Food and Body Lessons

Whew. Oh boy! The last few weeks have been incredibly tough for me. I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel (called April), but I am really struggling.


I have not been feeling my best lately. I started having some pain in my chest a few weeks ago. It was just a chest cold so I decided to let it run its course. I’m still completely wiped out from it. I had had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for a general checkup and was planning to discuss my thyroid. I’m positive that a lot of my health issues are caused by my thyroid—the inability to lose weight, the frozen fingers/toes, fatigue, dry skin, thin hair, low body temp (I never go about 97.5), hoarse voice, etc…all fun things! :) The worst thing has been the depression, though. I’ve struggled with depression in the past (I’m just learning that’s nothing to be ashamed of), but this is definitely different. For the last year, I just cannot shake the funk and it feels purely physical, like my body has been attacking my spirit. It does not feel good. Also, my naturopath and lady doctor had asked that this be checked out because it was clear was thyroid is big and I exhibit almost all of the symptoms.

Anyway, last week I went to the doctor armed with research on low thyroid functioning, a food and exercise diary, and an open mind. The appointment started off terribly. I was met by the medical assistant who showed surprise that my blood pressure and pulse are, in her words, “perfect”. This was disturbing but not that surprising—sadly, there’s a misconception that all fat people (yes, I’m fat. I can say it) are unhealthy. This is SO not true—before I started having these symptoms, I was in perfect health. My levels on everything else still are fantastic. So, mild annoyance but whatever. I was then left to wait for 50 minutes before the doctor actually came in. She barely looked at me and proceeded to make me feel terrible. This was my first time seeing her (my regular PCP was out (though she’s not much better…more on that later) and she’s a partner in the practice), so she asked a lot of questions about my family health history. I told her I wanted to talk about my thyroid. I showed her my food and exercise logs, showing that I rarely eat over 1400 calories (lack of appetite’s been a big thing) and that I’m a regular exerciser. She told me I might not be feeling well because I’m depressed as there is a family history of it. I told her I knew that, but this was different and I can tell the difference. My body hurts and that never comes along with it. She then told me I could be working out more. I told her I could see that, but that didn’t explain the fact that my fingers were purple in her office on a 70 degree day. I told her I gained weight after going vegan when I’m eating many more whole foods than ever before. She stated I should watch what I eat. Excuse me?! What person do you know eats and exercises the way I do and looks like this?! She stated she wasn’t going to test my thyroid because they had the year before and it was fine and everything else (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc) was, yet again, “perfect”. I told her that I feel worse this year and I know it’s bigger because it’s affecting my swallowing. So she FINALLY agreed to have it done. She said I should have a thyroid ultrasound, too, to check for nodules. I was fighting tears by now and couldn’t even look at her. She left and my blood was drawn and I was told I could go. I got to the front office and was told that the doctor decided to not get an ultrasound yet after all. I barely made it to my car and sobbed for about ten minutes. It is incredibly hard for me to even admit I don’t feel well (I blame that on my mother :)), so for me to go to a doctor for this was huge. And then I was treated like a lazy so-and-so who didn’t know what my body was telling me.

The worst part of this whole ordeal was my reaction to it. I binged. For the first time in three years. My binges wouldn’t meet a clinical criterion for anything, but for me, it was wretched. I ate EVERYTHING. And cried and moped. I was so angry at myself—I’ve done incredibly hard work to stop eating my feelings and I let some quack take that away from me. At one point I realized what was happening and decided to consciously overeat if that’s what I needed. I took the next day off of work because I felt incredibly sick both emotionally and physically. Fortunately, one of my closest friends got me off of the couch and out of the house for the night. I’m glad I wasn’t left alone because it was the last thing I needed. What this “binge” taught me was that I still have work to do on learning to deal with stress. What I also learned was that I am able to stop it at any time I want to. Intuitive eating for me is taking control of my eating with compassion. I can give myself permission to let go when I need to, but there are healthier ways to hurt. I have loving friends and family who I can always reach out to.

I’m back on track with my eating now. I haven’t been practicing the best self-care lately, but I’m trying. I have a list of a few things that must be done for me to feel whole and keeping up with that really helps. I feel that for now I just have to do these things and I’ll pick up soon. If not, the sun will come out again in April and that always helps.

I got a call from the nurse at the family practice telling me that I have to have a thyroid ultrasound. Apparently my levels are normal but it’s still enlarged so some further investigation needs to happen. I asked if the full thyroid panel was done and was told no. I asked for it and was told no. I’m getting the ultrasound on Monday and will go from there. I’m making a move to a new, well-recommended PCP but can’t be seen until the end of next month so I’ll still “work” with this awful practice until I can switch over.

I’m not glad to know that something is wrong with me! As funny as that sounds, it’s good to know that something is going on (so I know I’m not crazy), but I just want to feel well. With the cold, dark days of winter coming, I want answers as quickly as possible. I’m hoping some easy solution will be available. I expect to have to take medication, but the hippie in me is balking against this and asking for alternative solutions. I’ve got some reading to do in the next few weeks while I wait to hear from doctors, etc. If I can find a way to feel better without medication, I’m all for it.

Anyhoo, the whole foods experiment is back on track on Sunday! The last few weeks were filled with the question “does it take longer than five minutes to make?”, so I haven’t been cooking many masterpieces. I did have some awesome experiments that I could have written about, though—a chickpea/carrot/cabbage soup was a hit and we made homemade ravioli! Writing helps, so I’ll be doing a lot more of it soon.

I revel in this body of mine. For years it has supported me and dealt with the abuse I gave it. Now it’s time to take care of it. I am not angry or frustrated or sad that this has happened, but using it as a time to learn more about what I really need to feel healthy and whole.