On Emotional Healing

I forgave my father after over a decade of resentment. I fired my therapist and have a new one who feels like a much better fit. I am meditating, sleeping, talking things out. Kalem and I are working on improving our already-very-good marriage. I’m growing!

This year has taken me for a loop, emotionally. All things considered, I have had a very good year—things have been moving along in my career, we’re finally working on the house, and we’re more financially stable than we’ve ever been. Kalem and I are great friends. Nevertheless, I’ve been very down. I know that this has come from not being able to use my old, reliable, unhealthy coping skills. That sucks. And hurts. A lot. Without my old behaviors, it seems like I feel everything at 100,000% ALL OF THE TIME. Ouch. I’m more sensitive than normal, that’s for sure, which leads me to withdraw. I went through about four months this year when I didn’t speak to anyone but my hubby-hoo and my mom unless I had to. Not even Craig could break through. I didn’t spend time with friends and when I did, I ran back to isolation as soon as I could. I was hurting and didn’t know what to do about it! Through a lot of reflection and good, warm guidance and support from friends, I know that I’m just going through growing pains. This pain is good. I’ve realized that no feeling is final and that no feeling is healed by food. What an epiphany for me!

I’ve been doing much better, fortunately. Slowly, I’m starting to feel things and not want to run to the comfort of my solitude or to the glow of my refrigerator. It feels great. Scary and new, but great.

I always thought that I practiced good self-care, but the last three years have shown me that I needed to learn an entirely new way of experiencing myself and the world. I have so much to be grateful for and it’s okay to not always remember that. I don’t have to feel guilty for feeling crappy or selfish every once in a while. I don’t always have to be the cheerful one. I just have to remember to come back to the beauty that surrounds me. Finding bliss in the here and now is a struggle (I’m so stuck in the future), but I am learning. Always, I’m learning.

I’m so grateful for the love and support that carries me on a daily basis. Without it, I’d still be stuck on the third floor, hiding even from myself. I’m glad for giving myself that time, but now I can show myself the love I need by saying “that’s enough! The food’s gone. What can I do now to grow?”. I can’t wait to see how I learn to experience myself now.