Courageous: A Reflection on 2011

2011 has been a hell of a year. For the last two months I’ve looked forward to nothing more than 2012. I have felt hopeless, lost, scared, and alone. But I have felt wrapped up in love, strong, and grateful, too. When reflecting on this year, I’m not sure if it’s been a “good” or “bad” year. It’s just been another year of my beautifully remarkable life.

I don’t always make resolutions for the following year. Sometimes I do and sometimes I set intentions and sometimes I do nothing at all. I’m still not sure what I will do this year. Maybe I will by the time I stop writing this. In reflecting on my year, I think that the word that keeps popping up for me is “courage”. I don’t typically view myself as a courageous woman, but I feel immensely proud of what I have pushed through my fear to achieve this year.

This year, I have had the courage to admit the fact that I’ve struggled with depression. Depression was always something that happened to other people, something that I work to help others overcome but never experience myself. Boy, was I wrong! It’s been about three years since I stopped eating compulsively, but only this year did I start letting myself feel things. This is tougher than I ever can explain. It’s still hard sometimes to not reach for cookies when things feel hard. For the first four months of the year, I completely isolated. I shut everyone out, including Kalem and my mama and Craig, the three people who can always reach me in some way. It hurt to function because it felt like I was feeling everything 1000x more intensely than I ever did before. It was really difficult to admit that I am depressed and that depression runs in my family. I can remember one day not understanding why I couldn’t get out of bed and knew then that I had to seek help before things got any worse. I have a great therapist and am fully committed to taking care of my mental health at all costs. I took the courageous step of no longer being angry at myself for not being continuously, unfalteringly grateful at all times so that I could make sure I was doing what is necessary to blossom.

In the same vein, I took the step to seek medical help for my various health symptoms. Hilariously, I think I would have paid more attention to the fact that I cannot lose weight even though I eat well and exercise if I hadn’t been so stuck in my “I-have-to-love-myself-no-matter-my-size” journey of the last three years! I have been tired for a really, really long time. I realized I had to reach out when I couldn’t do the same amount of exercise I used to do, even though nothing else about my body has changed. I’m at the beginning of learning exactly what is going on with my autoimmunity issues and am scared to know what may be, but I know that I can handle whatever it is. I will need a lot of courage in the next few months while I wait and hope.

I feel courageous in that I left a job that was eating my soul in April, even though it paid more and was more convenient than where I am now. I’m very financially responsible, so it was a huge step for me to say that my sense of self mattered more. I will always keep in mind that though I’m a social worker and live to help others, I have to be willing to help myself, too.

In writing this, I’m realizing just how much good came from my no longer eating emotionally. What a relief! This year, I reached out and cultivated intimate, genuine, lifelong friendships. I have a few friends from childhood who will always be a part of my life but that’s only because they have seen me through the self-deception, the inability to give of myself fully because of my fear and self-doubt. My sweet Craig will always be my best friend, but I am keenly aware of the fact that I am a much better friend to him now than I was in the years past. This year I am thrilled to have the most incredible friends. I often feel I am undeserving of such rich relationships, but maybe I am. Maybe I just finally let myself have them. It takes my breath away at times to realize that I am surrounded by constant support, laughter, and loving energy. I think that for this same reason I have a close, real friendship with Dionne. I had to let go of all of my jealousy and pettiness before I was able to let her in or even be there for her. Having a relationship with her may be the best thing I’ve done all year. The relationships in my life sustain me more than I could ever say. I also am so blessed to have such a kind, giving, loving partner in Kalem. I rarely deserve the love he gives me. He doesn't always deserve mine, either, but both of us knowing this helps us stay grounded in our marriage.

I have had the courage to be honest with myself about what I need as a woman, as a wife, and as a professional. I’ve not always been able to speak my mind so freely. It feels much freer to not hold things in. On the last day of the year, I’m not completely sure what I want to do in terms of my work or in having a family. But I’m closer to knowing, at least. Kalem has been a remarkably patient and loving partner. I would not have survived this year with my spirit intact without him.

Surprisingly, I’ve also found the courage to find a real sense of peace with my father. It was really hard to come face-to-face with him but it helped me work out some long-seated feelings that I thought I was through with but obviously still needed to confront. I have no idea what the future holds, but I can be confident in the fact that I am my own person.

As for what I hope to see in 2012, I believe I will set intentions this year. I intend to:

·         practice yoga and walk more days than I do not

·         eat mindfully and kindly by being a vegan and continuing to not eat compulsively

·         travel as much as possible

·         give thanks on a daily basis

·         create more

·         gain more financial stability

·         take care of all aspects of my health

·         be honest with myself and others

·         cherish my loved ones and always let them know how much I do

·         continue to help others

In looking back on this year, I don’t know if I can really say it was such a terrible year. I am sure that people who are no longer with us would happily trade places with me. It’s just a year of great growing pains. I think I’ve weathered them successfully. If I had been asked what the year would bring, I certainly would not have guessed that I would have cried more, laughed with more joy, given with fewer expectations, and loved with more ferocity than I ever have in any other year. I cannot wait to see what 2012 will bring. I am committed to having an open heart, a clear mind, a discerning spirit, and a healthy sense of humor for whatever it may bring.