Balancing My Scale

Today’s topic is the gift of release.

I am learning to release the perception of myself that I am not worthy of change and growth. I have let my spirit get terribly polluted by all of the negative things that have happened in my life. I have let my spirit dim.

My greatest barrier is fear: what if I can’t do this? What if I fail at yet another thing? I am willing to give up this fear fpr the next nineteen days to reach my heart's desire. I am working to give up this fear. I typed up the things that I need to let go of to reach my desire (fear, doubt, resentment, anger, loneliness, sadness, low self-esteem, anxiety, jealousy, helplessness, shame, and self-loathing) and shredded it. I’m not religious, so I used the phrase: “I let go of all of that has taken up space in my mind, body, and spirit. I release the pain I’ve been unable to let go of. Today, what has formerly been toxic will become fuel for my future.”

My intention is to loosen my grip and release this fear. I am released from the toxicity of my past. I released the action of weighing myself as a way of working toward my outer goal of eating more intuitively. I know that weighing myself is not a helpful practice for me and leads me to eating in a way that is harmful both physically and emotionally. Today, I stated that I feel confident during every check-in I had to do at work as an effort to grow closer to an overall feeling of confidence (my inner goal for this cleanse).

When I first started working through today's topic, I wasn't feeling all that touched or inspired by it. I understand that I need to release a number of toxic things (attitudes, behaviors, relationships) from my life. Did that happen today? No. I have more awareness of it, but it won't happen just because today's topic is releasing.

On my way home, though, it started making more sense to me. Kalem and I hadn't spoken all day, something very rare for us. On my part, work was insane and I didn't have a chance to catch my breath for most of it let alone make a phone call. We never even tried to call each other--normally, he calls me once he's awake and we get online to talk as the day progresses. I called on the way home with no response. I pulled into the driveway and the mail was still in its box. The dogs made no noise as I walked into the entry. I called for Kalem and didn't hear anything. I instantly went into panic mode and started thinking the worst and that something had happened to him. It astounds me how quickly I got so frightened.

As it turns out, everything was fine. He had been busy all day, too, and when I got home, he was on the third floor and couldn't hear me. I burst into tears as soon as I heard his voice. I can't believe how scared I'd been!

One thing I'd been told when we first got married was to look at every argument and ask whether it was going to matter five years from now. So often I've overlooked this advice and stayed mad for just a little while longer. I felt the need to be near him so strongly this evening--to smell him, to feel his hand in mine. Life is so short and precious and it's important we tell the ones we love how we feel as often as we can. I know I have to release anger more quickly and learn to come to a compromise.

Kalem's at internship now. I had planned to go to a yoga class at Yoga Matrika after he returned home, but I felt the need to be home when he gets back--I feel a bit wobbly still. So, I turned to Elsie once more for a meaningful practice at home. I searched for a topic that had to deal with releasing and also cradled my vulnerability and honored my body. I haven't exercised daily in a long time and my body is so tired--my knees hurt from so many poses on the floor. I chose a gentle practice that lasted for an hour and consisted of mostly sitting poses titled "Expand and Contract". I listened to the opening before starting it and knew it would be a perfect fit.

As always, it was. She spoke about the need for us to find a place of surrender and effort all at once. I think that this fits so well with my searching for release today--I made an effort to symbolize removing toxic beliefs from my life and surrendered to where my life would take me without these spirit pollutants. I have to work on eating more intuitively while stepping back and letting the process take me where it will. It's a real balancing act.

Tomorrow, I'll feel less worried. Kalem is spending some time with a friend tomorrow night and I'm so excited for him! I am looking forward to having some time alone in the home to watch a Poirot film. :). I will be more prepared to release my anxiety because he needs to be near friends as much as I do.

I feel that letting go of the toxicity of the past will make way for a clearer, brighter future. I cannot move forward until I am ready to give up on the things that made me eat compulsively. I feel today was a great move toward balancing out my scale: removing the negative to make way for the positive.