On Physical Healing

For the last three years, my health has not been what I’m used to. I used to have remarkable immunity, getting just a cold once a year. In May 2008, I got a viral infection the week before our anniversary, leaving us stuck at home rather than celebrating. I still haven’t gotten over it completely yet. 2008 from that point forward was miserable—I caught cold after sinus infection after viral infection. I was on antibiotics for the rest of the year. Almost eight months of antibiotics! No wonder my body was exhausted. 2009 and 2010 were much better years, though I still catch things much too easily. I had the flu this year and slept 13 hours a day for an entire week. And was still exhausted afterward. Nevertheless, I do think I’m healthier than I was three years ago—I exercise regularly and try to eat well. Actually, in the last three years my eating has changed dramatically. On August 1, 2008, I started the difficult work of no longer eating my feelings. I’ve had slip-ups, but for the most part, I’ve been able to learn to not stuff my feelings. This year I’m learning lessons about how my body shields me from the world on a daily basis; it’s intense, but so necessary. I’m learning that it’s time to not treat my body as a weapon or crutch. Tough stuff.

Even though I feel like a new person since I stopped eating my feelings, my body still hurts. My mood has been crap this year. My face literally hurts from the acne, when I had great skin as a teenager. My hair is thinning. Restful sleep does not always happen. When I do sleep, I’m still tired. I ache from a workout for days following. My tummy hurts a lot. I find myself zoning out more than I used to. My fingers go numb any time there’s a hint of chill in the air (this winter in Pittsburgh, I found myself wailing after a fifteen-minute walk because the thawing felt like my fingers were falling off!). Oy. Now, I know that a lot of these symptoms correlate with depression, too. I really felt like this was more. I’ve had bouts of intense sadness, but this felt like just too much. Plus, though my mood’s been crappy, it felt more physical than spirit-based. My body is just…tired!

Part of intuitive eating dictates that I stop obsessing about my weight. This was definitely welcomed—I hate the instant self-hate I feel every time I step on a scale. I could no longer handle the frantic weigh-ins, the furtive sneaking of food, the overwhelming guilt, the painful hard-core diets. I’d had it. Still, with the changes I’d made, I expected to lose some weight. I mean, I trained for a 5k and nothing changed. I’m training for a 10k now and am pretty much in the same place. In a way, I’m glad, because this is the longest I’ve stayed at any weight. I’m glad to know that I can be strong and active just where I am. I don’t hope to lose weight (history has shown that even the hope sends me spiraling), but I just want to feel better. As well as I can. I don’t want to end up as sick as my father. I want to take control of my health right now.

I’ve been trying to take care of my health without medication or pills and trying to heal myself more from the inside out. I decided to try going to a naturopath and get some help in finding more balance for my body. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on RA and more alternative treatments and heard about naturopathy. It was a really interesting experience. She tested all kinds of stuff and told me my body’s sensitive to chocolate, nightshade veggies (tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, peppers), eggs, dairy, honey, sugar, mushrooms, and soy. So, basically, everything I like. Also, I have a hormonal imbalance and my thyroid, gallbladder, adrenal glands, and liver are not working their best. I was given supplements and asked to avoid these foods as much as possible.

I’ve slowly been trying to get these foods out of my system. As a food is used up in the home, I just don’t replace it. So far, the eggs, honey, and all of the dairy but cheese are gone. Kalem is still eating a “normal” way, so I just have to not go off the deep end on his yummy snacks! I’m not as resentful as I expected! I think it’s because I agree with everything she has to say. What my body is doing makes complete sense given what organs are struggling. I’m not “sick”, but there is room for improvement. I’m willing to make these changes if it helps me feel better. Once things are back to normal, I might be able to reintroduce things, too.

My stomach hurts less often now. I am definitely more aware of how my body feels when I do have that piece of chocolate or something else on the list every once in a while, too. My sleep’s less wonky. I’ve even lost five pounds. My skin’s still a mess. So, there’s good progress, though I know there’s a lot more to do.

What’s cool about this whole process is how much more time and consideration I’m putting into what enters my body. I am cooking almost every day. Since there are so many constraints to what I can eat now, it makes more sense to cook and bake more. I’ve always loved cooking and am really enjoying trying new recipes. I haven’t found a dessert yet, but there’s hope! Also, it feels like lately Kalem and I have been more interested in following a vegan lifestyle. These changes are making it an inevitable reality since I haven’t eaten meat in over a year now. It’s not the most fun, but it seems more feasible than I thought it would.

When I started eating mindfully, I never expected that I’d have to do more with my body than listen to its hunger signals. I think that this new step of listening to my body will help me heal even more deeply—emotionally, physically, spiritually—than I’d ever hoped for.