint next weekend because of social plans, so we'll try to get back into it the weekend after. If we have a color by then! We're thinking of doing blue now, which makes a lot of sense--it's our favorite color and we can match it with almost everything. The fact that it is our favorite color is why we were actually avoiding it--we're trying not to have it all over the house. Right now, the only room that's decorated in blue is our bedroom, so it should be okay. Hopefully this decision process goes as smoothly as the last time!

On the health front, I feel worlds better than I did before! I have finished my hopefully-last round of antibiotics so my focus now is on preventing getting sick again. I still am having some sinus congestion but nothing like before. In fact, I didn't even take anything for it this morning! Things are really looking up. I've been taking my vitamins and fiber regularly and avoiding eating out. Today, I am beginning a trial of not eating fast food for the rest of the month. I really hate what it does to my body, so it should be okay. I actually don't even ever crave it, so it should not be too hard. Of course, if my body asks for it, I'll eat it, but I don't expect it to. I'm also making the goal of exercising every day for the rest of the month. I know it helps me feel better, so I'm excited to see what I feel like by November.

I spoke with my supervisor and was told that I cannot go to full-time for school because it would interfere with my work schedule. I was disappointed because I'd gotten my hopes up, but it's okay. So, 433 days left! I can make it! The semester is flying by at a really easy pace, fortunately.

Work is going well. I'm still struggling with having a split weekend, but it's only for three more weeks. I'm really going to try to get a traditional weekend off, though there's a chance it will be Fridays and Saturdays. For now, I'm trying to make the most out of having a weekday off. I'm getting a lot done on that day, which is nice because Kalem and I have more time to relax on Saturdays now.

Kalem and I are doing really well. I grow more in love with him daily. We have our struggles, but there's no one else I'd want to go through life with. He's truly my greatest joy. I'm so fortunate.

On Creation

2009-10-08T18:32:00.001-04:00

I have a friend named Lara. We met less than a year ago and even though we've not known each other long, we really click well. This may sound completely selfish, but one of the things I most appreciate is how much I've learned about myself just from knowing her. Today we got to hang out after two months of not seeing each other (even though we work in the same building, go figure!). Life has been busy/crazy for both of us, but we got a chance to grab lunch and catch up. I don't want to divulged too much on her part, but today she related a thought from something she's reading/working on: that because we were all created, we all have the ability to create. No one is "not creative"; we all are born with this innate trait but many "lose" it through time due to criticism and/or self-doubt.

This concept really struck me. I even said I'd have to write about it! It makes me wonder: what is your form of creativity? What is mine? I am fortunate to have creative people in my life. I have singers, musicians, poets, writers. Does creativity has to be a definite art? If I had to claim a form, I'd say that mine comes through the creation of dishes made with love and care or clothing made from delicious fabrics. But is that creation? All I'm doing is following directions and creating what's expected. It's an interesting thought.

I feel inspired to find more creative outlets for my life. I'm not exactly compelled to draw or anything, but perhaps more interested in finding more art and beauty in the daily activities of my life.

Residual Effects

2009-10-04T08:31:00.005-04:00

Greetings, readers! I've had a pretty sedate week, fortunately!

I went back to the doctor on Wednesday and was told that I have a viral infection on top of my sinus infection. I'm on antibiotics again in hopes that I'm back to "me" soon. I feel much better already! I feel that my eating intuitively and exercising has really helped me get back to a more regular state of being. I've also started incorporating probiotics into my life in hopes of combating what the antibiotics are doing to my immune system. I'm still pretty congested but less so than before. I'm really hoping that this is all over before winter is upon us. I've been walking more and have even come back to Turbo Jam (how I love it!). I've been having some trouble with my knee, though, so I may stick with walking just for now until my body is more used to exercise. Overall, I feel worlds better than I did a week ago!

Work continues to go well. I am loving working with the women in shelter on a more face-to-face basis and I love doing housing advocacy. I feel that I am developing a real passion for working with clients on their basic needs. It's so fundamental to any growth in one's life. The only sour note about my job right now is that I am working Sundays and my days off are Saturdays and Wednesdays. I'm having a really hard time with this because the only real time Kalem and I have together takes place on the weekends. Fortunately, this is only supposed to last for the month of October, so hopefully I'll have my weekends back in November. Still, I'm having a great time and learning so much as a Housing Advocate!

I'm struggling with a decision about trying to graduate early from my MSW program. Well, it wouldn't be early as I've been in this program for what feels like forever. I'm slated to finish December of next year if I continue to take six credits a semester. If I do nine hours instead, I could finish in August. There are a lot of reasons this would be great (I'm so tired of being in school, I'd be done in less than a year, I'm ready to start my career, I'm not being all that taxed with my course load so it wouldn't be that hard), but there are reasons it would be really difficult (I'm exhausted with the work/school/internship schedule already, I hardly see my husband now, I'd have not even one evening off for myself). Kalem will be supportive of any decision I make, but he feels I should just be patient and go more slowly, thus finishing in December. I'm not even sure if I'm able to change to full-time at this point of my schooling, so I'll be meeting with my advisor sometime this month to discuss it. The option of finishing earlier is incredibly enticing right now!

Kalem and I bought paint last night! I'm so flipping pumped. We are so ready to get rid of the crazy amount of colors in the house and have something brighter and more uniform. We are going to be painting the walls "Ultra White" and the trim "Apple Green". It's really funny that we chose green because we're both not actual fans of the color. However, it goes with all of the decorations we already have in the house as well as still pays tribute to "Pittsburgh green" (literally every house we visited during our search had the same forest green shade!). We also spoke to someone about fixing the cracks in the house--we have like a million all throughout the drywall. I'm mystified as to how they came to be. We now know how to fix it (joint compound and a lot of sanding), but it's an extremely daunting task. I'm pretty sure it will push our finishing the painting for at least a year (we'll be painting only a few hours a week due to our schedules). I'm trying to be patient and I know that with a lot of hard work, we can create the beautiful house of our dreams.

The hubs and I are doing well. We've both been struggling with not having enough time together and that's adding unnecessary stress to our time together (what a cycle). Still, love is alive and well with us. We're talking about taking a trip to Chicago during the Christmas season as a way to get away and see a new place. It will be really nice to reconnect soon. We see so little of each other. I'm so fortunate to have such a wonderful and supportive partner.

That's really all for now! Have a great week!

Happy Eating

2009-09-28T14:57:00.001-04:00

For lunch today, I had rice and gravy with cornbread. It was mm-mm-good! While eating, I felt an actual happiness. I couldn’t tell you the last time this happened. This wasn’t the false happiness that I used to think food brought me—not the kind of “happiness” that I thought food gave me when I ate to mask my emotions. It was simply food. It was powerful. This was simple pleasure in eating food that tasted good and nourished me. I used to fear getting hungry. Now I recognize it as a time to make my body hum.

Afterwards, I took a long walk until my lunch hour was up. Today started off gloomy—it was so dark and rainy. In the last hours, though, the sun has come out and it’s now a gorgeous early fall day. I put on some affirming music (my lady, India.Arie!) and strolled through the neighborhood. The wind was gusty and orange leaves floated on the breeze.

I didn’t think once about food or my weight. I gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the gorgeous scenery, my powerful body. I am making the goal to take time to give thanks for all of the goodness in my life every single day. It feels so so good to be grateful and gain perspective.

I know that this is not just IE making changes in my life, but I know that it is helping me become a happier, healthier person.

Losses and Gains

2009-09-26T22:21:00.008-04:00

It's been ages since I last wrote! So many things have been happening that have really kept me from being as active in my blogging.

I started my new position as a Housing Advocate a couple of weeks ago. I really am enjoying it! I feel that it's a really good fit for me and feel that, so far, I've enjoyed this position more than any other in the organization. I really prefer having a more extended interaction with clients and like trying to aid them secure a basic need. In addition to working on housing for shelter residents, I also work with those in our transitional housing program. It just feels so good. I think I'll have more of an opportunity to grow as an domestic violence advocate than I ever had before. The only low point I've experienced is that I now go to work an hour earlier than Kalem, so we aren't able to spend time with one another in the mornings. I really miss seeing him for that brief 30 minutes. On the flip side, though, getting up an hour early is doing wonderfully for my sleep--I'm always tuckered by bedtime now. Overall, though, I'm really happy with my position!

When I last wrote, I was feeling under the weather. Sadly, I still am. After about six weeks of feeling icky, I finally went to the doctor and was told I have a sinus infection. I've been taking the antibiotics but still am not fully back to normal. I think that I will have to go back soon because I do not feel well. I've felt real frustration in the fact that I still don't feel my best, but for now I'm focusing on eating intuitively and exercising daily in hope that my immune system gets back to normal. A few days ago, I finally came to the conclusion that the way I've been treating myself throughout the years has finally caught up with me. I have been incredibly lucky to have been so healthy while not taking care of of myself. Perhaps my body is telling me it's time to make sure to do so from now on. Actually, I know it is--among other indicators, the skin around my cuticles is really dry and now that I may be getting over the sinus infection, I feel a cold beginning. Well, I'm listening! Sadly, during most of this month, I did not, but I'm ready to now.

In addition to working on eating intuitively, I'm also reading a book called "The Rules of 'Normal' Eating". It's really good in that it well coincides with IE and there are a lot of bulleted lists (right up my alley!). I'm also thinking of trying to implement another form of medicine as I try to obtain optimal health. I'm looking into integrative medicine currently.

Other than my health and job, not too much is going on. School is fine--it should be a very easy semester, fortunately. I'm learning more about plus-size fashion and love dressing this big body well! Also, we're (okay, I'm) planning to start stripping the paint off of two of the wooden floors in the home. Who paints gorgeous hardwood floors? I plan to fix that very soon! After that, I plan to either start the project of converting one of our bedrooms into a walk-in closet or painting my "rec room". We'll see! I love doing home improvement and putting so much love and time to a house I love so dearly.

Well, it's fall now! I love autumns in Pittsburgh. I'm not looking forward to the bitter winter cold, but I am really enjoying the cooler weather and warm clothing. Things are well in the Wright home! :) I plan to start making sure to write at least once a week from now on!

Chavonne, Handy-Lady :)

2009-09-08T18:55:00.004-04:00

Kalem and I have been spending a lot of time lately talking about the changes that we want to make to the home. We plan to paint some time soon, but are not sure when we'll both be able to. I'm so excited about these changes, though, and can't wait to really get started. This weekend we changed the doorknobs/deadbolts of the front and back door. I'm not sure what we'll do next together, but I have plans to weed the back yard this weekend. I'm really looking to setting up our walk-in closet, too. We have this really handy neighbor who's always doing work on his home and I really aspire to be like him. Well, not just like him--he's a carpenter and I'll never be that skilled! :)

I've been doing really well. Work is the same, still--though I have a new position, I haven't begun to transition. I'm hoping that it's soon but am just not sure. I think that I'll have to be proactive to get things moving. I'm so ready for this change.

I started my first day of the fall semester last week. I think that the class will be fine, but I am really, really, REALLY ready to be done with school. I got really spoiled not having class for most of this summer and realized how much time I'm really giving to this program. I have 466 days left of school. I'm excited to be done with this semester because I'll only have one year left. Woohoo!

Other than that, not too much is going on. The hubs and I are enjoying one another as much as we can given how little time we have together now. We've also started a really difficult puzzle as well as a new video game: "Marvel Alliance". It's a lot of fun and I'm glad to have another way to bond with my hunny bunny.

I feel like fall is coming with a quickness now. As much as I hate the cold, I am really pumped for autumn. I love the food (man, am I craving pumpkin bread), the clothes, the holidays. I'm learning that there is no point complaining, because the bitter cold is coming. At least it makes me value the warmth when it returns!

I'm feeling a lot better today. I know that I still should go to the doctor, but the congestion is lessening and I'm sleeping better, thank goodness.

Oh, and football season begins on Thursday. Woooooohoooooooo! Let's go Steelers and Cowboys!

IE: A Month's Review

2009-09-08T18:46:00.011-04:00

Hello, lovelies! I know that it’s been a while since I’ve last written. I’ve been somewhat busy, but it’s mostly because I’ve been dealing with some health issues. Before I get into that, though, I’d like to review my experience with IE over the last month.

Last week, I completed one month as an Intuitive Eater. It was a really big decision for me to make and I am so glad that I did! I feel so much more self-confidence and peace. I’m no longer obsessing about my food choices and agonizing over every food label in my path. I feel so much calmer. A friend even said that I’ve been glowing since beginning this process. It feels great.

Because I’m such a beginner, I decided to do the Bare Bones basics: eat what I want when I want and stop when I’m full. Sounds easy, right? Wrong! I know that it will be someday, but I’ve struggled. It’s been years since I’ve not watched the clock to decide when to eat. I don’t know how to stop eating when I’m full. I normally eat until the plate is empty and/or I’m so full I might burst. So, it’s been a struggle. The only easy part? Eating what I want, of course! :) I think that the funniest thing is that now that I can eat Oreos when I please, I have no desire for them whatsoever. Go figure. The food I’m most delighted to be reunited with is rice and gravy. I used to eat it at least once a week and it’s been wonderful to do so again. Since my last (and final) diet involved watching my sodium, I’m still really sensitive to salt, and that has influenced what I want to eat, too.

One thing that I’ve made a resolution to do but have not done is getting rid of our scales. We have two scales—one super fancy thing that measures everything under the sun, and another that I always two pounds less on. To get rid of these is to work toward ditching the diet mentality. Since I haven’t really jumped into the principles yet, they’re stored somewhere I don’t frequently access. However, at the end of the first month, I decided to weigh myself to see how IE is affecting my weight. This was really wrong on my part. I have gained two pounds and my hubby has lost seven. This immediately sent me into diet mentality and it was really hard to resolve to still not diet. I realize now that the scales have got to go and that, at least for now, I will only find out my weight at doctor’s visits.

A few weeks ago, Kalem and I decided to start walking daily as a gentle way for all of us (pups included) to get exercise. Because of our crazy schedules, the only time that we can exercise outside together is the morning. We decided this about a week ago and have still yet to! We really, really, really loathe getting up any earlier than we must. It’s such a pain in the neck and we’re tired enough as it is. I have gotten up once and after I finished my grumbling, it was really lovely to be out in the brisk air, bettering my life. I plan to be more faithful to getting up early from now on.

Now, on to the biggest announcement. As far as health goes, I’ve had the hardest summer of my life! I first got the flu during our entire vacation (and wedding anniversary!), followed by my crazy local reaction to a tetanus shot (fondly referred to as “when my arm tried to fall off”), and now the cold that just won’t quit. This weekend, too, I couldn’t sleep before 6 in the morning. I am exhausted. I would love to wake up feeling fantastic. This is really odd for me because I normally have a fantastic immune system—I get one cold or flu a year and that’s it. I made the joke that my immune system is on summer vacation and now I’m starting to think I’m right. I just can’t feel completely well. So, I am resolving to gradually improve my immune system with the following steps:

Exercise daily through either walking or strength training
Take daily vitamins and birth control pill (I'm terrible about this and normally end up taking multiple days' worth at a time)
Working harder to honor my hunger and recognize my fullness
Sleeping at least six hours a night
Eating less fast food and more fruits and veggies (if that’s what my body wants!)
Finally going to the doctor about this nagging cough/sinus weirdness
Drinking at least 64 oz. of water daily

I’m excited about this new change. I’m determined to get back to normal as soon as possible.

Two-for-One

2009-09-08T17:30:00.002-04:00

The last time I blogged, I mentioned that I may be combining my blogs because I’m just not writing very much in either. So, for the month of September, I’ll be trying that out. I’m not sure if it’s a permanent change yet. I do think it’s a good idea, though—after all, my life’s not compartmentalized! I’ll start using tags to make it easier to navigate my blog, too. I will be only writing from there for now. We'll see how it goes!

P.S. If you want more information about my decision to become an Intuitive Eater, you can go here and here.

Movin' on Up

2009-08-27T20:50:00.002-04:00

I'm back, baby! It's been forever since I've written, so be prepared for a really long entry. I have a lot of catching up to do.

First of all, and probably most importantly, I have a new job. I had been feeling unhappy with my position at work and made the incredibly hard decision a few weeks ago to apply for a position that opened up in the Shelter of my same organization. I found out yesterday that I got it! I'll be working as the Housing advocate, so in addition to working in the Shelter office, my main focus will be working with residents to help them find housing before leaving. I'll work with clients in our transitional housing units as well as running a support group with them. I think I'll do more than that, but I'm just not sure yet. :). I'm not sure when I'll start--I have to be pulled out of my current position as well as the hotline before I'm completely "official". I am really, really excited about this position. I was so ready for a change and love the organization so very much, so I wasn't ready to leave it. It even pays more! It's just a great transition at this time of my life.

On the 13th, we (Kalem, Lara, Raji, and I) went to the Steelers-Cardinals preseason game. It was so great! The stadium was huge and so gorgeous. I realized how much I depend on commentary and instant replay to understand just what the heck is going on! I was a bit bored at times, but I enjoyed it. I can make it through most games, but it was super slow and a preseason game. I totally want to go to a "real" game now! Lara and I talked about a lot of non-football stuff and I felt like I had a great chance to know her better. I had so much fun and am a Steelers fan for sure now. :)

I've been under the weather for about a week now. For the last two weeks or so, I've been a bit congested and didn't do anything about it because I thought it was just allergies. This week, though, I've been feeling a bit worse. I haven't taken a full day off, so I feel my cold's just been moseying along, not decreasing. I'm feeling a lot better now, but am still battling some dizziness. Hopefully it will be over soon!

We're getting a furnace tomorrow! We have finally made the decision to pony up and pay for a furnace/AC unit tomorrow. This summer has been so mild that we haven't been too hot, but by the time winter comes, we'll need more efficient heating! We just can't handle the $350-375 monthly bill another winter. I hadn't planned on being home but because I'm not well, I'll be here. I'm excited for the savings it will afford us.

I just came to the end (somewhat) of the #1 Ladies Detective Agency series. The next book is set to publish in 2010 and I can't wait. They're not mental teasers, but are really adorable and the characters are a lot of fun!

That's really all that's going on with me (I guess I'm not so busy!). I'm strongly considering combining this and my health/wellness blog. I don't write very often and it just might make sense. We'll see!

I hope everyone is doing well!

113

2009-08-10T10:34:00.004-04:00

This weekend, I went bowling with the TBC (Tiffany Birthday Crew--yes, we have obnoxious names for everything!) at Arsenal Bowling Lanes. I mention the lanes because I really love that alley. We had a fun time. It's so great to have a chance to catch up with them and do something other than eat (well, we ate, but we did other things, too!). Even more exciting, I had the best bowling game of my life. There were a lot of things in my favor--an alley I love, great company, and the hippest bowling shoes I've ever seen: lime green and hot pink! For once, having big feet came in handy. Anyway, I ended up winning with a 113. Whoop! The next game I was back to my old, stinky self (a 67, I think!). It was a lot of fun.

This weekend, Kalem and I spent tons of time together and it was great. We watched movies, went for a walk with the pups, played games (both board and video), and talked. It was delightful. I love him so much and it's a blast to get to spend time with him.

I'm doing really well. I have fewer than 500 days left before I have an MSW! I'm so excited. I've been reading a lot and loving every minute of it. I've been doing my best to talk walks outside, but it's crazy hot, so I've been working out inside more than anything, which is fine. I'm super excited about the Steelers game on Thursday! I'm loving life. :)

The Beginning of the Affair

2009-08-03T10:29:00.004-04:00

Last Wednesday, I went to the "Christmas in July" fundraiser that took place for Kalem's employer, the Brashear Association. It was really cute--the traditional Christmas specials were playing on the big screens, there was a Santa (with Bermuda shorts!), and Christmas music was playing. The staff did a really great job and it was a great atmosphere. In addition to helping out with the raffle, I actually participated and won free tickets to the Steelers-Cardinals preseason game taking place on the 13th! I'm really excited about this! We never win anything, so we know we'll have a good time.

Last season, I watched more football than I ever have in my life. Even when Kalem was at Raji's watching games, I sometimes found myself watching games alone. Living in a city with a pro football team really leads one to get caught up in the frenzy! This town really loves the Steelers!

We bought Steeler shirts for the game because we didn't own anything yet. I'm beginning to think that I will become a really big fan by being in the atmosphere. It might be the beginning of my love affair with the Pittsburgh Steelers. :)

In other news, I'm doing fine! I'm really enjoying being done with school for the semester. I've been reading a lot and trying to sleep more. I've even been more sociable lately (including a birthday party for Sprout, Jen's beautiful son, and a game night with Lara and Raji). It's been a cool summer that's not been too crazy humid. I'm a happy gal!

I've also made a huge decision to change the way I feel about myself and food. I've blogged about it more extensively on my health/welness blog, but long story short, I've decided to become an Intuitive Eater. I'm really excited about this change for both Kalem and I.

Poor Poor Pitiful Fat Girl

2009-07-29T14:45:00.005-04:00

Be aware, this is a rant-filled entry! Also, I'll use the word fat, but it's not in a derogatory way. I'm really just mocking what they want us to think. And trust me, I'm including myself in that group!

Last night, "More to Love" premiered on Fox. It's touted as a dating show for the "rest of us". I knew I would hate this show. I was prepared to hate it. So, when it came on, I sat down and prepared to be mad.

And boy, was I.

I live to make lists, so here are my rants about the show:

The dude. The bachelor is a bigger guy--he's 6'3" and over 300 pounds. I think that people find love in all shapes and sizes. WHY can't these ladies find love with the type of guys seen on other dating shows? Can big girls not get guys with hot abs?!
The weights. Some of these gals are flipping gorgeous. They all were wearing gorgeous dresses and looked lovely. But any time one of the women is speaking to the camera, her weight is shown on the screen! What in the world?! You don't see that on other dating shows!
The obvious sadness. A number of these women were shown crying over how their weight has affected their not finding love. Um, what? I'm a fat woman who found love. If there are guys or ladies not giving these women attention because of their size, they're not right for them anyway! I'm not going to pretend that my size didn't affect who I dated when I was younger. We all have types. Let's not deny that. I just hate that they have to capitalize on these ladies' pain. We know that thinner people get more attention. Does there have to be a dating show to remind us?
The host. Why does she have to be a bigger woman, too?! Are skinny people afraid to come anywhere near this show?!
PROM. At the end of the show, we were told there was going to be a prom episode. You've got to be kidding me. Fat girls go to prom. Fat girls have sex. Fat girls look fabulous in prom gowns. It's insulting to insinuate that each woman needs to have a "real" prom...which isn't all that real when all of them have the same date! I'm not going to continue to compare my life to this, but I went to prom. I had a date for every fancy event in HS but one and that was by choice. I had lovers. I rock a pair of high heels. Don't give me that.
Worthiness. These women are worthy of love. A dating show is never someone's last chance. My heart ached for these women. But I was also upset by even more perpetuating of societal messages that people over a certain weight do not derserve love and affection and friendship. I'm wondering what we're supposed to feel as we watch this.

There was something good about the show that I really liked. One of the women said that she takes care of her body but just doesn't happen to be a size 4. Word! I think that as long as one is really working hard at being healthy--eating well and exercising, who cares if she's not a skinny minny?! Why should we buy into society's image of beauty? Down with sizism!

I'm actually starting to question why I'm so intent on getting to a certain weight. Shouldn't my focus be health more than anything? What does everyone think? How different would people feel about themselves if they ate what they were supposed to and exercised daily without being slaves to the scales? Would we love ourselves more? Would we stop caring so much what society thinks? More to the point, would I be more willing to wear a bathing suit?

So, long story short, this show is a bunch of crap. I don't know if I'll watch it again, because it makes me SO MAD. But it's definitely got me thinking.

Some other sites I've come across that have something to say about this ridiculous show:
http://www.feministing.com/archives/016946.html
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-07-27/really-big-love/full/
http://shrinkingsharon.blogspot.com/2009/07/fat-bachelor.html

Hot and Cold

2009-07-26T21:29:00.002-04:00

I've been fairly busy since I last blogged. Here are the basic high and low notes:

High notes:

I'm done with the summer semester! I don't have a day of class until the first week of September and I couldn't be more pleased. For the first time in at least two years, Kalem and I have a week night together. It's really nice to have this time together for the next few weeks.
I started the support group on Thursday. Shannon, the cofacilitator, did an incredible job. I think that the group went really well. It felt so wonderful being a part of a DV support group again. I really look forward to the next 9 weeks with these wonderful ladies.
Kalem is delightful. Love him so much!
Both my internship and work are going well.
My oldest childhood friend, Christie, gave birth to her second son, Adrian James, on the 19th. He's just as cute as his big brother Shane! I'm so excited for her beautiful family.
My friend Steph got married on the 10th! I'm so happy for them and wish them a lifetime of love and happiness.

Low notes:

My dad is having some health problems. I don't want to get into it in case it's not serious. The test results come back on the 3rd, so I'll update then. I'm really worried, but just don't want to talk about it yet.
There's some health stuff going on with my biological father as well. I'm not really up for talking about that, either. I'll talk about this later once I've sorted my feelings out a bit more.

So, overall, I've got a lot of heaviness on my heart, but life is really good. I'll start blogging more often now. I've been spending so much time on my weight loss blog, but there's more to life than that!

Super Great Weekend

2009-07-13T12:24:00.003-04:00

I had a really great weekend, probably one of the best in months! On Friday it was the Momster's birthday. I love her so much and wish I could have been there to celebrate. She's a beautiful and young 45 now.

Isn't she a babe? The pop's pretty good-looking, too. :)

That night, Kalem and I went to see "Bruno" (don't waste your money). Afterwards, we met up with Sadie and Dustin for the first dinner date in ages at P.F. Chang's. It was our first time and I really liked it. I had delicious crispy honey chicken with steamed brown rice. Delish. It's by no means authentic Asian food, but I knew that going in and loved it.

On Saturday, Kalem and Raji had a boy's night, so I had a much anticipated night at home alone. Woohoo! I worked out (so much fun, I know), watched movies, and read. It was lovely.

On Saturday, Kalem and I watched a movie ("The Negotiator"--SO good!) and cleaned. Later that day, I went to the co-op to get Jen's gift for our Brigade dinner. That place is crazy expensive, but I did find inexpensive grains I'd never seen before (so many different brown rices! Brown jasmine! Brown basmati! What bliss!). It was definitely an experience.

The Brigade met up at D's for burgers, dogs, and beers for Jen's birthday and had a great time. These ladies are so great. It doesn't happen often that we can meet up, but it's so nice when we can.

So, it was a great weekend. I wish I'd had more Kalem time, but it was nice to break out of our isolation a little bit. we both laughed about how hard it is to find time to hang out with others now--who would think it takes weeks to set up a dinner date? Adulthood is something else sometimes. :). I really love my life!

Sock It To Me

2009-07-08T15:38:00.004-04:00

On Monday, I found out that I will be starting a support group with an intern on the 23rd! I'm so excited! I really didn't think I would get to, so I went all the way to the top and asked the Executive Director. And it worked! I'm proud of myself for asserting myself and getting my needs met at work. Given how I'm feeling about this job, I need this group to keep me wanting to come in every day.

We had a really lovely holiday weekend. We didn't end up grilling but did get some delicious hot dogs and onion rings from D's Six Packs and Dogs. Delish. Later on that night we played Clue and Uno with Raji for hours. It was so much fun. It was a very nice and lazy summer day.

On Sunday, the pups turned 3 years old!

Matlock. This is "my" dog, even though he completely disowned me when Kalem and I got married. Still, he will cuddle with me if I let him.Kairi. We call her "Monkey" more than anything! She is a daddy's girl to the core.
Begging for snausages, I'm sure. I love these big-face pictures!

As much as I "pretend" to hate the dogs, they were are sweet little boogers. It feels like yesterday that we got them from Kalem's cousin. They were the tiniest, cutest things. It was fun celebrating on Sunday. We bought these awesome homemade chicken stew treats for them and took them for an exhaustingly-long walk through the beautiful Frick Park. They were wiped out and slept forever! We also gave them a new tennis ball dumbell toy. They love it. Happy birthday, puppy-wups!

Not much else is going on. My mama sent me the most incredible care package full of yummy treats that will help me stay on track with my lifestyle change. My parents are so great and supportive!

I'm having a very slow and steady week. I'm already ready for the weekend!

Long Time No Post!

2009-07-03T19:36:00.004-04:00

It's been forever! I've been pretty busy with school, work, and internship, but I think it's about time to catch y'all up. So, here goes!

Michael Jackson passed away on June 25, 2009. It was quite a big shock and I was more upset than I realized I would be. I've always been a fan of his work and now more than ever I'm reminded of how much so. A few nights ago, Kalem and I worked on our top 10 Michael Jackson songs and here's what I came up with:

1. Remember the Time

2. Billie Jean

3. P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)

4. Rock With You

5. Dirty Diana

6. Bad

7. Dangerous

8. Blame it On The Boogie

9. Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)

10. I Want You Back

It was really hard to narrow it down to ten! I really like so much of his work. Craig asked why "Thriller" wasn't on my list. I actually have never seen the whole video in its entirety because the first time I tried to watch it, it gave me nightmares for months! This picture comes from the "Remember the Time" video--it's my favorite music video in the whole world. Here it is in its entirety:

Oh, how I love this. I used to do the dance and everything when I was a kid!

Not too much has been going on. I'm just really busy. Work is fine. I had a moment of clarity about my job last week. I don't love my job anymore. I like it and the people that I work with, but I just don't feel that I'm making much of a difference anymore. I even applied for other jobs in this moment of clarity! I haven't heard anything yet and I'm okay with that. I appreciate the flexibility with time that my job affords me. I don't think I want to be here forever, but I think I'll be fine until I'm done with school next December. I really am enjoying my internship and wouldn't want to have to start another job that would affect my ability to complete it in time.

The weight loss efforts are going along well. I am not losing weight quickly, but the inches are coming off. My clothes are fitting looser and I feel much healthier. I had a few setbacks last week, but I am re-energized!

I thought that I had tons to talk about, but I guess not! Things are good and I'm busy. Kalem's a dream. I couldn't ask for much more!

Maybe Tetanus Would Feel Better

2009-06-23T09:04:00.006-04:00

Wow, have I been sick. Last Wednesday, I went to the doctor for my annual physical. As part of it, my PCP suggested I get a tetanus shot since it had been ages. I felt fine after I got it, except for the typical arm pain that comes with shots.

On Thursday, though, I got really sick. I had chills, a fever, and my arm was throbbing. I had a bump at least 1.5 inches big. I went to bed and slept fitfully and felt better upon waking. By the end of Friday, the bump had flattened and was a big "ridge" on my arm. It started covering more and more of my upper arm until it was five inches across and four inches tall. It was really swollen and tight and hot to the touch. It was red at first but is now a burgundy color. Through the weekend, I felt awful. On Sunday, when I realized that I could barely move my arm and I'd had a fever for four days, Kalem convinced me to go the doctor to get it checked out.

It turns out that I have a bacterial infection as a result of the tetanus shot. I was prescribed antibiotics and ibuprofen and my arm was put in a sling since it hurts so much to move it. I'm feeling a bit better now. The fever has finally broken. Yay! Also, the swelling in my arm is beginning to go down, though a part of it is darkening to a purplish color. I think I may be able to go to work by tomorrow or the day after.

Other than that, a lot has been going on. Two weeks ago, I became aware that layoffs were going to take place at work before the end of the month. I wasn't supposed to know, but gossip tends to spread quickly at work, so most of the employees knew. Because of funding problems, there just isn't enough money to keep everyone. Also, there will be layoffs in October, too. In addition, the Empowerment Center will only be doing needs assessments and support groups and no longer doing individual sessions as well, something that really pains a lot of us in the agency. It feels like such a big loss and it hurts that we can no longer offer that to our clients. Well, the official announcement from our executive director came on Friday during our bi-monthly staff meeting (I felt like crap, but really wanted to be there for that). It was a really sad meeting, you could cut the tension with a knife. But I really appreciated the strength our executive and associate director showed. It was obvious they were as affected as the rest of us are. I can't imagine having the make the decision to let people go.

I was visibly upset during the meeting (and I wasn't the only one), so the executive and associate director both found me at different times during the afternoon to let me know the funding situation for my department. Medical advocates are funded by a different funding stream. So, we're safe for now. I can't help but be relieved. I have been worried. My heart aches for those who will be let go.

On Wednesday, we had a really bad storm. There was a tornado warning for most of the time and it rained like crazy. I know that a tornado was sighted somewhere near the city. We had some flooding in our basement but all things considered, we fared much better than other areas of the county. We got about an inch or two of water in half of our basement. On Saturday we cleaned out the basement--threw out the carpeting and bleached the concrete floor. It smells really nice and clean down there now.

On Sunday, Kalem and I flexed our home improvement muscles (okay I flexed one and a half) and we sawed a queen-sized box spring in half in order to get it up our stairwell. Once we got it into the bedroom, we put it back together by screwing 2x4s into the frame. Actually, Kalem did most of the work while I sat on the floor, chattering. He's such a handyman! The bed looks great! It's so great having a bigger bed now. We were way too cramped in a full bed.

Lastly, I have decided to try a new vegetable every time we go grocery shopping. This time I bought a plantain. I've had them before and loved them, but had never prepared one myself. I fried the plantain and ate it with saffron rice. Delicious! Definitely a hit! I will be eating these much more often. I think my next will be a rutabaga because they look so interesting!

Today I plan to rest my arm and read. It should be a nice, relaxing day.

Family Ties

2009-06-17T12:25:00.002-04:00

A few months ago, my former stepmother got in contact with me and we chatted a little bit about my half-sisters, Hayden and Hannah. I've been in touch with them before, but we lost touch for a bit. Now, we're emailing and texting and it's been good. I think they're really great girls and am looking forward to getting close.

When I first started talking to them, I had a lot of difficulty. I haven't talked to my father (well, our father) for at least 13 years (I think it may be more, but I'm not sure). I had a lot of anger toward him growing up. I felt so unwanted. But, I got over it. Mr. Man is the best dad anyone could hope for. And he didn't have to accept me! But he did and I'm so grateful for it. I love him dearly and he means the world to me. He's even so great that he's taken Kalem as the son he never had. He's just incredible.

It feels so funny to read letters when they mention their dad. I really hope that they are having a better experience. I hope that, regardless of the choices they make, they feel loved and special. I was so bitter at first and I'm ashamed to say I took it out on them by not being willing to communicate. I think I've grown up since them. Nothing is in any way their fault.

After talking to Ruthie (my ex-stepmother) last night, I called my grandma to catch up. She talked about how sick my father is and that she really hopes that we can reconcile one day. We'll see. I am sad to hear he's ill and wish him the best but I'm not sure if that's in cards. I wonder if we'll ever see each other again. Maybe when the girls graduate from high school. I'm not going to worry about it now, though.

I can't help but wonder if I'm hoping that these new relationships are a second chance at having a close sibling relationship. My sister and I get along, but we've never been bosom buddies. Of course, that's not to say that that will happen as we get older.

I am not big on sharing my feelings. I've been thinking about this a lot lately but haven't really talked about it. I broke my isolation a bit when I told my group of girlfriends here what's going on. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I've gotten. I know that it's important to reach out when you want support, but it's hard and sometimes I feel ashamed of my feelings. I mean, I have a great life. Why should I worry about a relationship that's only purely biological now? I have great parents. I had a great childhood. I have a life where I'm happy, healthy, and loved. Now, I only help that I can be a positive, loving part of Hayden and Hannah's lives.

On another note, things are great. I haven't blogged much, I know. The weight loss efforts have been going wonderfully. I feel so healthy and strong. Work is...another blog topic for tomorrow. Life is great! :)

Eggsellent

2009-06-08T10:49:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to make an omelette for at least fifteen years. I just couldn't get it right and always ended up with scrambled eggs. But yesterday, I actually did it! I made a yumtastic omelette with cheddar cheese and spinach. Yummy! Kalem took a picture that I'll eventually upload to this entry.

I also tried something new by making my first risotto. I had some barley I wanted to use and ended up making a yummy barley risotto. I never realized how much work went into it. It's totally worth it, though, because it was delicious. I used sodium-free broth and it was still good! It's funny, before I never would have liked something like it. But it's great.

I had a really great weekend with the hubby-hoo. We ended up completing every thing we could in the Lego Batman game. It was a ton of fun and we're sad to end it. I know it sounds silly, but it really helped with our teamwork! I love him. I think we're going to play Lego Indiana Jones next. We didn't love it when we played before, but we are going to complete it before we move on to Lego Star Wars. Anyway, other than that, we watched movies and just hung out. I'm sure I monopolized too much of his time, but it was wonderful. This morning, we had breakfast on the patio furniture in the back yard before work. It was so nice. I really miss him during the week and it's nice to have quality time with him during our weekends.

Enough Already!

2009-06-07T10:15:00.005-04:00

Since I last wrote, my life has been pretty steady/great. No huge drama, not too much fuss. Just how I like it.

I have a new friend. I think--I use the word cautiously because it takes a lot for me to really get close to someone. No, that's not true--I usually get involved in a frantically intense relationship with someone I like, only to realize that I'm not as interested in being friends with them as I thought (and then slowly and sometimes painfully distancing myself). So, right now, I have a new close acquaintance. And I like her!

Her name is Lara. She's interning at Women's Center and is really nice. We kind of just hit it off after talking a few times and get along pretty well. As usual, I find myself telling her more about myself than I plan to, but I don't feel regretful afterwards. She's funny and sweet and really listens to me.

I'm doing my best to take it slow because I don't want to get my hopes up. Like I said, I've had a lot of really intense relationships (friend-like) that left me feeling really burned. I feel like I've reached a point of maturity in my life that I need to make serious decisions about who I really can trust.

It's funny, but sometimes I feel like I'm dating this woman. I keep saying things like "I'm taking it slow". After our first time having lunch, I actually felt giddy. I think that stems from the fact that I don't really have super-close friends in Pittsburgh and I feel this could be a close friendship. Don't get me wrong, I have a great group of women I hang out with outside of work, but...not like Craig or Laura or Surbhi, I suppose.

Anyway, she's great. :).

Other than that, I know I've mentioned that I've been trying to lose weight (what else is new?) and that I'd been considering weight loss surgery. Well, I've been working really hard and I no longer qualify for it! I feel incredible. This is the most serious I've ever felt about this. I have a weight loss blog going, but it's mostly to keep myself on track. I have a lot of weight to lose, but I'm so ready. I just can't wait/make excuses any longer.

Kalem and I are moving forward and getting a furnace and air conditioner. I don't want to pay for it, but I'll be glad to get our enormous/asbestos-laden dinosaur of a furnace out of our basement! It will also be really nice to have A/C in the house. It's fairly cool and tolerable right now (the nights are still actually cold!), but it's going to get hot and humid soon, I'm sure.

Today I don't have much planned. Once Kalem wakes, we have to clean the house and then I get to do my own thing (work out, wash my hair). It's been a really good weekend. We've hung out a lot and I love it. He's so wonderful and we really don't have much time together anymore. I can't wait until school's done so we get to do more.

Do You Know What Today Is?

2009-05-26T11:07:00.003-04:00

It's been a while! I went on vacation from the 15th-26th and it was wonderful. Boy, did I need it! I didn't do as much as I planned, though, because I came down with a wretched cold on the 18th. I rarely ever get sick, but this one was a doozy. I haven't been that (this?) sick in years! So, for about half of the week, I was laid up. I had planned to be much more productive, but it actually worked out all right because Kalem and I had just purchased Lego Batman (for XBox) and played that for hours. I'm not always into the games Kalem plays (they're way too hard to follow), but I love this game! The Lego video games are almost the only ones I'm willing to play with him. They're just so cute and easy, which I definitely need since I lack any hand-eye coordination. Other than that, I read a lot. It was bliss. I am on a real Christie kick so I quickly read about five of them last week. I just love her novels. Other than that, Kalem (who was also on vacation) and I went to the Phipps Conservatory and had a great time. It really made us want to get back home and work on our yard. We also went to a place called Color Me Mine and made gifts for one another. Kalem painted a beautiful mug for me that features a turtle, ladybug, and butterfly. So cute! I painted a soup mug consisting of very bad renditions of Matlock and Kairi as well as bone and paw print. It's not very pretty, but I hope he likes it. :). They are being fired and we can pick them up on Friday. I'm so excited! Let's see, what else did we do? We watched movies, Kalem read, I made a new shirt. It was a really, really nice break.

On Saturday, we rented a hotel room and relaxed before going to Robinson Township for dinner and just seeing the area. Kelly gave us a gift card to Carino's (our very favorite restaurant) and we had a delicious dinner. We really love hotels (and cable!), so it was nice to get away even if just for a night. We spent a little bit of time watching the Food Network and HGTV and got a lot of great meal and decorating ideas. We can't wait to try them out!

Why did we go to a hotel, you ask? Well, Sunday was our second anniversary! Yay! I can't believe we've already been married for two years. We both agreed that this last year was so much happier and drama-free than the first. I love him so much and am so happy to be his wife. I can't wait to see where the next year takes us.

I'm back at work now, but I feel awful. Janice is off today and I felt that I shouldn't call in sick after taking so much time off, but I am really tired and achy. I may have to take some time off to rest more. I think I may have a fever, too. Blech.

All in all, though, life is great and I'm a lucky, content gal!

Sew Excited

2009-05-12T17:59:00.004-04:00

A few years ago, my parents gave me a sewing machine as my personal wedding gift (Kalem got video game-related stuff, naturally). I loved this gift! She had recently taught me how to sew and I was ready to rejuvenate my wardrobe. Sadly, though, I haven't sewn too much. I first made a really full nightgown. It's my sewing dress now--I really can't sew without it on. I absolutely love how comfortable and cute and it is. Other than that, I've made a gorgeous red dress (that I can't fit...yet!), a salmon wrap shirt, a dark gray A-line dress with a belt that cinches under my bust, and a black shell tank. And nothing else! I have a burgundy shirt pinned out and waiting to be sewn. Other than that, I have really pretty sea foam green fabric (that I think will be a dress) and dark purple material (that I know will be a dress). I had been putting off sewing and wasn't sure why.

But I have been reawakened! I am so ready to sew! I came upon this fun website and the snappy dresser in me has been reborn! For I now plan to try to make something every pay period (since I will try to buy fabric/thread/zippers/etc. every time we do our grocery shopping). I think I can finish my shirt on Friday because it's a super easy pattern and the pieces are just sitting and ready to go. I'm hoping to also get my two dresses made during my vacation time. If I can't do both, I'll be done before all of my benefit time is done in July. I'm excited that I can keep myself current without breaking the bank. I don't know why I hadn't been sewing, because I've been really frustrated with wearing the same things again and again. My manner of dress has been getting much too frumby and boring. And I have so many great shoes just waiting for a fun outfit. So, be prepared to see pictures with each piece of clothing is produced! If I remember, I'll add pictures of what I've made so far, too.

I'm doing quite well. I'm really, really tired and miss my honey bunny, but things are really great. Class starts on Wednesday for me so I'll soon have a full view of how my weeks will look for the next year-and-a-half. My internship is great; I really like who I work with and what I'm learning about addiction work. Of course, now I'm thinking that D/A might be the field I want to work in after grad school! We'll see how I feel next December.

The weather is finally warming up a bit, thank goodness. We have a few things (dahlias, oregano, tomatoes) starting to sprout. Sadly, we have tons of weeds so we have to take that on next week. We're committed to not use any chemicals so it will be a lot of work, but it will worth it if we can have clean, delicious, healthy produce.

That's all for now! Tonight I plan to work out and make some din-din. I wish I had time to sew tonight, but I won't get home until about 8 after work.

As Luck Would Have It

2009-05-05T11:51:00.003-04:00

I worked from 6:45-2:00 yesterday and afterwards left to try to make it to my internship by 3. I say "try" because I have a constant fear of being late any time I have to take the Fort Pitt Bridge. When I had my interview for my internship a few weeks ago, it took me 1.5 hours to make it 7 miles. Anyway, I left at 2 and, as luck would have it, it only took 20 minutes! I think the big difference was in the lack of closeness to rush hour. In general, I will be leaving at 2:30 in order to make it to 4 and now I feel much more confident about the commute.

When I got there, I did all of the beginning paperwork and got a tour of the facility. Every one seems really nice. After reading charts, I got to observe the group I will be co-facilitating soon. I am really excited about this opportunity. I know nothing about addiction and look forward to learning so much. Also, now that I know it won't take ages to get there, I feel much happier about the location, too! These 15 months will be okay, I'm now sure.

While sitting in group today, I was reminded once again of how lucky I really am. I have not been affected by any of the "conditions" I work with. I have a great, safe marriage and I've never had any trouble with how much alcohol I use. I had a wonderful childhood. I'm just so blessed. Sometimes I feel like I don't want the heck I'm talking about given my background, but why on earth would I want to have that personal experience? I think that with education and supervision I can still be effective. I'm so glad for the life I've had.

Kalem and I are still suffering from separation anxiety. I just miss him so much! We met for lunch today with Dora at Emiliano's (Happy Cinco de Mayo! Sans alcohol, though). It was nice to take the time to see one another during the day. It's so rare for us. We may have to start doing that once a week so we don't feel too disconnected. Kalem has class today, so I'm working late today instead of tomorrow and then going to observe an AA meeting. It should be a good night.

As for more great news, I finally decided how to use all of my saved-up vacation time before the new fiscal year begins. In addition to Kalem and I taking the week of the 18th off, I will have three-day weekends until July 1. I am so pumped. Even though we won't be going anywhere, it will be nice to have that time to relax (or get more internship hours). I can't wait. I need a break.

That's all for now! Enjoy the day!

Missin' My Baby

2009-05-04T12:23:00.001-04:00

Yes, I took this title from a Selena song. :).

So, since, I last wrote, not too much has happened. That was the goal, so I'm quite pleased. Kalem and I were very focused on spending a lot of time together and being extremely lazy before I start my internship today. It's been really nice.

On Friday night, Kalem and I went to the symphony with Raji. Raji listens almost solely to classical music and has season tickets to the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra. Fortunately, we got to take advantage of a few extra tickets. It was a really nice experience. One of the pieces was terrible (a Mozart piano concerto, so I wasn't surprised--Mozart just isn't my cup of tea), but the rest was great. There was also a piece by Strauss titled Death and Transfiguration that was really interesting. I started listening to it assuming that it was about the death and transfiguration of Christ, but after it was over, I read it was about something quite different. So, I'm not sure what I think about it because I had the wrong thing in mind, I'll have to listen to it again. The last piece of the night (other than a Haydn encore) was Beethoven's Seventh Symphony. It was absolutely exquisite. The second and fourth movements were delicious. We had a really good night that also included "all right" food in an adorable Mexican restaurant. The quest for delicious Mexican food continues(!), but it was a really nice place.

Other than that, I spent most of the weekend (and the preceding week) reading up a storm and watching movies and/or series on DVD, all of which included in Angela Lansbury. Bliss.

Anyhoo, my internship starts today. I got to work at the ungodly time of 7 this morning and will work until 2. Then I will travel to Greentree for my internship from 3-9:30. Then I will trudge home, kiss Kalem, and fall into bed. I shouldn't be so melodramatic--this will only happen twice a week. And I am excited about where I will be interning. I will also have class from 5:30-9:45(!!!!!) on Wednesday nights. I can handle this, but I'm really sad about how little time Kalem and I will have with one another. At least he will have an internship, too, starting in June, so we can commiserate for about six months. I miss my bear already.

On a great note, we are taking eight days off this month to just enjoy one another and sleep! I can't wait to reconnect. Only two more weeks!

If this blog is all over the place and filled with grammatical errors, please forgive me. I've had very little sleep.

Blooming

2009-04-27T09:39:00.003-04:00

I have really been enjoying myself since the semester came to a close. It's marvelous coming home right after work and being able to relax and hang out with Kalem. So marvelous that I find myself asking if I still want to stay in the program. But I'm so close! I've come too far to stop now!

We are finally done with planting everything in the yard. We have tons of flowers and veggies growing (hopefully):

garlic
onions
potatoes
strawberries
tomatoes
dahlias (purplish and assorted colors)
roses (pink and yellow)
lilies (pink and yellow)
cucumbers
watermelon
cantaloupe
basil
parsley
lettuce
cilantro
tulips (pink)
hyacinth (purple)
green beans
peas
carrots
raspberries
blackberries
grapes
summer squash
spinach
okra

Other than that, we have a recently-seeded lawn that is quickly filling out. Also, there are some plants that were already established that we decided to let grow to see what they were. There is a butterfly bush (according to Kalem's mom and one of our neighbors), some pretty green shrubs, some things that we just aren't sure of (they're on the side of our neighbor's house, too, and really growing quickly...it's kind of like tulip leaves, but has no flowers yet?). BUT the best thing that is growing all on its own is a GORGEOUS flower bush. We think it's a hydrangea bush. It was pretty dormant and then bloomed over the course of about three days and it's huge. It has dark pink flowers and smells wonderful. So, our gardens are growing like crazy. I love it! I love going outside every morning and the birds are eating at the feeder and the dogs are running in circles like the lunatics that they are...it's bliss. I can't wait until our garden really comes to life.

We attempted grilling this weekend and after a horrible first attempt, we had delicious grilled veggies, hot dogs, and bratwurst. We feel like such homeowners! We even cleaned the gutters last weekend. Wow. I can't believe how grown up we are now.

The only crazy thing about all of this wonderful gardening and warmth is that we have about a hundred bees around the neighborhood. I have never had a lot of experience with bees (scorpions, yes! But never bees!). I have taken to sitting outside on the porch swing and reading (it doesn't get much better than that, really), but on Saturday, I had to come in after a while because my nerves couldn't take it! I was speaking to a woman about our butterfly bush and there were the fattest bumblebees flying around. While eating our BBQ yesterday (and watching a really great Celtics game), I counted 10 bees on our hydrangea bush. Yikes. I know they're great for helping our yard grow, but they scare me! I have learned to not freak out around them now; if I sit still, they leave me alone. I might as well get used to them, because they're here to stay! Still, I'm glad to know our garden is benefiting from them.

The weather has been glorious and I'm so grateful. I didn't think I could take another day of wearing a coat and closed-toe shoes. I may complain about Pittsburgh and its cold weather (a lot), but the spring makes it all worthwhile. I love living in a city with seasons and greenery. It's so beautiful this time of year.

Let's see, what else is going on? Oh, I think the internship question is taken care of. I had a great meeting at a drug/alcohol rehab program and I think I will be working with them. I've never worked in D/A at all and have no experience whatsoever with addiction work. Still, I think it would be a great experience and I really got along with the people I met. Plus, they're willing to work with my work schedule. So, it looks like a go! The only thing that is a real problem is the location in Greentree. It's 8 miles away from work and 10 from home. This really wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I have to go through the Fort Pitt Tunnel which is basically a nightmare. I had a meeting last week and it took me 1.5 hours to get 8 miles. At 3 in the afternoon! Yikes. However, I'll be leaving work at 2:30 to get there by 4, so I think I'll be okay, and I'll be leaving around 9:30 to get home. So, I think it will work out okay. I'm just looking forward to getting started and getting through it.

That's pretty much all that's been going on with me! I'm reading like crazy, sewing, and enjoying lazy spring evenings. It's wonderful! :)

Thank You For Being a Friend, Again

2009-04-25T22:20:00.000-04:00

Bea Arthur passed away today at the age of 86 from cancer. I am extremely saddened by her death. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love the Golden Girls (DeLynda once made fun of me for a week for calling the show "sublime"...but it really is). Dorothy has always been my favorite Girl. I just can't get enough of her. In addition to her playing Ms. Zbornak, she was phenomenal as Maude and absolutely hysterical as Vera Charles in the film version of "Mame".

She will be missed. I'm grateful for the laughs she's given and will continue to give.

Le Sigh

2009-04-16T09:54:00.004-04:00

Thank goodness. I turned in the biggest paper for the semester on Monday and now I can basically cruise to the end of the semester (only 4 days away!). It's been a brutal one, so I'm looking forward to the end of classes soon.

That also means that I am back to blogging! Not too much has been going on due to the craziness that is school, but I've been well.

I'm still on my period (TMI, I'm sure, but get over it). That's right. It's day 18. I may go crazy soon. My lady doctor said that I'm just going to have to ride it out and everything should straighten out by next week. That's the last time I try to manipulate my birth control to change my cycle. SO not worth it. Fortunately, the pain's gone, but I'm just tired ALL OF THE TIME. Blech.

Kalem is a dream. He's so great. I just love him to pieces. We're both really looking forward to our few weeks of freedom to relax, play games, watch movies, and clean our disgusting house. It will be bliss.

Sadie and Dustin are getting married in two days! So much wonderfulness. Kalem and I had a quick dinner with Sadie last night and it was great. They're such a fantastic couple. I couldn't be more pleased for them.

I am so burnt out at work right now. I have such a great job and have no reason to complain, but I need a break. I haven't used much vacation time this year, so I'm looking to do that soon. I just got my benefit sheet and I have 12 days to use by the end of June. Woohoo! I'm hesitant to use them, though, because I have nothing to do! Last year I used my time to visit my parents and go to VA Beach, but since we've recently bought the house, we don't want to spend anything really on extras until our savings account recovers a bit more. Hmm. I'm not sure what to do, but I am looking forward to having some time from work. I'll be a much better advocate if I have some time away.

I finally talked to my mama last night after 3 weeks. It was so great. I've missed her so much. I should call more often, but if I call, there's no way I'm getting off of the phone for at least two hours! Now that the semester's over we can keep in better contact.

I talked to someone from one of the hospitals that provides lap band surgery a few days ago. She called to let me know that I qualify for the surgery (hooray?) , but that I can't lose any weight before then. That just didn't sit well with me. How is it promoting healthy living when I'm encouraged to stay this big? I'm unsettled by this. I'll let you know of any other developments.

That's all. I didn't have much to say, but was just so pleased to be able to blog again! This weekend, I'm looking forward to gardening, reading, and finally sewing. It will be lovely!

Countdown

2009-04-07T15:22:00.005-04:00

I have been super busy, but am happy to take the time to give a few updates (anything to avoid work for a while!).

Kalem celebrated his 25th on the 31st. I think he enjoyed it--we ate too much, played games, slept in, and he hung out with Raji a ton. I am so grateful that we've gotten to experience our adulthood together. It's crazy to think about how young we were when we met and how much we've changed for the better. Happy belated, my love!

Speaking of Kalem, we are doing remarkably well. For the most part, we get along pretty well. But right now, it's even better. We've been spending tons of time together and I love it. I think we're trying to cram as much quality time in before we start our internships and it's been really enjoyable.

School is taking almost all of my time and energy. I have the craziest 13 days ahead of me, but after that I'm DONE (!)...until my internship begins the 3rd. I still haven't been assigned to an internship because of my work schedule. I talked to my advisor today who suggested that I do two overnight shifts during the week! He was none too pleased when I didn't gush with gratitude at the offer. I prefer my sanity, thank you very much.

I have been sickish for the last week or so. I'm sure that this is TMI, but it's been one of the worst "lady times" I've had in a while. I've been in so much pain. I laid ("Lay"? Whatever. See how ill I am?!) low for most of the weekend and took yesterday off and am starting to feel better. Hopefully I feel all better soon. I think my stress with school isn't helping with my convalescence, which may be why I end up in tears or doubled over in pain every time I start school work. Blech.

Wonderful news of upcoming nuptials! Our friends Sadie and Dustin (the couple that we double-date) are getting married! They got engaged about two weeks ago and are just so darn excited that they're getting married on the 18th! It was a big shock to their families, but they know that they want to be together for always and see no point in waiting. I completely understand that sentiment--we'd been together forever and if I'd known we'd end up getting married privately I never would have waited that long. We went over on Saturday for yummy fajitas and had a great time. They are just so cute and happy and in love. I love it! Congratulations to them!

Even more wedding delight! I just found out that my friend Steph and her boyfriend Tony are getting married as well! I am so excited for them both! I've never met Tony, but I know that for Steph to have picked him, he must be really incredible. Congratulations to Steph and Tony as well!

I had a great idea to write a whole blog entry titled "Adventures in Obesityland" or some such nonsense to talk about a weight loss surgery information session that I attended a few weeks ago. But I don't have time for that. I think that the weirdest thing was that, for the first time in my life, I was one of the smallest people in the room. It was actually really humbling--I realized that I'm really healthy for my weight. I mean, people were asking how the surgery would interfere with their dialysis and asking about if it's okay that they have all of the weight-related problems (diabetes, HBP, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, etc...none of which I have, fortunately). I actually got an ugly look from someone when I took the stairs rather than the elevator after the presentation. I'm still not sure. I don't feel it would be "real" weight loss. The average weight loss would be about 2 pounds a week, which is great! It would be faster with gastric bypass, but the lap band surgery would be safer and less invasive. At first I was really underwhelmed by the rate of weight loss, but it's faster than I'm losing now! So, for now, that's on the back burner and I'm going to keep working out and eating well and hopefully I'll see changes finally.

The spring has come and gone for a while. All of last week it was warm and gorgeous; when I woke up this morning, though, there was at least an inch of snow outside. It's blustery and yucky out there. Fortunately, I was too sick last weekend for us to plant our veggies and flowers; otherwise, they might have died (we do have some bulbs in a planter that we've moved to the garage until the weather comes back around). I'm so ready for spring to stick!

I realized that I never followed up on my vow to never drink again. Yeah, that lasted a week. I haven't gotten drunk since then, so that's nice! I don't drink all that much as it is, but now I drink even less. This came to mind because I went out with some girlfriends on Friday and had a great time. I'm so glad to have people I can really relate to here in the 'Burgh.

Sigh. I have to go to work now. I'll probably blog again this week if not just to escape for a while! :)

Spring!

2009-03-20T13:34:00.002-04:00

Hello, all! Happy first day of spring. Hallelujah! Warmth is coming! Of course, it's absolutely freezing today and I saw snow flurries earlier this afternoon. BUT the warmth is (slowly) on its way! :).

I actually wrote this entry to say I have recommitted to my weight loss. I'm excited and determined. I was a bad, bad girl during my birthday celebrations (that somehow lasted for a week?), but I'm back now.

I'm so excited to be going home in a few hours. Tonight I have big plans--stop at the market salad bar and make a delicious spinach salad, go home and eat that salad while watching the news and Jeopardy, do some laundry, work out, and watch a movie or read. It's a great, lovely, simple night for me. :).

Also, I just finished a delightful book titled The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. I highly recommend it. I always know how much I love a book by how hard it is for me to start something new. I have Emma sitting next to me now and I just can't bring myself to start it (or continue it, since I've done so at least 3 times before). For now, I'll read my Oprah magazine (I take a copy out from the library every once in a while) and start my book later tonight.

Happy Spring! :)

I Object!

2009-03-17T18:45:00.003-04:00

I am currently performing jury duty! I am so excited. Given my love of "Matlock" and other courtroom dramas, I've been looking forward to a summons since I first registered to vote. Yesterday I spent the day downtown for selection and ended up being assigned to a case. Of course, I can't say more, but I'm really excited to be a part of this process!

Kalem and Raji's good friend, Nick, is coming into town on Thursday. I'm really glad that the three of them will have a chance to hang out. It will be great to see him and I am happy to get a ton of "me time" this weekend.

I haven't been feeling my best lately, because I've been having sleeping problems. I'm not sure what's bringing it about. but I feel CRAZY. I'm so very tired. Hopefully, I'll get back into a solid sleeping schedule soon.

I feel the need to quickly talk about my birthday. It was great! I felt a little weird about it during the week before, but the day was lovely. I got taken to Lulu's Noodles (SO yummy!) by my sweet and got tons of calls, texts, and messages. I was really touched and grateful to know that so many people care for me enough to give well wishes. I have such a great life.

Kalem and I spent some of Sunday afternoon playing in the dirt. We are finally done with cleaning up all of the leaves and they are now composting. We also laid some lime to help raise the pH some before planting. It was so much fun. I love working on our yard! We are planting the weekend after next and I'm so thrilled! We also bought a bird feeder and now, in addition to other birds, we have seen two lovely cardinals in our yard. I love it. We have also been making efforts to cook meals with one another more often. We are enjoying the habit cooking healthy meals part of our time together.

I think that's all for now. I'm going to hang out with my honey and try to sleep. ¡Hasta!

Zumba Zoom

2009-03-10T10:52:00.002-04:00

It's officially been forever since I last blogged.

A few days ago, I came to the sobering realization that my internship starts in less than two months. While I'm glad that it's another step closer to finally being done with school, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. I'm just worried about keeping sane while working full-time, taking a class, and doing an internship for 16 hours a week. For 15 months! I mean, I'm exhausted thinking about it! But, it will all work out. I just have to work really hard on my time management skills. I'm not sure where my internship will be yet. Most likely, it will be at UPMC St. Margaret. I think it would be great because I'm really interested in hospital social work. However, I have to meet with our associate director to make sure I can change my schedule around because they need me to do some normal business hours, which means I'll have to do at least one super-long workday. I have a real interest in doing hospital social work once I get my degree, so I'm glad to get the experience. However, another interest has really been growing for me. For one of my classes, I'm doing a semester term paper of sorts (it's crazy long and we have to turn in parts of it as the semester progresses) about HIV prevention for young Black women. I've really enjoyed learning about HIV interventions. For part of the project, I had to do an interview. Yesterday morning, I met with a woman from the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force and I really felt it was a cause for which I could have a lot of passion and commitment. It's something to think about in the future. I'm not sure just what my niche is, but I'm sure I'll find it in time.

Last week, I tried Zumba for the first time (hence the name for the blog entry. It would have been much more relevant if I'd blogged when I'd thought up the title!). It was a lot of fun. I sweat like crazy and it was fun to do something rhythmic while burning off calories. I think I may try it again, because it really wore me out. I've been working out like crazy and when I weighed in last Friday morning (my normal weigh-in time), I hadn't lost any weight AGAIN. Plus, I'd gained inches, too. I know that it could be that I'm gaining muscle, blah, blah, blah, but this is so frustrating. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Also, my friend Allison sent some pictures of our group from various functions and I almost fainted when I saw how I look. How did I let myself get this big? Why did I think this was okay? I can't even remember what it feels like to look the way I did back in high school. I was devastated. So, I'm working hard on coming up with a way to change what I'm doing to make it more effective. This has gotten out of hand.

The weather is driving me bonkers. Last week was flipping cold, only to be followed by a gloriously warm Saturday, and now it's raining. Ugh. I need spring to get here as soon as possible! On Saturday, Kalem and I worked on the yard and it was so much fun! We picked up almost all of the leaves and doggy doo until it got dark and then went out to dinner with Raji. It was such a great day. I love being outside and working on making our home even more lovely. I can't wait to plant! Right now it's wet and cold and rainy. :(. It should be warm in a few weeks, though.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm not looking forward to it. However, I'm not not looking forward to it, so that's okay. I remember when I used to think my birthdays were national holidays and now it's a surprise if I actually take a day off for it anymore (which I'm not this year). I am going to be 25. Gasp, 25! I honestly can't believe it. I'm going to round up to 30. Ugh. I am really grateful that this birthday will be better than the last. I had a wretched 24th birthday. I feel like I've accomplished a lot in this year and I'm proud of myself. There are aspects of my life where I could be successful (i.e., not weighing a million pounds), but I have so much to be happy about--a great husband, a beautiful house that we actually own (!), a job I love, more progress in school, fantastic friends, and my wonderful family. Though I weigh more than I did when I turned 24, I have gained so much more than just poundage (Ha! I just made that up!). So, I'm excited to see where this year leads!

I had more to say when I started this entry, but can't seem to remember all of it. :). I'll write again when I do!

Buzz

2009-02-27T09:30:00.006-05:00

I am a busy, buzzing bee! So much has been going on! And yet, I'm pretty sure it will seem I haven't done much at all. :).

School is really crazy. I'm not saying it's hard, but it's the first time I've really had to make a lot of effort during this grad program (VCU was tough, but Pitt has generally been a breeze). I had a paper due on Monday that I feel like I worked forever on and still only finished 20 minutes before class. Still, it's done and I'm so glad! I also had a midterm yesterday that ended up being incredibly easy, thank goodness. Fortunately, the next two weeks should be easy because Spring Break is coming up. I have no plans but am so excited to go home right after work.

Belly dance has become such a joy to me. I've really had a blast going to class and learning how to move my body in fun, new ways. I'm going to a workshop this weekend and I can't wait! Apparently the teacher is really big here in Pittsburgh. After I'm done with school, I think I'll really get into it.

I've been feeling really "parents-sick" lately (Mr. Man says I can't say "homesick" anymore now that we're homeowners). I really hope I'll get to see them soon. Mom's talking about them coming up this summer to see the house (and us) and I can't wait! It will be great having them here. I wish that we lived closer. Sometimes it's so hard not being able to get in a car for a few hours to get to them. Hopefully we'll get to see them soon.

I think another reason that I'm itching to get to the Southwest is that it's still so flipping cold here. I crave sunshine right now like I normally crave brownies. :). I cannot wait for spring. One good thing about the wait is that it's always so rewarding. Pittsburgh has a long and beautiful spring where everything is so green and fresh. I can't wait. We are planting our berries and roses next weekend because we're supposed to do so before the last frost (which, according to the Farmer's Almanac, should be the 25th). We're also planning to finally rake up all of the leaves and clear out the yard, too. I can't wait to go play out in the dirt!

I'm thinking of starting to run again! There are tons of people running everyday while I driving and I'm jealous! I'm not sure if I want to wait a while until I weigh less. I loved it when I did it before. We'll see. I'm taking a Zumba class next week just to see what all the hoopla is about. I'm really excited about it; it seems really fun. My weight loss efforts have been going well, though I didn't lose one freaking pound this week. I'm actually okay with it, though, because I'm tightening up! My waist and hips are actually getting smaller. I'm thrilled!

I have the baby buzz right now. Last weekend, when Kalem was installing our microwave, our neighbor Gannon brought our his adorable 6-month-old son, Gianni and I played with him while they worked on it. He was just so sweet. He looks like a Cabbage Patch doll and is so happy and giggly. I was just enamored. It was strange having such one-on-on time with a baby. I thought a lot about where I would have been if I'd had a child already and felt guilt for a while. Fortunately, Kalem was so supportive and reminded me how proud he is of my choice. Kalem and I have talked a lot about kids lately, but we're sure we don't want to have any right now. Honestly, we're not even sure we want kids. If we do make that decison, we want to be out of school with a bit more stability in our income. For now, we're perfectly happy spoiling other friends' kids!

We have a really busy weekend planned full of tons of errands and a couple of get-togethers. Really, all I want to do is sleep, but if we let anything lag I won't get to have as much play time outside next weekend in our yard. :). I sound completely boring. But, it's a great life!

Stephenie the Genius

2009-02-19T10:19:00.002-05:00

My wonderful friend Steph has been published and has first authorship! I'm not got to even pretend that I understand any of what I read, but I am so excited! You can find stories about the findings from her paper, which has been picked up by several popular press news sources, including the two found here and here.

Stephenie works so incredibly hard and I am thrilled that her work is being recognized in this way. Kudos, Steph!

Green

2009-02-15T23:02:00.002-05:00

Happy belated Valentine's, dears! Kalem and I don't celebrate, but we had a really great one. We don't really see the point in celebrating our love on the same day as everyone else; instead, we focus more on days that have more meaning for us. After hanging out watching movies all day, we had Sadie and Dustin for our second double date. It was so much fun! We made tacos, played Scene It, and ate a delightfully unhealthy Coldstone cake. Wonderful. Yes, I ruined my diet for the day and have to be super-strict to lose any weight this week, but it was worth it. Our date would have lasted longer, but I think we were all in a "sugar coma" and ready to go to bed immediately. We are so excited to have couple friends. So, we had a lovely February 14th that just happened to be a holiday. :).

On Friday, we took Raji out for drinks for his 25th birthday. We had a pretty good time and one thing I think I've decided from that good time is that I'm done drinking. Now, I'm not a big drinker at all and very rarely get drunk if I do. I was plastered Friday night! But, Saturday morning, while nursing a monstrous headache and overwhelming nausea, I told Kalem I was done with it. I have a number of reasons:

Drinking is expensive! It wasn't a problem when I lived in Lubbock and drinks were dirt-cheap, but now there's a drink tax and drinks cost a fortune. Plus, now that I'm married, I have to pay for them! It was much better when I was single and cute and men bought me drinks or when I was dating Kalem and he took me out to dinner. But now, it's just cutting into our checking account. No thanks.
I hate the feeling of not being in control. I don't like who I become when I'm drunk at all. So, I've decided to keep my wits about me as much as I can. Also, I'm always embarassed when Kalem has to pick me up after a crazy night out.
Empty calories. I have a hard enough time watching what I consume without drinking calorie-laden drinks that provide no nutrition whatsoever!
I don't really like the taste of most liquor or wine. I hate beer, but I do like a mixed drink. I can't drink unless the cocktail tastes like Kool-Aid. That comes back to empty calories. I'll stick to my water, tea, and juice, I think.
The after-effects aren't worth it. I felt like hell Saturday morning.

We have tons of liquor and wine in the house left over from our New Year's party (which hasn't been touched by that night). We have a friend's dinner party coming up, so maybe that will be our contribution rather than a gift. Kalem doesn't drink at all, so there's no point having it here anyway. So, I'm done with it!

On another completely unrelated note, Kalem and I had a wild and crazy (okay, not really) time at Lowe's today. This place is seriously our toy store now. I've been doing a lot of reading about organic gardening (I really love that we're composting and want to keep that earth-friendly them going. Plus, the veggies are just worlds better!) and we went and bought grass seed and some gardening tools. It's way too cold to do much now, but we are really excited to get started as soon as we can. In a few weeks, we're going to plant our rose bushes and then wait until spring comes so we can plant everything else. This is so much fun!

This was a mostly pointless entry, but I'm thrilled to be doing it instead of the paper that I desperately need to get started on. Now, it's late enough for me to realistically say it's too late to get into it. Instead I'm going to tuck into Vanity Fair until I fall asleep. 'Night!

Whoosh

2009-02-08T11:53:00.007-05:00

So much is going on! On Wednesday, I went to my first belly dancing class at the Dance Alloy Academy. I LOVED it. I'd forgotten how much I'd loved it before. I felt like a goddess, so strong and sexy. I think that once I'm done with school, I really want to get into it--take more weekly classes, learn all I can. I love belly dancing!

On Friday night, I got a new laptop! It's a white Sony VAIO (I decided on white so I could pretend it's a Macbook--one day I'll be willing to pay so much for one!) and it's so cute. I absolutely love it. We had to say goodbye to Compadre 2 (or 3?) because it would have cost more to fix it than replace it. Fortunately, the repair man is able to save all of my files. I don't have a name for it yet (or even a gender!). All of my computers have been Spanish-language "friends" of some sort ("Amigo" or "Compadre"), so I'm sure it will be along that line. Anyhoo, I love it!

Yesterday, I got a car! We have been talking (arguing) about getting one for about two months now and we finally decided to go ahead with it. It will be easier to get to/from work without leaving home an hour early. We went to a few dealerships in the West End of Pittsburgh (where we'd never been before!) and I now have Blanche Devereaux Wright:

(This isn't her, but she basically looks like it.)If you just questioned if I named her after Blanche from the Golden Girls, you're right. I knew I'd name her after one of the girls (not Sophia, because our other car has that as a middle name), but I wasn't sure which one. I've never owned a maroon car before, and I felt red was sassy, just like Blanche. :). We got her for a really good deal and were fortunate enough to be able to pay cash. We just can't swing another car payment. She's very comfortable, cute, and easy to drive. I'm so grateful to have her!

Needless to say, I am not getting any more gifts until 2010. :). I'm completely fine with that, because way too much money was spent on me in this weekend alone. Well, my last gift will actually be India.Arie's new album, which releases on Tuesday. If you've known me longer than a week, you know I adore India.Arie. My old friend Tessa introduced me in high school and I was hooked. I love her voice, her words, her soul. Her last album, Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship, literally changed my life. That album carried me through one of the darkest times of my life; I listened to the CD constantly when trying to decide who I was and what I wanted in my life. While listening to "I Choose" and "This Too Shall Pass" during a excruciatingly long road trip, things just began to make sense in my life. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I don't know if I would be where I am now without those words. Her other two albums have spoken to me as well--nothing expresses how Kalem exists for me better than her second album; Voyage to India has some of the most loving lyrics I've ever heard. Her first album, Acoustic Soul, is a soulful exercise in self-discovery and celebration. I could go on forever. Her works means that much to me. If you've never heard of her, I highly recommend giving her a try. Well, on Tuesday, Testimony: Vol. 2, Love & Politics releases. She released most of the album on her Myspace page this week and it is absolutely dreadful. I mean, I almost cried listening to it (and not from joy). I'm not sure if it's the buildup (it's been almost three years!) and the insight she's given me in the past that leads to my displeasure with this album, but it's really bad. I like two songs (well, more like 1.5) and there's a chance one more will grow on me, but it's SO bad! Blech. I'm so hurt. Even so, I'll buy it and hope some wonderful song hasn't been made public that will remind me of why I love her. After that, I will not get any more gifts this year. :). We've also decided to forgo our vacation since we got the car in order to shore up our savings account this year. We're both sad about it but understand why we must. We really want to have a little more security especially given what's happening in the economy.

I don't talk much about my weight loss efforts on this blog, but I weighed in on Friday and lost 4 pounds this week! I know that's a lot at once, but I'm not worried, because I lost one whole pound during the month of January. So, I'm hoping that things will go a little more smoothly for a while. I feel so much more energetic and self-confident!

The most important thing that happened this weekend is that Kalem and I have had a real turnaround. We went to dinner with Raji last night (to celebrate his 25th birthday coming up on Tuesday) and while walking across the street, a car came barreling toward me with no intention of stopping. I didn't even realize what was happening until Kalem started yelling. I had to move so fast to be out of the car's way that I wrenched my ankle. We were all really shaken. Both of us said it reminded us of what's important and how stupid we've been fighting over nothing. We are so much more grateful of one another and are taking time to talk. It feels really good to be back. I've missed us.

Well, for now, I'm off to do the homework I've put off by blogging. It's wonderfully sunny here (for the first time in months, I can see the ground!) and I hope it is where you are, too. Have a lovely Sunday.

Sixburgh

2009-02-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

Last night, the Pittsburgh Steelers won the 43rd Super Bowl. They are the first NFL team to win 6 Super Bowls!

Now, I don't watch a lot of football, but if every game were like this one, I would be hooked. This was the first Super Bowl I've actually watched (I normally don't even tune in for the commercials). It was a tough, back-and-forth contest that kept me on the edge of my seat. The Cardinals played incredibly well (Fitzgerald is phenomenal) and made a valiant effort.

Needless to say, the city is thrilled! It's a great day to be a Pittsburgher (and blossoming football fan)!

Much Better

2009-02-01T11:01:00.001-05:00

Since I last blogged, things have gotten somewhat better. On Friday night, I went to the movies and saw "Slumdog Millionaire". I LOVED it! I completely recommend it! I loved the story and cinematography. The soundtrack is killer, too. I now completely understand why it's up for and has received so many awards. Go see it!

AfterI got home, I filed our taxes and then went to bed. Kalem and I talked a little bit but not too much. I think it was best. Yesterday morning we argued more (about the car, of course) and cleaned the house. We haven't reached a resolution, but I am taking the car every day now. I've gone for a year without being able to, so I think it's my turn. I also think this will show him how hard it is to be stranded everywhere. See how smart I am? :).

I went out last night with the Brigade and had a great time. I'm always so grateful when I'm out with my ladies because they keep me so grounded and joyful. It was great to vent and drink and eat and laugh far too loudly. Good times.

This morning I haven't done too much. Kalem and I are getting better now. I'm working on some homework before the game starts. I don't really care for football (well, past the first 30 minutes of the game), but I am really swept up in this Steelers craze. The town is SO excited. The local news has been doing Super Bowl coverage for three hours already (and that's before the 7-hour pregame show)! Crazy. I hope it's a great game. Go Steelers!

Annoyed

2009-01-30T10:49:00.003-05:00

I never thought I'd say this so soon after moving to our house, but we need a second car. Now that we live in Swissvale, we both work about 30 minutes away from our workplaces (45 for Kalem since he drops me off first). We don't get up early enough for both of us to get to work on time (though we could work on this, I know). really, the main reason I want a second car is that I am sick of sharing a car. Well, not sharing--making sure to completely base my schedule on Kalem's use of the car. It's not fair and I'm sick of feeling like I have to ask permission to take the car. So, with that said, we're getting a second car. Kalem isn't completely sure about this (until now!), but I am filing taxes this weekend and, depending on what we get back (or owe), I'll be looking to get another one this week.

Kalem and I have been arguing a lot lately. It's always about the same things: I want alone time, Kalem smothers me. We're too sensitive to each other's tone of voice. Kalem needs to spend time with me, I don't make enough of an effort. Kalem doesn't listen to anything I say and I'm sick of repeating it again and again. I always make Kalem feel like he's in trouble for something. Kalem is tired of my moodiness. Blah blah blah.

Anyway. I'm just annoyed right now. I don't have anything to say to him or him to me, as far I know. I'm not asking for relationship advice, to those of you who were thinking of giving some. I just need to vent.

Other than that, things are good. :). I've been sleeping well, eating right, and exercising, so I feel great physically. I'm finally back in the rhythm of juggling school and work. I've been reading a ton (though I haven't posted a review in quite some time!). I feel mostly good, even if I can't talk to my partner about it.

Double the Fun!

2009-01-26T12:53:00.003-05:00

Saturday night, Kalem and I went to dinner with Sadie and Dustin. I work with Sadie and Dustin is her boyfriend. We'd met (as two couples) at our New Year's Eve party and really hit it off. We've never had a couple to double with so we decided to give it a try and it was great! We sat for hours after dinner and it was fantastic. I'm so excited about having some new friends to hang out with. The next time we meet up, they're coming over for tacos and Scene It. Can't wait!

I had a really busy weekend. I let a homework assignment get away from me and had to scramble to get it (and 1,000 other things) done. To top it off, I couldn't get to sleep before 4 Saturday night, so I'm weird and achy now. Fortunately, mostly everything got done!

Speaking of Scene It, Raji bought us the game as a housewarming gift and the three of us played it for the first time last night. If you haven't played it, I really recommend it! I was horrible, but it was still a good time. I really want to get the Disney version now--I'd be all over those movies!

Things have been pretty good. We bought a compost bin and assembled it yesterday. I am so excited about having a lawn and garden for the first time (well, where it actually rains and things can grow)! I can't wait to plant the lily bulbs Kelly sent us. We are still trying to find a couple hobby and are thinking that this may be it.

I am starting a belly dancing class this week and I can't wait! I took a class in Houston a few years ago and loved it. It's a super sexy and fun way to exercise and will be a great stress reliever and past-time.

I feel so much better now. I'm so glad to feel good again.

Back to the Middle

2009-01-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

I have had a really hard time the last few weeks. Nothing is particular happened, but I just couldn't get it together. I had so much to be grateful for, but couldn't find a reason to smile. I didn't want to work or go to school or anything. Just a lump of sad. Ugh.

I haven't been writing much because of my blah-ness, but I'm finally back! I feel like I've finally gotten out of my funk and I couldn't be happier. I really feel so much better. If you are one of the people who have supported me through this, thanks so much!

"Parker Pyne Investigates" by Agatha Christie

2009-01-21T15:32:00.003-05:00

Parker Pyne Investigates is another collection of short stories by Agatha Christie. In every tale, the protagonist responds to an ad that reads "Are you happy? If not, consult me." Parker Pyne is a retired government officer who spent most of his life dealing with statistics. He uses this knowledge to help "unhappy" people, whose woes belong in one of five categories (though we never learn what they are). And so the adventures begin! Among them are unhappy spouses, too-rich bored women, stolen jewels, etc.

For the most part, there is not much "mystery"--Parker Pyne provides clients with the adventure or comfort that their lives lack. Sometimes a crime takes place and even when it does, it takes a backseat to the finding of happiness for the client. The first half of the book is fairly common--unhappy marriages, a soldier who has returned to boring, regular life at home. The second half is much more entertaining. I feel that, though I find the most pleasure reading Christie's works that take place in quiet, provincial St. Mary Mead, the author really does a remarkable job describing far-away, exotic places. I really encourage the reading of "Death on the Nile", which is said to be the original short story from which the novel (one of my favorites!) is fashioned. I also recommend "The Case of the Discontented Soldier" because I enjoyed the way Pyne worked both ends of the case.

All in all, this is not one of Christie's best works, but it is my favorite collection of her short stories to date.

3.5 out of 5 stars

"The Listerdale Mystery and Other Stories" by Agatha Christie

2009-01-21T14:28:00.001-05:00

After finally finishing the Twilight series, I decided to spend some time with my very favorite author, Agatha Christie. (For those of you who don't know, I am in the process of buying the entire Agatha Christie collection. It's slow-going (I buy one book a month), but I own probably a third of the collection.)

I am not a fan of collections of short stories by any means, but I have been pleasantly surprised by a few of Christie's. Unfortunately this book was not one that I liked. If you want a few lighthearted stories with a smidgen of suspense, this book is for you. This book is not for the fan of typical Christie, although her style is still evident. There was no sense of danger in any of the stories. Also, I'm used to her novels mostly having a romance that blossoms or rekindles, but almost every story ended with a "I've just met you but know I want to marry you" end. Blech. I did really enjoy the story titled "The Rajah's Emerald".

Overall, if I were to suggest something for the first-time Agatha Christie reader to read, this would not be it. Still, it was a quick read that I enjoyed much more than anything else I've read in the last five weeks. I give this a 2.5 out of 5 stars.

A New Day

2009-01-20T13:00:00.001-05:00

Earlier today, Barack Hussein Obama took the oath of office and became the 44th president of the United States of America. This is such an exciting time. I am so thrilled and excited to see what direction this county will now take. I have so much hope because I see so much promise.

Here we go, Steelers, here we go!

2009-01-18T23:07:00.001-05:00

This year, I have really started to like football. Most Sundays, after Kalem left to go watch football with Raji, I would find myself turning on games myself. Because I am Kalem's wife (and don't understand/like football enough myself to have a favorite team yet), I have mostly followed the Cowboys and their progress. Of course, because I live in Pittsburgh and most of the news broadcasts are devoted to the Steelers, I can't help but know a little bit about them, too! Anyway, because the Cowboys sadly didn't make it to the playoffs, I've been really rooting for the Steelers to make it to the Super Bowl.

The Steelers just beat the Ravens tonight and are going to the Super Bowl. Woohoo! Here we go, Steelers! :)

Holy Nerd Excitement!

2009-01-15T10:37:00.003-05:00

Many thanks go to The Girl Detective (by way of Steph) for this oh-so-fun news!

The 2009 Morning News Tournament of Books is coming up! I had never heard of this event before, so just in case you haven't as well, here's the way it works (sorry, Steph, for completely plagiarizing your words!):

"For those of you not in the know, this is an annual tournament held by TMN in which some of the year’s “best” books compete in a March Madness NCAA type fashion. Two books face off each week, with the winner of that bout proceeding to the next round. How do these battles go down? Each week has a designated reader (generally an author or writer) who reads both books (in theory), and then declares a winner based on his or her own personal set of criteria. Other than a penultimate Zombie round (in which previously voted fan favorites get a chance to rise again and do battle once more), in order to make it to the final round, a given book must beat each of its adversaries in each round in order to win the prize. And what is the prize? Well, the author of the winning novel is sent a live rooster, so there’s that. But for you the reader, the whole tournament is a prize, because not only are the weekly commentaries both amusing and informative, but you get a fancy new reading list!"

Here is a list of the books to contend:

The White Tiger, Aravind Adiga

2666, Roberto Bolano

A Partisan’s Daughter, Louis de Bernieres

The Northern Clemency, Philip Hensher

The Lazarus Project, Aleksandar Hemon

My Revolutions, Hari Kunzru

Unaccustomed Earth, Jhumpa Lahiri

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, E. Lockhart

Shadow Country, Peter Matthiessen

The Dart League King, Keith Morris

A Mercy, Toni Morrison

Steer Towards Rock, Fae Myenne Ng

Netherland, Joseph O’Neill

City of Refuge, Tom Piazza

Home, Marilynne Robinson

Harry, Revised, Mark Sarvas

Okay, I'm still not sure when things will get started and whatnot, but I'm excited! I have not read any of these books (although I did just get an email about Unaccustomed Earth being ready for me at the library this morning), so I'll have lots of new novels to read. So much new reading!

Frozen

2009-01-15T09:32:00.003-05:00

It's flipping cold. I woke up today and it was 4 degrees outside. The low tonight is -2. With a windchill of -25! Yipes. I am absolutely frozen. If we hadn't just bought a house, didn't have great jobs, weren't in school, and Kalem didn't love Pittsburgh, I'd want to move right now. As you can see, though, there's just too much goodness here for us right now to move. :). I had to wait for almost two hours for a bus yesterday, so I am pretty sure I'm going to be pushing for a second car soon (or more access to the car we share now). It was a lot easier when I worked closer to home, but now I have to make more of an effort to get home.

Things are going well, though. I had a really crappy last few (5) days, but I'm better now. I've been feeling really tired and moody. I've snapped out of it. We are looking forward to the weekend and relaxing. And trying to stay warm.